Am I over reacting?

jackie_w

Hi,

Just looking for a bit of advice.

My oldest DS is going on a school trip abroad next year and it's goingto cost £1500. When he asked if he could go, I advised it wasnt fair on me and his dad to foot all of the bill and so he would need to contribute too. I explained he would need to save up his pocket money and any money he got for birthdays christmas etc. He was fine with that.

Yesterday my SIL asked him to work in her shop for a little while and gave him some money for helping him out. she said he might ask him to help out every now and then and she would pay him.
His gran (My MIL) said he should just hide the money he gets for this and not tell me about it because he should be spending the money on what he wants and not just on his school trip!!! The reason she said this is because my son now feels he's hard done by having to put money towards the trip himself and says all his friends parents are paying the money so why should he have to put his own money in!!!!!

I am absolutely livid. I personally think she had no right to say this, it isn't her place. I have always taught my children never to have secrets from myself or their dad.
I'm trying to teach my sonthe value of money and you have to work to save for things that you want etc. His birthday is in a few weeks and I've told him that any money he gets should be paid to the trip. I have bought him gifts frm myself and his dad, so that way he doesn't feel as if he isn't getting anything.

Am I right to be so angry or am I over reacting?

MX5huggy

Have you set your son a target? It's not fair on him if you just say all the money you get (gifts and wages) pays for the trip. It gives him no incentive to work as you will pay the short fall.

As for Gran their job is to corrupt, I am sure she knew that you will be well aware of the money comming in from the job.

meritaten

why not suggest to your son that his 'pay' goes to his pocket money for the trip? you are paying for the trip so he is hardly 'badly done by' is he? £1500 is a LOT of money and he is lucky you are able to pay it. if he is working then its reasonable to expect him to save that towards his spending money - or is MIL supplying that?

skintchick

I'd be livid too. It's nothing to do with your MIL, and apart from that she is encouraging him to lie and to hide things from his parents, which is not something you want your children doing.

I would have to have a word, as a united front with your OH, to clear this up and make it clear that she is not allowed to encourage your children to a) go against your wishes, b) lie to you and c) hide things from you.

What has your OH said about it?

19lottie82

I'd be VERY peed off too! If I were you I would be having a word with your MIL telling her that you are not made of money, so if she thinks this is the case, then she is more than welcome to cough up the £1500 for your DS's school trip, and of course equal amounts for all of your other children, so no one feels hard done by?

Slightly off topic, but can I be nosey and ask, what school trip costs £1500?! Does he attend a private school? I cant imagine a non fee paying school charging this much for a school trip...... unless I am very out of touch?

whitewing

I think MIL should butt out.

I also think you should set a fixed amount that you expect DS to pay, or it will feel never ending for him.

I think £1500 is really expensive for a school trip.

DVardysShadow

jackie_w wrote: »

Am I right to be so angry or am I over reacting?

I think you are mismanaging his contribution to the trip. Yes he should be contributing quite heavily, but equally you need to cut him a little slack. Like 80% of the money he receives should go towards. But he should be left something - and he should be left some scope to voluntarily go beyond the target you are setting. But by demanding the lot, you are denying any scope for personal initiative. This will probably almost negate the positive lessons you intend.

Perhaps this is why his gran is interfering. She is wrong to do so - particularly to suggest what she did. She should instead be confronting you to your face - or openly giving money not to be spent on the school trip.

fedupnow

MX5huggy wrote: »

Have you set your son a target? It's not fair on him if you just say all the money you get (gifts and wages) pays for the trip. It gives him no incentive to work as you will pay the short fall.

As for Gran their job is to corrupt, I am sure she knew that you will be well aware of the money comming in from the job.

This.

A target for 'his share' and then whatever else he saves can be his spending money.

After all, if he saves all of it 'towards his trip' and gets the full £1500, I suspect you won't make him pay for it all.

jackie_w

Thank you all fr your replies. My OH is says his mother should,nt be saying these things and I think he is going to have a word with her.

I haven't given him a target to meet because the work thing won't be a regular occurrence, it will be every now and again.

When he asked about the trip and we discussed that he would, need to pay some of it himself,there was no target agreed. usually for his birthday he gets about £50 in gift money, and for Christmas it might be about £80. his pocket money to be fair he hardly gets now because he doesn't do his chores (cleaning his room and emptying the bins)!!! So we stopped his pocket money!

His gran has saved some money for him and he had broken his playstation, and she was going to give him the money she saved to get if fixed, but we asked her to keep that money for him to be put towards his sPending money and we fixed the playstation. We usually pay for all his school trips but because of the cost of this one we said he would have to contribute.

McKneff

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I think you are mismanaging his contribution to the trip. Yes he should be contributing quite heavily, but equally you need to cut him a little slack. Like 80% of the money he receives should go towards. But he should be left something - and he should be left some scope to voluntarily go beyond the target you are setting. But by demanding the lot, you are denying any scope for personal initiative. This will probably almost negate the positive lessons you intend.

Perhaps this is why his gran is interfering. She is wrong to do so - particularly to suggest what she did. She should instead be confronting you to your face - or openly giving money not to be spent on the school trip.

:T:T

Excellent advice, couldnt have put it better myself.

He is working hard, he should have some interim little treats.

Lunar_Eclipse

jackie_w wrote: »

Am I right to be so angry or am I over reacting?

Both.

I'd be angry at the Gran's comment to keep money earned as a secret, but also your son's response and feelings to her suggestion if he agrees that he's being hard done by. He should be wanting to put it towards the trip, surely?

My main area of concern would be keeping secrets and what you all feel is fair about financing this school trip. I'm assuming it's basically a non compulsory fun trip (does Gran know this?) as opposed to it being educational (in which case I think she has more of a point.) I second the suggestion of agreeing how much you will all pay for the trip.

My daughter is going on a (adventure) school trip next year that costs £900. We have similar thoughts to you in terms of it being jointly financed. We're just at the booking stage and have discussed her funding £200 plus spending money. The idea is that she finds ways to earn this money in addition to her pocket money (she's 12 so needs to be creative as options are limited in terms of proper working/babysitting etc), but she has enough time and income to take a lazy approach to redirecting pocket money to the trip if she chooses.