Hoarding...not just on TV

Gingernutty

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

It's the aspirational hoarding stuff, and it is so painful to let go of some of that stuff because you are, effectively, letting go of an aspiration. It's not easy.

Yup. True dat!

Me? My fantasy self is multi-talented and slim.

It's craft and health and fitness. Cross stitch magazines, craft videos, knitting needles (I can just knit a scarf), crochet hooks (I'll learn one day), gym memberships when I've never really gone, fancy trainers, equipment, healthy eating plans and fitness regimes.

It's hard letting go when, clearly, being healthy and 'having and outside interest' are goals to aspire to.

I've recognised that I simply don't have the time - I'm single, live alone and can't fit everything into one day.

I've got sensible shoes - I just need to walk about some more

GreyQueen

(((((((((Jettycat)))))))))))

You poor hunnie, and your sister, too. There is a whole cohort of websites written by children of hoarders (COH) about coping with the emotions of the hoarding done by their loved ones. Try going onto hoardingwoesandyou or tetanusburger which are both excellent and linking thru their blogrolls to other COH sites.

My mother is a hoarder but not of the extreme or insanitary type, but muddle and chaos of even relatively-mild levels absorb so much time, energy and even money that it's just not true. It really detracts from quality of life.

I'll tell you a small tale from my own Mum's life about how cluttery habits end up costing you.

Mum went to a craft fair and saw something she liked; a red willow basketry umbrella holder. Imagine a cylinder about 2 feet tall and 10 inches across. She bought it. This was silly on a number of grounds; her hall is too small to take an umbrella stand, the only umbrellas in the household were the folding kind and a basketry item designed to hold something which needs to drip-dry is somewhat foolish.

Needless to say, it didn't get used as an umbrella stand but it was a very attractive item and not cheap (made by local craftsman not cheap imported tat) so she kept it. It floated around several rooms getting underfoot until she decided to repurpose it as a litter bin with a plastic bag liner held around the top with a thin bit of bungy cord which detracted from the looks somewhat. It wasn't ideal as a rubbish bin either, with its narrow aperture but it was used as one and emptied by being tipped into a larger bin which was lined with a black sack and ended up in the wheelie outside.

One evening, Mum was fiddling with her large purse-wallet and left it on the arm of her armchair. It got knocked and fell into the umbrella-stand-bin. It wasn't seen and ended up in the wheelie outside. By the time she realised, it was gone to landfill with £80 cash and all her bank cards. And yes, she did try to get it back with help from the waste company but to no avail. That resulted in an insurance claim which resulted in loss of no claims discount.

And that's just one small example of how even a very clever and competant woman can be harmed by domestic chaos. And she STILL has the dadblasted thing because a) it's attractive and b) she paid good money for it. I don't dare go to craft fairs, myself.

Anyone else willing to share the bizarre ways in which clutter has had unintended and expensive/ inconvenient consequences?

katep23

Jettycat, just wanted to say hello and well done - it's very easy to ignore the issue particularly if you are an organised hoarder!

Well I did indeed manage some decluttering and for the first time I threw something in the landfill bin which could possibly have been passed on!

We had a food flask. It's sole purpose was to hold food. It leaked. What good is a leaking food flask? I didn't want to pass it to a charity shop for someone else to have the same problem so I put it in the bin. With a great deal of guilt it has to be said! The rubbish was collected this morning so it has gone.

I will wherever possible send stuff to cs, recycle, pass on to family but I now know I can landfill if I have to! Liberating indeed.

Then I decided a much better way to calm down was with fish and chips and half a bottle of red

katep23

[QUOTE=GreyQueen;55356307Anyone_else_willing_to_share_the_bizarre_ways_in_which_clutter_has_had_unintended_and_expensive/_inconvenient_consequences?[/QUOTE]

I can think of 2 both involving my mum.

She did an advanced driving course years ago and the night before her test she couldn't find her driving licence which she swore was in a drawer. As she couldn't find it she had to cancel the test and never got round to rebooking it so wasted all those lessons.

I found the licence months later tucked neatly inside a diary in the very drawer she had checked!

The other one was when we were going on holiday and mum had saved up our spending money and tucked into yet another drawer for safe keeping.

Cue the night before we go on holiday and the house being turned upside down only there was no sign of it so I guess they had to go to the bank and get money out that wasn't budgeted for (quite young at the time so not sure on the details).

That money turned up at the bottom of a box of tissues when we got to the end of it :rotfl: she had tucked it there for safekeeping!

