son in tears this morning

Chakani

McKneff wrote: »

I'm not perfect either, both my 'children' got shouted at at times. It's only with the wisdom of age that brings me to post. I was thinking of your son. That's all.

And a slight case of rose-tinted spectacles about what it's like at the time?

OP shouted at her son this morning, and feels bad about it. That suggests it's not what she does all the time. As parents, who can say they haven't done that once or twice - I certainly have, and as you say yourself, so have you. That's not the same as someone effing and blinding their kids up and down the street day in, day out.

There are plenty of good suggestions on the thread, I'd agree with searching out the good things he does, and make doubly sure he is rewarded for them, it's so easy to overlook when they are going through phases of being little whatsits.

We have a laminated ticklist where our kids can actually physically tick off the things they are supposed to do. On mornings when we have somewhere to be, I set a kitchen timer, and anyone who gets all the ticks done before it goes off gets some kind of reward, be it a trip to the park, a special game (DS likes to play on the Wii, but isn't allowed often as he is little, so that is a reward that we often use).

There is still an element of repeating myself ad infinitum, but it is definitely much better than before, and the children are learning how to be independent and do things for themselves as well.

[Deleted User]

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

But then I'm the one who took her son to school in his pyjamas one day, and with no trousers on the next. He learned, after that ... :rotfl:

Then what at school?Did the teacher support you or did you feel they thought you were being un-necessary?

I've not had to do this yet, but would be willing if needed, but ive always wondered if the school would understand

meer53

Don't want to depress anyone but my son is 25. Nowt changes. He's back home now after leaving for Uni at 18, if he speaks i nod, if not, everything is fine.

BUT, he is far better than my 11 year old daughter. I've decided to stop nagging, it winds me up more than her. Lets just say she's not a morning person It's a good job i am !

I_wanna_live_for_free

Mrs.W wrote: »

Her teacher followed up, asking why I filled in DD's late slip with the reason 'zombie attack'.

You have got the total respect of my daughter now! :rotfl:

j.e.j.

The trouble is, if the child doesn't get to school on time, or hasn't got their lunch with them, or whatever, mum feels she will be the one who gets the blame for it. So she prompts/nags (depending on your viewpoint!). She's then criticized and made to feel guilty for being the shouty, nagging woman. Can't really win, can she :rotfl:

curlysoo

McKneff wrote: »

I'm not at all trying to make you feel worse, It doesnt hurt you more, if it hurts you, stop doing it, how would you feel if your husband screamed and shouted at you becaues you hadnt cleaned the cooker and you he had asked you 10/20 times. Who do you think would feel worse, you being shouted at or him doing the shouting. I'm not perfect either, both my 'children' got shouted at at times. It's only with the wisdom of age that brings me to post. I was thinking of your son. That's all.

I'm sorry but I have to disgaree with your posts. I don't care what anyone says, EVERYONE has shouted at their children at some point and will shout at them at some point in the future. No one is perfect, including yourself.

I agree shouting can be damaging if certain language is used or physical violence. Or if the child is shouted at for no reason at all on a daily basis.

However, a stressed parent at the end of their tether, having a bad day, tired etc may just lose their cool with their child. Thats life unfortunately. Yes its upsetting for you to hear your neighbours shouting at their children, but it's none of your business unless of course you feel the children are being abused in other ways too or the screaming is becoming excessive.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't tell my children off. My youngest son has a thing about all things electrical lately and I seem to be constantly telling him off about touching things. It doesn't mean I don't love them or care about them! I dread to think what my neighbour thinks, however I can say that I am constantly trying to find ways to deal with their behaviour better. My neighbours don't see that. Sometimes I see big improvements with the way I deal with my children's behaviour sometimes everything gets on top of me and I blow a fuse. It's natural.

I was shouted at and smacked when I was a child. It didn't damage me or make me resent my parents in any way. I have always had a good relationship with my parents.

I could go on and on...........

To the OP, don't beat yourself up about it. Just speak to him calmly when everything has calmed down, give him a cuddle, tell him whats bothering you about his behaviour and start again. Tomorrow is a new day.

