Do you think this is acceptable behaviour from family???????

DVardysShadow

Missus_Aka wrote: »

bitter&twisted thanks for replying, the reason i went on quite a bit (which i did apologise at the end for) is that im very upset and wanted to get it all out. i do not go on and on in real life and maybe that is the problem that i dont stand up for myself enough so when it does come out i sort of ramble, so i do apologise....but please understand i am very upset, tired and sick with this pregnancy so maybe a little emotional
The incident with the knife happened approx 6 weeks ago and he has only been back once for a few hours with the condition that they were to be supervised and the sleeping incident he was not smothered but smacked, i do see your concerns here please believe they are mine also.
But i dont know what step to take next........ they are my family and i dont want to burn bridges with this issue but i have believed for a while their daughter needs help but they dont, and i dont want this to have a detrimental effect on my son

I think part of the reason you have gone on more than a bit is that you really have some substantial issues with your mum and step dad - and probably rightly so.

You don't owe them anything although they seem to act as though you do. For the moment, you should not leave your son with your half sister unless you are supervising and present. Your half sister's issues need some explaining. I suspect that she resents your son for putting her down the pecking order with you. Obviously to me you have been a full sister to her - and I think is she is starved of affection at home as you were, it can work out the way it is doing at the moment.

But your half sister is not your problem. You need to put you son and the child to come first. I sort of suspect you will be irritated by me referring to her as your half sister. But you must not feel guilty - whatever you do for her must never be at the expense of your children. As she grows older, I would advise you to keep your distance. I think she might be poison for you and your family in a way which she might never be for other people. It is not your fault - but I don't think you are the one to help her and the more you try the more you will compound her problems and behaviours.

mum2one

Missus_Aka wrote: »

mum2one there is really nobody to act as an inbetween as my mum has said a lot of things to our family over the last 13 years that they have been married that have burned bridges with them, though i do believe this is my stepdads doing as anyone that gets close to my mum gets pushed out for something or other (them not sending you a xmas card really means xxxxx or xxxx really means zzzzz thats why they said it like that) i have learned that nothing i say changes this it has happened for years, thanks for your advice about phoning childline i was wondering if i could speak to someone about these concerns but i didnt know who

sorry your having to go through all this, maybe your sister has been spolit rotten and hates anyone else sharing her limelight.

i know at times when my DD has a sleepover, she finds it difficult, not from a ive been spolit rotten, but from a point that shes an only child, so having someone else 24/7, is hard for her to adjust to, and she usually goes in a mood that i'm treating her friend better than her, but I treat them equally, but do try to do something with the kids, whether its arts and crafts.
I would try childline 1st, they may be able to make a suggestion who to soeak to or the NSPCC, may sound extreme, but you need to get to the bottom of this.
I think your doing exactly the right thing, your tryng to get this sorted before anything happens, x

Missus_Aka

candy53 no she will not be around either child unless supervised by me once in a while so i can monitor her actions myself (she will never do something directly in front of me (apart from the attitude) so any incidents are normally at my mum house) , i dont want her to feel unloved as i know the most part of this is to blame on my parents for the way they have raised her but i wonder if she can change given some guidelines for her behaviour

coolcait yes i suppose it is i just wanted some sort of general direction is which to go in to resolve this, as i know there are a lot of mums on here that maybe have a better idea of who to contact to resolve these sorts of issues

Missus_Aka

Dvardysshadow thankyou for your kind words, i do have many issues with my mum and stepdad and im not sure why this incident has them bubbling to the surface and i have worked for the last 7 years to keep them buried and under wraps as i knew the past would never change and i will never have the relationship with my mother or my stepdad that i had wanted as a child/teenager but i have my own family and that was what kept me strong from revisiting all those emotions.
No i am not at all irritated by you refering to her as my half sister but it only dawns on me now and again that she is my half sister as i have spent most of her life with her, i also have a sister (22) from my real dad and i refer to her as my half sister as i didnt grow up with her but we are close now but im just used to it for some reason.
i think she has too much 'stuff' but not enough affection they take her museums and cinema but no real love like cuddles and kisses and i love you, with me i dont think she saw me as a threat as i didnt get any affection or 'stuff' but with my son he is very loving with hugs and kisses and we tell each other how much we love each other and miss each other same with oh, so i think this is what she is jealous of

Missus_Aka

mum2one will hopefully be able to call tomorrow (phone not working) when i get home from work i think my oh's brother will be here so i can use his contract mobile and maybe get a clearer picture on what they think of the situation as they have the most experience, thankyou
i have tried going through the give her attention one on one, girls movie time, making cakes, drawing, making her hello kitty personalised dividers for her pink filofax, helping cooking and it didnt seem to help her behaviour but i will continue to try when i do see her, it just worries me that also now i am spending less time with her her behaviour will become worse

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

That smelling incident sounds potentially sexual in nature. Children in abuse situations can act extremely inappropriately with other children.


