Am I being unfair (friend related)?

euronorris

Bubby wrote: »

Its funny isn't it how we suddenly become "different" people to some of our friends when we are single!

I've noticed that it also happens the other way around, which sucks too.

I'm willing to bet that there is at least one person out there who feels that I ditched contact with her because she was single. That wasn't the reason. It was just that she wanted me to come with her, 'on the hunt' so to speak, several times a week, getting drunk and helping chat up guys. I explained that I wasn't comfortable doing that, and suggested we do something different but then she would just moan that she had no single friends to go out with and no one cared about her! The final straw came when she didn't bother to show up to my leaving do, didn't even text to let me know, didn't apologise, or contact me, afterwards either to explain. It pointed out to me how self involved she was so I just cut all contact at that point.

fluffnutter

It's certainly true that you have different friends at different times in your life. You're a lucky person indeed if you can maintain a really special friendship for your entire life.

Euronorris is right - sometimes we're not trying to ditch people; it's simply that our lifestyles have become incompatible. There's people I no longer see, not because I don't like them or we've fallen out but because I don't find enjoyment in the type of things they like to do (not that I really ever found much fun in going on the pull). It's no biggie; I doubt they miss my company. TBH, recognising that some friendships won't last is part of being a grown up.

Having said that, I don't ditch all my single friends! Far from it. It's just they know that I'd rather go and and eat (for example) than go clubbing so they can meet a fella (possibly). TBH, I think it's less to do with the fact that I'm married, I feel like I've done my stint in clubs. They bore me and no doubt would even if I were single.

Mojisola

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I did try to keep up the friendship, but she just ignored all contacts.

This is the bit that would make up my mind - definitely not worth rekindling this "friendship".

euronorris

fluffnutter wrote: »

TBH, I think it's less to do with the fact that I'm married, I feel like I've done my stint in clubs. They bore me and no doubt would even if I were single.

Ditto! Plus, I prefer to be at home in bed before 1am these days (I still have some friends who like to stay out as late as poss - but I think that might be more about them trying to prove to themselves that they're not too old for it, IYSWIM). I'm really tired by then, and don't see the point of staying out later just because I can!

If, of course, I'm having such fun that I don't notice the time, fair enough. I got home at 11pm last night, but didn't get to sleep until 1.30am as I was still on a high from the evening out with friends and kept talking to the OH about things like 'oh yeah, and we saw this, and that person did that, and I picked up a bargain, and OMG, I saw this too.'. Quite how he resisted the temptation to tell me to shut the f**k up, I don't know! :rotfl:

SandC

It's a minefield and to be honest, it's only because you care about people that you are even considering whether you are being fair or not!

I think if you were to go it would bring up some emotions that you are probably over by now.

I would decline or simply ignore. You know as you get older and realise who around is a true friend you care more about them and less about the flybynights. Although it has to be said there is nothing wrong with having acquaintances and sets of friends for different kinds of things.

As for the single/married thing I've been on the other side of the shoe also with being dropped as a singleton. And others have mentioned that you don't necessarily want to go out with singles partying - well that maybe gives me a clue as to what people seem to think we singles do - and at 41 it's certainly not going out and pulling all the time. Granted though, as someone who hasn't been in a relationship for yonks and even when I was I was always 'around', I tend to get more of the attention coming back when someone else splits up with a partner and expects me to join them on their second wind because they make such sweeping generalisations that we mustn't be sitting at home or anything, heaven forbid.

I have also learnt as others have said that friends come in and out of our lives and that's no bad thing.

I'm actually back in touch and hope to remain so with a very good friend who I lost contact with 17 years ago due to our changes in personal situations. I think both of us realise we should have maintained the friendship on a different level but hey ho, such is life.

*Louise*

I would have to ask her (preferably in person) why there was no invite the previous two years. Listen for an explanation, if it's not good enough then I wouldn't be going.

Sounds like you have some genuine friends around you who have been there for you which means you don't need her and her little parties (ave yourself some efort there lol).

I'm glad most of my friends are male - no one gives a monkeys if they are single or not lol. And my few close female friends aren't insecure enough to cut out single people.

euronorris

To be clear, I only had the problem with on friend wanting to go out partying all the time - she refused to consider other stuff as 'she was never going to meet a man that way'. But she was quite obsessed with finding a man and being in a relationship.

That certainly isn't typical of my single friends. In fact, it's the exception. Spent a lovely evening out last night with one single friend and one 'taken' friend

notakid

She's a "couple" friend and that's all she ever was. I wouldn't go either. She has shown her true colours, she isn't a friend worth trying to keep in my opinion.

People surprise you.

When my husband worked on the rail there was a group of us, around six couples who used to go away on weekends, we had a great time, I liked all the couples, they were thoughtful and nice people.

One of the couples broke up, the wife came to a party, the other women were distant, it seemed such a shame. the breakup wasn't her fault, she thought we were friends. One of the other couples had gone thru bad patch when her husband had cheated on a boys weekend away, the recently separated wife mentioned this episode, only saying that the Wife would know how she felt, she didn't, she just ordered her out of her house.

My husband was really close to one of the other men in the group and I really liked the wife, but when my husband left the Rail we were going thru some bad times. We had been invited to his 40th I wouldn't go as we were barely speaking ourselves, i know the couple felt left down by us.:( We are no longer in touch. His wife did call me and tell me who upset her husband was that my husband didn't attend.:(

Relationships esp work and friends can be tricky, don't take it to heart tho. Sometimes you don't mean to cut people out, you are going thru your own hassles, other times the circumstances in which you are friends are more important that the friendships. Only you know which camp this lady falls in to.

burnoutbabe

perhaps last year her bloke invited your ex bloke and some bird for him? so hence no invite for you as it would be awkward?

just see if your other half wants to go, if so go and smile nicely and have fun, if he doesn't don't go. I wouldn't get offended by it though.

carolpinkdreamer

I wouldn't bother to reply.
Perhaps she can't afford to hire an entertainer and the alternative baker has let her down so she decided to call upon your services again?
Cheeky hbitc!