Hoarding...not just on TV

Florenceem

My late Mil was a hoarder and I can see it in my hubby. Mil was a wartime refugee so lost everything - I suppose that was the reason she hoarded. But Mil even kept the hair she had cut off - heard it could be sold!

PixieDust

Jojo big hugs to you, and I'm sorry about your pusscat

My Mum began to hoard a few years ago when my Dad was terminally ill with cancer, and then for a long while afterwards. It never got to ridiculous proportions but there was most definitely a "flavour" of what could come. I am the opposite.....a cosy room with a comfy chair and a Kindle would be my ideal living room. Anyway....one day while visiting I got a bit irritated with yet more "trinkets" and oddments ("junk" ) that she'd picked up and I told her that as her only daughter when she did eventually shuffle off the mortal coil it would be down tome to clear the house, and I did NOT want to have to get a skip to clear crap out of a cavernous mausoleum, thank you very much. She got beter after that....I think she was going through a very insecure patch and my (somewhat heartless) words were the jolt needed to make her think about things.

nannyboo1

Huge hugs for you JoJo no one should have to put up with what you hav had to put up with. Everyone else has given such brilliant advice I don't know that I can add anything else.

I think there are 2 separate issues with your mum one the hoarding and the other the way she treats you. The hoarding is one thing but no way on earth should your mum treat you like that.

I too watch the hoarding programmes as we have a mild history of it in our family and think the version on our TV are no where near as good as the American ones on Bio.Discovery. The main difference I noticed was that in the American ones they tackle the underlying problem more. I have noticed that most of the hoarders in these programmes something happened in their lives that triggered it e.g. lost a partner or parent, divorce, etc. Until they accept the problems that have caused the hoarding they can't seem to tackle the hoarding. I also noticed that the professionals handle it differently to the family and friends and one thing I noticed was they give them the power and they have to get rid and not family member (hope that makes sense).

I don't think you will be able to help your mum because of how she treats you. No mother should treat their child like that I am 48 and starting to resent my mum due to how she treats me nothing like the scale you have had. in my case its verbal and drips in now and then. part of my problem is she lost my Dad and then had to move to sheltered accommodation and blames me for making her move. But I know deep down my mum loves me and would be mortified to know how I feel.

That aside this isn't about me. When I read your original post I was going to post about my Dad. He was a hoarder and I think for a lot of elderly people it may come from the rationing during war time and not throwing anything away it will have a use.

My Dad was a hoarder in the making but thankfully mum was able to contain it to his bedroom (she moved out of their room because of all the carp in there). He also had four sheds full to the brim - one had to have a sliding door put on it as it wouldn't open inwards one of them was a shed bought for his motor bike which never ever made it inside. When we lost Dad 4 years ago we said it was a good job he went first because if Mum had gone he would have turned into a full time hoarder. We had all four sheds to sort which took forever most of which had to be skipped and the picture below shows what he had in the loft and Mum had no idea yes they are bike frames and handlebars there were 4 complete bikes they filled a lawn which was probably about 30 - 40 ft long and 15 ft wide as a guess and they reached my waist height. I collected things when younger and if I hadn't gone the other way I would be like he was

oldtractor

JoJo {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
How awful for you.

euronorris

rising_from_the_ashes wrote: »

I think part of my problem is that I had it drummed into me when I was little that you don't throw things away that still have some use in them, as you never know when you might need them again.

I was thinking about this at the weekend. It occurred to me that for thousands of years, holding onto things was the right thing to do. The only thing to do, as you would be lucky to afford, or even find, something that you needed. So you held onto it tightly, repaired it when needed, and passed down what you could (which usually wouldn't be very much).

Now, however, we have so much available to us, and so much commericialism telling us that we NEED this, and WANT that, and how our lives will be so much better/easier with this or that in it. But we still have the same mentality/culture of yester year by keeping things. The two are a toxic mix IMO.

You get the high from buying something new, or even from finding a bargain, or getting something for free, without really considering if you need it. You bring it home, don't use it for 6 months, a year, whatever, but also can't now bare to part with it because 'it may come in useful one day'.

The reality of our situation is, though, that we can easily source that item, or something similar/appropriate at the time we need it, so there is no need to hold onto so much stuff. In doing so , we slowly create a prison for ourselves, perhaps deprive others of something they need far more than us, and make the fatcats richer at the same time.

Rising from the ashes - if you find yourself thinking 'you never know when you might need them again', try asking yourself 'how realistic is it, that that will happen and I won't have anything - something - appropriate/similar at the time?' and/or 'is this something I could easily borrow from a friend/family member, if I find I do need it (briefly) in the future?' and 'what real benefit is there to me keeping this?'.

Might help. I hope so

wannabe_sybil

I brought home a load of textiles from darling uncle this weekend. He can't seem to throw out anything with, as euronorris said, a bit of use in it. And he is sure there is use somewhere. It was from a blanket chest that hadn't really been touched in thirty years.

I found myself today looking at things and thinking - maybe I could use it for this, use it for that, use it for another... But I have asked myself 'when?', and admitted that it is unlikely to be in the next decade. Most of the sheets almost define threadbare, they are down to threads and holes, will go next door as my neighbour is a mechanic who uses a lot of rags. I am keeping a gorgeous bedspread, and have a place and use for it marked. Some of the sixties vintage curtains I will see if a retro shop would like, otherwise they, too, will go for rags. Uncle will be v happy if uses can be found for them all.

It is so hard - getting rid of things that 'have a bit of use in them'. That is the hardest bit of all for me.

Byatt

euronorris I think you are spot on. I was thinking along similar lines last night, as I think if I get rid of something I will then want it, but as you say, how difficult is it to source something. I have just been in my small garden and been as ruthless as I can, so far the car is loaded with plastic pots, an old cupboard, a baskety thing which I've never used but stood there for 10 mins arguing with myself, after all I could do this or that with it, but haven't in the last 12 months, so why would now be different. Anyway, it's now in the car!!

wannabe_sybil

I also think that you should look at something and think, 'I am paying for the floor/shelf space for this item, in my rent and mortgage. Is this item worth it?'

And how easy is it to replace?

I find it so hard to part with something that I may be able to do something with later. I just need to manage my realism about how many hours there are in a day.

(knitters' term, SABLE - stash acquired beyond life expectancy)

Edited to add - reason I actually signed on for was to ask, what is the messy thread? Is it that one that has over seven thousand posts? Do you have to read all of them to sign up?

lostinrates

A small breakthrough. I got rid of enough stuff to fill my wheelie bin this week. Its usually a quarter or a third full, at most of which i am pleased but i am trying to stop hanging o to stuff that should be in there because its not good enough to take to charity shop and not recyclable.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Hi, everybody.

I actually got a call from Her this afternoon. Mostly shouting about I had left her a message to call me because I had run out of credit (nope, I never run out and I certainly wouldn't ask her to call me) and then demanding to know why I legged it and left her with 'Them', meaning my sister and her husband.

She got fairly short shrift. Because, as I told you at the time, I was going to sort out the cat who, incidentally, is dead now.

'Oh. This is costing me a fortune, you know'.

Yes, so I'm off. To get the medication for the other cat who has the same. Bye.



I can't be doing with her.

And yes, the other cat does have the same condition.



And now I'm off to steam clean the downstairs bathroom.