Netmums is a good forum not sure if you have already joined but there are lots of tips on there and other mums in your situation. You will have days where things kick off but you just need to dust yourself off and start again.

snowleopard61

OP, you have my complete sympathy. I remember a lot of mornings a bit like this when my children were young and am now hearing about my colleague experiencing the same thing.

You're not a bad parent. The difference between you and your son is that it matters much more to you than it does to him whether you both leave the house on time, breakfasted, tidy and properly prepared. I do rather admire the people who say 'Let the child face the consequences', but I don't think I could have done it because of the look of it to outsiders - teachers, other parents etc.
I do echo all the advice about doing as much as possible the night before, to take the pressure off in the morning, and also seeing if your son himself can come up with any sort of suggestion. Sticker charts did work very well for us in other contexts (I only wished I could use them on teenagers!) and I can imagine a tick-list working quite well.

Our morning stresses were a bit different (to do with things like getting tangles out of long hair and sibling squabbles, rather than a generally disorganised child) but it did get better as they got older. More than anything, don't beat yourself up; it's the time pressures that make it seem so hard. It's what your relationship is like overall that will count in the long run.

lovesabargain123

Not read the other replies so forgive for if I'm repeating ...

My youngest sounds exactly like this, but then add a dose of teenage hormones and a learning disability! :eek:

After years of falling out and tears ( mostly mine) we now have a very strict routine.

School bags etc are set the night before and I put his lunch and drink in on the morning.

I wake him up at 7am and come down and make myself a cup of tea, I then shout from downstairs to get up and ready ( probably about 10 past 7) . I then start clock watching and by the time his dad gets back from the gym (20 past ish) he checks on him to make sure he is getting dressed as promised. For every minute I wait for him to get up, he looses a minute from his bedtime that need. I've learnt that I have to keep to my word ( even if it's 5 mins ;-))
Breakfast is on the kitchen side waiting to be carried to the table and as soon as the last spoonfuls in he's sent straight back up to do teeth and face.
Back down the stairs and he use to watch a bit of tv before setting off with his sister. Now she's left school he goes with his older brother and his mates ( pretty cool to be hanging round with lads 2 years older lol) so they set off earlier.

The taking minutes off bedtime deffinately works here along with keeping him moving, if he stops to think for a second it's a whole new ball game and game over so to speak lol

X

lovesabargain123

Oh and the other rule is , if he doesn't walk with one of the others . I will give him till 20 past 8 then load him in the car as he stands..... I'm pretty sure monkey pjs aren't acceptable in High school but as yet I haven't tested this out lol

I think he knows I'll see it through as when he was in primary, he refused to put his shoes on ( thinking he wouldn't have to go) so I popped him in the buggy ( he had a major buggy) with his shoes in a bag and handed both that and him screaming to the teacher on the door)

Lol x

McKneff

Chakani wrote: »

And a slight case of rose-tinted spectacles about what it's like at the time?

OP shouted at her son this morning, and feels bad about it. That suggests it's not what she does all the time. As parents, who can say they haven't done that once or twice - I certainly have, and as you say yourself, so have you. That's not the same as someone effing and blinding their kids up and down the street day in, day out.

There are plenty of good suggestions on the thread, I'd agree with searching out the good things he does, and make doubly sure he is rewarded for them, it's so easy to overlook when they are going through phases of being little whatsits.

We have a laminated ticklist where our kids can actually physically tick off the things they are supposed to do. On mornings when we have somewhere to be, I set a kitchen timer, and anyone who gets all the ticks done before it goes off gets some kind of reward, be it a trip to the park, a special game (DS likes to play on the Wii, but isn't allowed often as he is little, so that is a reward that we often use).

There is still an element of repeating myself ad infinitum, but it is definitely much better than before, and the children are learning how to be independent and do things for themselves as well.

OP said that he has to be told 20 times or so before he gets bawled out, suggesting that it is not just this morning. It doesnt suggest that it is all the time either, just not jst this morning.

No rose tinted glasses either, I did say that I had shouted at mine occasionally. I remember just exactly how frustrating it was at times.