Am I being unfair (friend related)?

POPPYOSCAR

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I'm not very good at friendships (I have TERRIBLE taste in friends) so I'm not sure if I'm being unfair or not.

I had a friend who I classed as a good friend. Her husband and mine worked together which is how we met. The blokes weren't particularly matey though so it wasn't just a friendship based on that. We had babies at the same time and it built from there.

When the husband and I split up the friend basically disappeared. There was no awkwardness or anything because by that point the blokes didn't work together anymore. It was just as if me being single was a problem. I actually found it with a few female "friends" and don't understand it at all. I just assumed it was partly to do with the fact that she had a new baby, her husband had just changed jobs and she had a lot on her plate and moved on.

Anyway last weekend the ex-husband and I went public on the fact that we are "dating" (I use that because people keep saying 'back together', but it's very different and to me back together would imply him moving back in etc and that's not where we are at).

Today I received an invitation to an annual summer event organised by said "friend" that for the past two years I've been excluded from (despite being the one who did all the baking and organised all the children's games/activities for the years before that). The invitation also included a note inviting me to contribute to the event if I so wish.

Am I being unfair to be deeply upset by this? It's as if I'm only worthy of being friends with when I'm in a relationship. I'm sorely tempted to tell them where to stick their do. I know my girls would have fun, but we're not going. I'd rather spend a fortune taking them to an over-priced theme park or zoo or something than spend the day with fake people.

It is this bit that sums it up for me.

I would not be going either.

lostinrates

January20 wrote: »

"nice" fairweather friend? Who needs a "nice" fairweather friend? This persons seems to be someone who dropped the OP when she was in trouble and could have done with as many friends as possible. She obviously didn't value the OP's friendship enough to carry on with the relationship during those difficult times, but as soon as the OP is back with her ex, she sends invitations - and has the cheek to ask for help with preps for the event! Yep, really "nice" friend!! People like that should be cut out of one's life!

I just think you have to emotionally understand the difference between friends...confidantes and extentions of ones own family, and the sort of friend better termed acquaintance i guess, who might be fun to knock aout with or meet other friends through but who you do not depend upon. I think if you meet more that five true ' sister or brother ' type friends in a lifetime then you have been very lucky....the others might be nicepeople to kow and to expect more of them is a path to disappointment.

January20

lostinrates wrote: »

I just think you have to emotionally understand the difference between friends...confidantes and extentions of ones own family, and the sort of friend better termed acquaintance i guess, who might be fun to knock aout with or meet other friends through but who you do not depend upon. I think if you meet more that five true ' sister or brother ' type friends in a lifetime then you have been very lucky....the others might be nicepeople to kow and to expect more of them is a path to disappointment.

Mmm! I see what you mean! I do agree about the differences between friends. I myself would say that some people are to be in your life for a short time - just to serve a purpose or for you to serve a purpose for that period of time, whilst others are there to last, to be more lifelong friends.

However, I did not see the OP's friend as either of these. More as a user when it suits her: she drops the OP when she is single (I've heard of this so often!) and then "picks her up" again when it suits her and asks for her help with organising a party from which she was banned when she was single.

My view is simple really: why risk being hurt by somebody who snubbed you before ie why run the risk of being let down again if (god forbid!) it doesn't work out between the OP and her ex? But more importantly: why allow people to treat you like this?

lostinrates

January20 wrote: »

Mmm! I see what you mean! I do agree about the differences between friends. I myself would say that some people are to be in your life for a short time - just to serve a purpose or for you to serve a purpose for that period of time, whilst others are there to last, to be more lifelong friends.

However, I did not see the OP's friend as either of these. More as a user when it suits her: she drops the OP when she is single (I've heard of this so often!) and then "picks her up" again when it suits her and asks for her help with organising a party from which she was banned when she was single.

My view is simple really: why risk being hurt by somebody who snubbed you before ie why run the risk of being let down again if (god forbid!) it doesn't work out between the OP and her ex? But more importantly: why allow people to treat you like this?

I think the difference is, once you have established what sort of a person this is, if tou find spending time with them pleasant great, but do not get close enough to let it hurt you.