Jettycat

GreyQueen, thank you for the website addresses. I have been looking at various COH sites but haven't come across those two. Apart from realising that I have the "hoarding gene" I think I have learnt to cope quite well with Mum's hoarding ... I've let it go! She visits us rather than the other way round and although it's a shame we can't stay at her house (especially with the children) we still visit the area and eat out with her. I just try and respect her wish to live as she does. Sister1 hasn't really come to terms with it and talks about needing to do something about it all the time and hates it when Mum stays with her and leaves bits all around her house. Sister2 seems to have something of the same problem and I would say is at a similar stage Mum was at when we were very little. Brother seems to be in a similar position to me but also manages to go inside the house without too much trouble.

Mum's a "keep everything that might come in useful" type hoarder. She has never really bought stuff. In fact I can't really remember her ever going shopping for herself unless she absolutely had to, she just makes do for as long as she can. Clearing relatives and friends houses has been bad for her as she just takes the stuff home and adds it to the piles. Last time I passed the house the curtains downstairs were all shut up and the garden quite overgrown making it look almost abandoned.

katep23, I am trying very hard not to ignore it now I have had my lightbulb moment and I am relying on all of you to keep me going.

x

alec_eiffel

Well done to everyone letting go of fantasy selves. Letting go of any dream is tough isn't it, even when the dreams are really held by other people. I think I kind of get bound up with confusing "could" and "should". I get the "oh you're arty you should be selling things" from people and yes I could sell things but I don't actually want to, so it's not something that I should do.

I'm getting better at seeing a good idea or talking to a mate about something they're doing and just seeing it as a thing for them but not something I have to do. A lot of my friends love to crochet and it looks so cute and jaunty how they have these nice things all over their houses. But it wouldn't fit with my scheme so I have to let that one go. And when I do let things go, nothing happens, everything is ok.

I ditched Pinterest (which is a virtual clutter magnet) and people "can't believe" I'm not on it. Really, you can't fathom in your brain that there's a website that I don't use?

All this to say that I think like letting the physical stuff go away letting the mental stuff go away is good too. Now I've started to do things I want to do rather than daydream about a life that I don't really want I just think I should have, it's productive. I actually make quilts rather than looking at quilts other people have made. I chuck things away rather than only reading about other people taking those steps. I know it's not a huge revelation to everyone but doing what I want to do gets me closer to living the life I want to live. Simple but was like the biggest lightbulb moment when it finally came to me!

SpikyHedgehog

This is a long story...

When we moved to current house, now over 5 years ago, I asked then-DH not to put any boxes in the loft, just leave then all down so we could sort through 1 at a time and see what was in it & where it needed to go; he assured me he'd done this.

After we'd been here a while (ok, probably about a year...)I realised I'd gone through all the boxes & couldn't find my jewellery box. Asked DH if he was sure there weren't any full boxes in the loft. Was assured there no full boxes, just his beloved empty boxes. (He kept all boxes from buying things in boxes in case we had to take things back.) I went through all the things I could find, but no jewellery box. Decided in the end it must have been thrown out by accident . There was nothing financially valuable in it, 'just' things of sentimental value.

Fast forward to 2 years ago... DH & I were going to the supermarket after my work day - this involved him getting DS2 from school & driving to the supermarket while I walked from work. I get there and he & DS2 had just got there - DS2 was getting the trolley while DH texted his ill friend from work who he was spending so much time with on his days off. We do the shopping, go back to the car & DH realises he'd left both sets of his car keys in his jacket when he locked it in the boot of the saloon car (no way of getting to without opening the boot).

He phoned his mechanic who said 'What have you done with that spare plastic key you should have got when I got you the car? If you can't find that, we'll have to order another key from BMW which will cost about £100...'

We get a taxi home with shopping - cost £5 and DH looks all through his car stuff - no key. By now, the garage is closed so he texts mechanic to ask him to order replacement key next day. Can't get to work over the weekend without the car so uses unpaid lieu days to take the weekend off - cost approx £140. Key arrives Tuesday am at the garage so he was back at work Tuesday night after getting a lift in for the night shift on Mon. Mechanic (family friend & the cousin of DH's brother in law) insists DH let him get a new battery for the key which wouldn't open the car but would drive it - cost £20. (As this was what had caused the problem with DH taking both keys out at a time, or he could have gone home, got the spare key & used that.)

Total cost over £265 not including the flowers I bought myself to thank me for going & checking the car in the supermarket car park each day after work as DH was visiting his sick friend from work so couldn't get there on his bike.