I'd be concerned about what has been happening to her at night for the last five years, myself. And acting on it to raise those concerns with professionals.

Missus_Aka

jojo the tightfisted that has been running through my head as well, i tried to bring this up gently with my mother about her behaviour coupled with this incident and the perhaps low chance but still possibility that something may have occurred that may have led to her behaviour what did she think, incident never occurred son has wild imagination reading too much into it etc.

Missus_Aka

anyway im off to bed for the night thankyou for all your thoughts and replies i have been up a lot longer than normal brooding on this situation, normally im sleeping by ten!!!! plus have work at 7am so goodnight all.xx

[Deleted User]

I am so sorry for the difficult situation you are in.

I am afraid I personally have no doubt that the recent event was sexual in nature. And on top of the wounding.., its something that needs to be seen as a red flag event as obviously you do.

Obviously u are unsure how to act, the lack of confidence you feel in whether u have the right to express your doubts with your mum and stepdad but please stay strong. I would guess that your sister has so little consequences in her life, she just can't see that bad behaviour has bad outcomes.

But if you report this to the authorities, your son could be traumatised too. I don't know how a person can weigh this up in terms of what is the best thing to do.., only you can.

However, as a minimum I'd talk firmly to your parents and without any doubt in your voice or manner tell them that this event did happen (how could your son at his age describe it so clearly).., and it must never be given chance to happen again. As a consequence, although u love your sister she will not be allowed to be alone with your son, and unsupervised at your parents house.

You have to do this, the consequences for this behaviour (and I'm afraid if she's not receiving consequences it WILL get worse) for your son are too huge. Don't let your parents make you feel guilty. Your doubts are right and not insignificant and you have to protect your son. We all use behaviours for a reason, they get us something we want. Your parents are able to feel comfortable if they refuse to believe their daughter can do any wrong and they don't have to face up to the fact that they are not doing the right thing. Your sister feels she is in control and gets a buzz out of that. You feel you can someday somehow get appreciation (or love) from your parents if you go so far with your concerns when talking with your parents but can back down when they deny the situation so it doesn't go to far. This is very understandable. I am not judging you, I promise (been there, done that).

BUT it seems to me, this precarious relationship with your parents and sister has a very high price for your son. If the worst happened and they refused to have anything to do with you.., is that much worse than what they are already doing to your family? And well, your son then has no risk of being harmed by their behaviour. I am sure this has all brought up very mixed feelings you have for your family.., seek some counselling if you can to help u with that. But stand firm.., please, on not taking risks with your son.

kingfisherblue

This is a very worrying situation and I can only echo the comments of others about supervision.

I would also contact the NSPCC for advice, particularly regarding the sexual incident. If you ring Childline, they are likely to refer you to the NSPCC, as Childline is specifically for children to call. In addition, the NSPCC has a section specifically for abuse situations and can give advice to you as an adult - Childline counsellors are trained to give advice to children. As an adult, any advice you need is going to be slightly different than if you were a child.

The helpline number for the NSPCC is 0808 800 5000. This link gives other ways of contacting them:

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/the-nspcc-helpline/using-the-nspcc-helpline-hub_wdh72253.html

It isn't going to be an easy call to make, but I do believe that it is necessary. Your sister's behaviour is dangerous and you cannot put your own children in danger. Your first responsibility is as a mother, but you also have a responsibility as a sister and as a decent adult - which is why this is too big an issue for you to deal with alone, and why you should contact the NSPCC for further advice.

You might want to have a few notes with you, so that you can give the information in a clear order and so that you do not forget anything. You may also want to have a glass of water and some tissues handy. Try to ring at a time when your son is not around (maybe when he is at school or nursery).

If your sister's behavious is allowed to continue unchecked (and seemingly supported by your parents), it will only worsen and become more dangerous. You really don't want to hear of an incident in the future and think that you could have prevented it if only you had done something earlier. even though your sister will no longer have unsupervised access to your son, she may be able to hurt other children. Also, it is unfair on your sister for any abuse to continue (I'm assuming that some abuse has occurred, simply from the sexualized incident that you mention - this is definitely not normal behaviour). Abuse tends to accelerate, and you might be preventing further abuse from occurring if you report your concerns now.

It isn't going to be an easy time for you and your family - the fall out will be massive. You are going to need support from your husband and possibly from friends as well.

Take care x