Do you think this is acceptable behaviour from family???????

Missus_Aka

Well i dont really know where to start there is a lot of background to this issue that may help everyone understand where i am coming from whilst also being an objective opinion.

I am 24 years old living with my partner of 7 years with our son who is going to be 5 soon and a baby due jan 13th 2013. I grew up living with my mum, grandmother and 2 uncles until my mum married my stepdad when i was 11 years old, they then had a daughter who is now 9 years old. Up till the age of 4 (when i left the house) she was lovely sweet like an angel. As the years have progressed i have seen a lot of jealousy directed from her towards my son as she doesnt like him getting any attention. They used to have him once a week during the day on a saturday while i worked and i would have their daughter overnight 1-2 days a week when they wanted to go out this was the arrangement for the last 3 years.

I have been increasingly worried about the influence my sister was having on my son and things that were happening for example: she cut my son with a kitchen knife on his finger ( while he was in their care, they decided to have a lay in ) which has scarred and he has a bump on his finger she told my parents it was an accident and she was stirring the cereal with it and they believed her???? in the end i got it out of her that he made her mad so she flicked him with the kitchen knife, apparently there was blood everywhere!!!!
another example: they were put to bed at my house and my son woke up screaming went to check and there was a red handprint across his face, she said she only nudged him because he was snoring, took photo of handprint to show parents, they said she didnt do it it must have been from sleeping on the pillow but it was the other that had crease marks from sleeping but i left it and she cant seem to do anything wrong.

She lies, steals from the immediate family, screams when she doesnt get her way and has such a bad attitude....poured a glass of water of my uncles head when he was sleeping and told him that she hoped god would kill him (after my dad told my uncle he was never to say a word to her about her behaviour or tell her off) this just made her more nasty and disrespectful as she knew there were no consequences. Stealing from me having asked her for months where certain items are and being found ages later in her possession. Her lying is the worst she once while she was me told my parents that my oh had smacked her hard in the face just because i had told her off for something relating to my son, and the only reason this didnt raise hell is because we had been back only 5 mins and i had spent this time in bedroom with oh on the computer as he wanted me to see a friends music video on youtube so i knew he never went near her, she admitted to lying but again no real consequences apart from go to your room, yes real punishment go to your room and play with all your toys and your nintendo ds.

I am not saying that my son has done no wrong (but i enforce naughty step taking away toys etc) as he will hit her as well, but as he does this with no one else ( he has cousins older and younger ) i felt like he picks up on what she does to him and does it back to her though he loves her very much. For these reasons and others i was minimising contact they had with him on their own (they had him for a few hours once last month)

But to the point of the story he came to me last week and opened the bathroom door while i was on the toilet and said 'mummy girls have willies' so obv i try to explain to him without going into too much detail 'no they dont its what boys have' but he says no (little sister) showed me and she has a very very small one. So anyway from questioning him further without going into exactly what was said it was she opened her legs no pants and showed herself then told him to show her and then they played smelly willies and smelt each others you know what, i was very upset and i believe he was telling the truth and we asked several times over the space of a few days and he gave quite specific details as to where how she showed him and would say the same thing over and over again to me and to oh.

So phoned mum told her and she asked my sister while i was on the phone and she got hysterical screaming it wasnt true so mum turned around and said she says it wasnt true but i persisted and she said fine we will wait for stepdad to come back and call you later tonight, no call so i phoned the next day after work and it was well we asked her she says that he is lying, your son has a wild imagination (though they could give no example of such wild imagination) we believe her, when i brought up the amount she lies they said well we catch her in the end, but she only tells the truth when she has been caught out red handed and i gave them examples, but they believe her and do not want to talk about it really. So i said that without my supervision he will no longer be coming to see them for obvious reasons (not nastily but said if this was daughter you would feel the same), they said my perogative sp.?? but disappointed in me. I was very angry though i did not let this come out and waited till i spoke to oh and was very upset at the flippant way this was treated, and how they will always believe and choose their daughter over me (there is a lot of background when i was younger about how i was treated VERY differently to my sister and not given any love & affection by them once they married and i moved into their house and how my mother would always defer to my stepdad and choose him over me in countless situations) and this situation has brought to the surface these feelings which i thought i had buried as it is over and done with and i dont have a close relationship with them and it was never going to change ( but i must admit they do love my son and would never do any harm to him )

Since then as well as fuming over their treatment of the situation they havent called me since in 2 weeks even though they know i am having a very rough time with this pregnancy and am very sick and tired and have been in hospital once already. I sent message for fathers day to stepdad wishing him a good day and that my phone is not working for outgoing calls no response as i was upset but didnt want to burn bridges over this, so they have ignored me for 2 weeks now and this has further upset me.

Do you think i did anything wrong???? Maybe i am overreacting but It has just raised a lot of issues as to where little sister has learnt this from? has something happened to her? does she do this with others? i had to ask my son if she had ever touched him, which is the worst question a mother would have to ask........ i just feel sick i dont know what to do next.

Sorry this was so long but i needed to get my thoughts out..............

