Family childcare when in labour, am I being unreasonable?

Adorabelle_2

Hi, I am just over 38 weeks pregnant and I am so stressed! Ideally I would like my Mum to look after my 17 month old daughter when I go into labour. She lives down the road and her job is flexible enough so I could call her any time, day and night, and she would come straight to my house and look after my little girl. This the ideal solution for me as that means that no matter what time of day I have to go into hospital, my daughter is not disrupted and is in her own environment.

On New Years Eve my boyfriend and Mum had a huge disagreement. Granted, I think my Mum was in the wrong and I have told them both so but they are both so pigheaded and I feel stuck in the middle.

My boyfriend does not want my Mum looking after our daughter but he wants his Mum to. His Mum's work is not very flexible at all. When I was working earlier in the year she let us down a couple of times when she'd arranged to cover childcare so we had to change things at the very last minute. She also has childcare responsibilities for some of her other grandchildren so will not be able to drop things like my Mum can.

Other factors that are putting me off is his Mum doing the childcare are:
- she lives the other side of the city, so rather than having the flexibility of my Mum being able to just pop to our house and me not having to worry about getting clothes etc sorted I will have to pack things ready for my little girl when I'm in labour! I can pack to a certain extent beforehand but there are things I will have to do at the last minute and I cannot rely on my boyfriend to do it;
- My Mum drives whereas his Mum doesn't;
- My boyfriends brother-in-law has termial cancer and was given 2 months to live (around a month ago) so I've said to my boyfriend that if anything happens his Mum needs to be there for his sister.
- He is one of 6 children so there is always a house full of people when you go round his Mums house. When we'd drop our daughter off I don't want them all gawping at me when I'm in labour and trying to say goodbye to her!
- I don't want to wake my little girl up in the middle of the night to transport her the other side of the city and have her not go back to sleep (it is likely that she wouldn't go back to sleep) and then when she comes to see me and her new baby brother in the hospital be grumpy and have their relationship start off like that
- His Mum feeds her scrambled egg and beans for dinner EVERY day! (petty point I know but it's a real bug bear of mine and I don't want to be packing up meals when I'm in labour!)
- If I need thing picking up from my house I can get my Mum to do that for me. I was admitted with my daughter as my waters broke before labour so if I need clean underwear etc I am comfortable having my Mum do that for me rather than having my mother-in-law and her husband drive to my house and root around my underwear drawers!

I have tried speaking to both of them, but like I said they are both stubborn and are not thinking of me. My boyfriend can also be a bit of a bully and not consider my side of things or even listen to me at times I have multiple sclerosis as well as being heavily pregnant and I am upset that the two people who are supposed to care the most about me cannot even compromise or think of me at this time! The stress of this has been keeping me awake at night and I don't know what to do

Sorry for the rant and long post but am I being unreasonable not wanting his Mum to look after our daughter?

Thank you

nearlyrich

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, you need to get your BF to understand that what makes things easier for you is what is happening or he can look after your DD and your mum can be your birthing partner.

Auntie-Dolly

Not unreasonable at all. I think your boyfriend is being unreasonable. Let him read this thread & if he it still unwilling to compromise - put your foot down & tell him! Good luck.

FatVonD

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I think your partner is being an aris.

Tigsteroonie

If it were me, I'd be devious. I'd make the necessary advance arrangements for his Mum to be there ... and then, in the throws of labour (when a woman can't be blamed for acting irrationally) I'd phone my own Mum (ie your mum) to come instead

CH27

Is your mum willing to mind your daughter?

msb5262

Adorabelle wrote: »

Sorry for the rant and long post but am I being unreasonable not wanting his Mum to look after our daughter?

Nope, your partner is being unreasonable not wanting your mum to look after your daughter!

I agree with posters above - put your foot down and insist.
It will make all the difference to your feeling relaxed and ready to say goodbye to your daughter and give birth to your new baby.
It's also a lovely opportunity for your partner and your mum to bury the hatchet...not in one another's heads...and make it up.

Life is too short for situations where family have fallen out unless it's over something extremely important.



Best of luck with everything!

MsB x

balletshoes

your boyfriend is just going to have to suck it up I'm afraid - for almost all the reasons you mentioned in your first post, you Mum seems to be the best candidate to look after your daughter when you go into labour. You most definitely don't need the stress of wondering if your MIL will be able to arrange her schedule to take care of your daughter when you're going into labour.

Adorabelle_2

Hi, thanks for the replies, some have given me a giggle
Yeah my Mum texted my bf and me earlier saying that she is available at any time to look after our daughter but he's not said he's received a text from her. To be honest, since I told him this morning to him that I barely slept because of the worrying we've hardly spoken at all
My sister, bless her, has been my shoulder to cry on today and has been trying to speak to my Mum but she is 24 weeks pregnant herself so I don't want to put too much stress onto her!

Metranil_Vavin

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and in fact I think those closest to you should be getting over themselves and their petty squabbles to ensure that you are as relaxed as possible at this time.

At the end of the day, yours and your imminent new baby's well being are the most important thing right now.

waterbaby

I don't have any family nearby, and when I was pregnant with number 2, I had a five week schedule carefully mapped out, with days and nights covered by nursery and by seven other people, who all knew exactly when their day/time slots were... it was a military operation!

So I can definitely identify with the stress, but also having it sorted out like that was a VAST weight off my mind. No you are definitely not being unreasonable. Given all the points raised, your mum is the obvious choice. Some of the MIL things like the egg and beans don't really matter (your DD would only have it on that one day, maybe two but it would do her no harm), but having someone able to be there quickly and reliably is absolutely vital.

Has bf heard any stories from second time mums for whom it all progressed much more quickly than the first time? Tell him some! eg I set off for the hospital at 6.30, baby arrived at 7.55. Just this Saturday my friend left the house at 1.25, baby born at 2.30 after 30 min car drive! There really might not be time to be driving DD
anywhere!