Fast forward a bit more to after 'DH' has admitted that the 'sick friend from work' was actually the woman he'd sworn blind he wasn't having an affair with :mad::( and that he was leaving us to go & live with her. As a part of our 'reclaim the house', boys and I take the empty boxes out of the loft to recycle and discover about 6 or 7 boxes of stuff up there.

Including my jewellery box and the spare plastic key for the car.

Funny thing is, Errant Husband always said I was the unorganised one, the less tidy & houseproud of the 2 of us. And of course I have brought things into the house since he went, some of them less useful than others (witness my getting rid of the iron holder last week). But I am still getting rid of stuff of his, there's a pile sitting next to me with 2 boxes of stuff out of the loft that he wouldn't take last year as 'they were sorting out the girlfriend's house to make room for his stuff' and 2 expensive speakers he insisted we got for an expensive stereo we hardly used that won't connect up to the stereos we have in the house.

SpikyHedgehog

alec_eiffel wrote: »

Well done to everyone letting go of fantasy selves. Letting go of any dream is tough isn't it, even when the dreams are really held by other people. I think I kind of get bound up with confusing "could" and "should". I get the "oh you're arty you should be selling things" from people and yes I could sell things but I don't actually want to, so it's not something that I should do.

I'm getting better at seeing a good idea or talking to a mate about something they're doing and just seeing it as a thing for them but not something I have to do. A lot of my friends love to crochet and it looks so cute and jaunty how they have these nice things all over their houses. But it wouldn't fit with my scheme so I have to let that one go. And when I do let things go, nothing happens, everything is ok.

I ditched Pinterest (which is a virtual clutter magnet) and people "can't believe" I'm not on it. Really, you can't fathom in your brain that there's a website that I don't use?

All this to say that I think like letting the physical stuff go away letting the mental stuff go away is good too. Now I've started to do things I want to do rather than daydream about a life that I don't really want I just think I should have, it's productive. I actually make quilts rather than looking at quilts other people have made. I chuck things away rather than only reading about other people taking those steps. I know it's not a huge revelation to everyone but doing what I want to do gets me closer to living the life I want to live. Simple but was like the biggest lightbulb moment when it finally came to me!

I daren't go in Pinterest, Instructables is bad enough for me & I set a timer when I'm on there & try to just go on when I'm looking for something specific.

I've finished making me a knitted wrap and and bag to go with it though the bag needs making up that will have to wait till the house is back to normal after the big de-flea; and have started finishing a jumper for DS2 that I started 2 years ago. The sleeve went wrong twice becasue I was trying to do it at work in my lunch break and the children kept wanting to help, & I needed to put it to 1 side to concentrate on other things...

wannabe_sybil

Jettycat - good to see you! So many lovely people on here.

I love that people understand, because if you haven't been there, you can't get it.

I found over £500 in postal orders when my mother passed away, hidden in various places. We found the first few while she was in the hospice. She was living on the breadline, but no idea what they were for. She looked v cagey when it was mentioned.

As for 'you should make stuff to sell'. I made my friend a scarf once - the yarn was about a quarter of the normal price and it cost @ £20 to make, people won't pay that. I had a lot of trouble explaining that to my friend who said her colleagues wanted to buy one - for around a fiver!

Spiky - I hate it when you have to smile and nod when your OH spouts forth and you know it is so much fish nibbles. How are the fleas? Fled?

I don't expect to get much done today. Little bear is tired. And when little bear is tired, he goes to fast forward. He will be ricocheting. Any lulls mean I will recover on the computer. Then OH is having a time at work so I will need to be fussing him tonight. I think I will just work on the mental decluttering - I think that is a big bit as well!

Byatt - hugs

and hugs to all

alec_eiffel

Pinterest is kind of one of those things that imo looks useful and inspirational but lots of the time it isn't. It's the same pictures from the same blogs repeated over and over. Again imo, the first people on it were those that do and everyone else asked for an invite so they can press their noses up against the glass to look instead of getting up and doing themselves.

eta wannabe sybil - I agree about the cost of things, not to mention the time. I make everything by hand and to sell something at the true cost of my time and fabrics just wouldn't stack up. and I don't see the point in making things with a sewing machine just to sell them as I don't enjoy using the machine. It would be a compromise that's just not worth it. And I'd probably end up watering down my style just to please other people and I'm not prepared to do that. I'm not a padded hearts and baby blanket type of a girl.