I have posted this on another site as well just to get the most replies so i can judge best what to do next

BitterAndTwisted

If you go on and on in real life the way you have typed your post I can understand why you're not getting the reception you expected from your very unwelcome news.

Even apart from the last episode, that child sounds troubled and I'd not have had her in my house after the wounding, never mind leaving her so she could smother your child in his sleep.

Do everything in your power to keep her away

amyloofoo

What an awful situaton you're in I'm not really certain what advice to give you, other than to stand your ground and never allow your son to go into a situation or with individuals where you're unsure he'll be safe. It sounds as though your neice may well have some psychological issues and hopefully she will be able to get some help and come to the understanding that she's behaved wrongly.

I can understand how you feel about your mother and stepfather not understanding / respecting your concerns and now beginning to ignore you; but they are also in an incredibly difficult situation. Whilst it would be good if they could take an objective view and see that since their daughter has previously lied and is demonstrating behaviour that indicates she's guilty of the accusation; it would be a horrible thing to believe of your child and I can fully understad their reluctance.

I hope the situation resolves itself soon, sorry to not have been more help.

Missus_Aka

bitter&twisted thanks for replying, the reason i went on quite a bit (which i did apologise at the end for) is that im very upset and wanted to get it all out. i do not go on and on in real life and maybe that is the problem that i dont stand up for myself enough so when it does come out i sort of ramble, so i do apologise....but please understand i am very upset, tired and sick with this pregnancy so maybe a little emotional
The incident with the knife happened approx 6 weeks ago and he has only been back once for a few hours with the condition that they were to be supervised and the sleeping incident he was not smothered but smacked, i do see your concerns here please believe they are mine also.
But i dont know what step to take next........ they are my family and i dont want to burn bridges with this issue but i have believed for a while their daughter needs help but they dont, and i dont want this to have a detrimental effect on my son

Missus_Aka

amyloofoo thanks for replying as well, i want my sister to get some sort of help before this becomes totally out of control but i dont have any rights when my parents decide it is not necessary, they think she is cheeky but they dont realise the full extent of it i dont think, i understand their reluctance to believe this but it was their full stop she IS telling the truth that got to me i guess, no wavering even i questioned my son a few times since he told me just to make sure and we spoke about lying but how when you tell the truth it feels like the best thing ever to let it out (im not sure he understood it all but he gets the gist of it)
i dont know whether to leave the contact situation and let it resolve itself or if this will just make it a bigger issue, and how to perhaps to approach them on my sisters behaviour

mountainofdebt

well it sounds to me that your sister is being treated like a little princess and a spoilt one as that and for what ever reason your mum and stepdad can see no wrong in her behaviour.

Personally if it were me I would maintain the relationship but I would be doing that by going to see them - so I could choose when to leave - and keeping my son in eyesight at all times.

If you don't believe that your son will be safe then don't let him go there without you

mum2one

if there another member of the fsmily wjo could act as an inbetween, as there does sound like the girl has problems, my biggest concern would be the issue of the "willie" yes i knoe kids say things etc, but to me the smelling immediately rings alarm bells.
Just looked back at the age, my DD is 9, shes not a perfect angel,she has her moments, but not to the extent of that.
You need to speak to someone about this, maybe contact childline and ask their advice, x

Candy53

Hi,

Well you're certainly not over reacting. You have every cause to be concerned about your sister's odd behaviour.

Because your mum and stepdad are taking her side and not believing you, there's really nothing you can do about that, but what you 'can' do is protect your son from her, as the things she is doing to him, things she is telling him, and lying about it, are serious - serious enough to not let her near your son anymore, and then there's your baby's arrival to consider. My goodness, she must never be allowed near your baby.

Candy

coolcait

This is beyond the remit of an internet forum (especially one about moneysaving).

You need to get professional help.

Please do so as a matter of urgency.

Missus_Aka

Mountainofdebt thanks for your advice this is what i was thinking of doing, maybe meeting at a cafe or maybe at their house, i do not want to stop their contact just for my sons sake as they love each other very much. I guess i feel annoyed by their seemingly ignoring me the last 2 weeks when i dont feel like i have done anything that deserves to be ignored for, if they had anything to say regarding this then they could phone me and we could talk through it, but being ignored seems childish on their part.
My sister and i have been raised differently, my family didnt have money when i was growing up but i was loved very much, but my sister has always had everything that she has desired, so she has been spoilt rotten and cant seem to do any wrong, which is why i worry that when it finally dawns on them what is going on it may be too late.

Missus_Aka

mum2one there is really nobody to act as an inbetween as my mum has said a lot of things to our family over the last 13 years that they have been married that have burned bridges with them, though i do believe this is my stepdads doing as anyone that gets close to my mum gets pushed out for something or other (them not sending you a xmas card really means xxxxx or xxxx really means zzzzz thats why they said it like that) i have learned that nothing i say changes this it has happened for years, thanks for your advice about phoning childline i was wondering if i could speak to someone about these concerns but i didnt know who