Having moved as much as we do, not so much in uk, but in italy i have had several 'casual' friendships with partners of dh's colleagues and i know not to let them close enough to moan to (it would reflect n dh professionally) and to keep smiling even if i think they are twrrible...you never know when your husband might want a job reference from their partner or an introduction to a different employer or whatever. Its a small world and sometimes the best thing is to smile show your face at a thing and slip away knowing you can call the person for a coffee if you ever want to, but owe them nothing in the way opf social reciprication if you do not want to see them!

There_Goes_Trouble

If it were me I'd reply saying that since I wasn't invited last year, I'd forgotten all about it this year and have already made plans for that day.

That's if I bothered to reply at all....

thorsoak

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I'm not very good at friendships (I have TERRIBLE taste in friends) so I'm not sure if I'm being unfair or not.

I had a friend who I classed as a good friend. Her husband and mine worked together which is how we met. The blokes weren't particularly matey though so it wasn't just a friendship based on that. We had babies at the same time and it built from there.

When the husband and I split up the friend basically disappeared. There was no awkwardness or anything because by that point the blokes didn't work together anymore. It was just as if me being single was a problem. I actually found it with a few female "friends" and don't understand it at all. I just assumed it was partly to do with the fact that she had a new baby, her husband had just changed jobs and she had a lot on her plate and moved on.

Anyway last weekend the ex-husband and I went public on the fact that we are "dating" (I use that because people keep saying 'back together', but it's very different and to me back together would imply him moving back in etc and that's not where we are at).

Today I received an invitation to an annual summer event organised by said "friend" that for the past two years I've been excluded from (despite being the one who did all the baking and organised all the children's games/activities for the years before that). The invitation also included a note inviting me to contribute to the event if I so wish.

Am I being unfair to be deeply upset by this? It's as if I'm only worthy of being friends with when I'm in a relationship. I'm sorely tempted to tell them where to stick their do. I know my girls would have fun, but we're not going. I'd rather spend a fortune taking them to an over-priced theme park or zoo or something than spend the day with fake people.

She never was a friend! And she's certainly not worth getting upset about! Just a quick note saying "no, sorry - we'll be out with good friends that day - can't let them down" might just get the message over!

SueC_2

fluffnutter wrote: »

and one woman smiled at me all night asking whether the reason I was single was because I was a 'bit of a feminist'.

"Feminist? Me? No. Just lucky".

euronorris

GobbledyGook wrote: »

The blokes didn't work together anymore so there was no work politics. I don't generally "expect" an invitation to every event put on by my friends, but I'd helped her with the event every year for 6 years so don't think I was being OTT to be suprised (and hurt) to be completely cut out of it. She hadn't forgotten to invite me as she actively hired a children's entertainer and asked someone else to bake in my place.

Thumper - I did try to keep up the friendship, but she just ignored all contacts.

Ach well you live and learn. I'm a completely rubbish judge of character. The two friends who were there for me through it all and my cousin are all the friends I need really. I don't really know why I bother, I seem to attract users, needy folks and those who take advantage. Cheers all.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's impossible to know if a friend will stick by you through the hard times, until the hard times actually hit!

I'm sure everyone on here has lost friends through similar circumstances. I know I have.

The plus side - you've now recognised who your real friends are and how amazing they can be!

Bubby

Its funny isn't it how we suddenly become "different" people to some of our friends when we are single!

I too found out the hard way who was and wasn't a friend and it has made memuch stronger in not maintaining friendships with people who couldn't be bothered or found it akward that I was single. I would just sent a note saying "sorry we can't make it" and leave it at that!

Daisy70

I'm no longer in regular contact with two very close friends, both have children and are obviously too busy to see me. Hurtful but understandable; what isn't is that they both know my father has a terminal illness and neither have bothered to get in touch to see how I am. Shameful after a 25 year friendship.

Anyway, I wouldn't bother to go tbh. She's obviously one of those women who feels threatened by a single girlfriend and probably thought you'd make a play for her husband or something. You're now back in the fold as you're part of a couple again and can't be seen as a threat.;) All a bit fake.