MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Is it time to cut Tracey off?



  • full-time-mum
    full-time-mum Posts: 1,962 Forumite
    Now is definitely the time to sort it out - should have been done years ago.

    I think that the best course of action would be to sit her down and draw up an action plan. They shouldn't just cut her off, after all they have contributed to the situation so
    Help her
    • to write a SOA
    • sort out her budget
    • claim any benefits she may be entitled to
    • explain exactly what support she can expect from them (emotionally and financially, school trips, uniform or whatever)
    • sign her up to this site
    • sort out the best way for her to clear her debts
    • maybe offer to help with childcare so she can get a job
    • if needed, try and help her with her self-confidence/esteem
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  • How about reducing Tracey's allowance over, say, six months? That way there won't be a knee-jerk reaction which, as suggested, might result in loss of contact.

    And tell her that they're putting the money, which they're not giving her, into a savings account (one she can't access!!) for the grandson. Then offer lots of babysitting and childcare - that way they can ensure he gets good food and loving care. If she really can't look after him properly, they might offer to have him with them for a while - then she can look for a job!
  • I think what they need to do is cut off, or perhaps as one poster suggetsed gradually reduce the financial support, but instead to offer practical support - babysitting duties so that she can get a job, helping her to search for something appropriate, helping her to find out about any state benefits she's entitled to and making sure she fills in the forms, helping her to organise ways she can help herself financially (such as lending the car to allow her to do a car boot sale, or helping her to draw up a budget, find somewhere cheaper to live etc). - this will benefit her more in the long run than just giving her handouts.
    Also if she is using drugs and drink it's highly likely she needs professional help. Until she sorts this aspect of herself out she hasn't really got a chance of running her life in any sort of responsible way. Her Mum and Dad need to have a serious, compassionate but tough talk to her about this behaviour and encourage her to get the help she needs. They might offer to care for the child whilst she undergoes treatment, they might even pay (directly, rathe r than giving her the money) for additional counselling or private help if she needs it. I think this would be a much better use of the cash- to help stamp out her destructive habits rather than feeding them.
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  • lazy_girl
    lazy_girl Posts: 68 Forumite
    Ken & Deidre have to take some responsibility for allowing this situation to occur.
    Tracey should have been taught to stand on her own two feet a long time ago and if she struggles on her own now aged 30, her parents are partly responsible.

    I completely agree with this.

    I think they should offer help for the grandson - child care, school uniforms and trips etc, but no more money for Tracey.
  • Henwen
    Henwen Posts: 66 Forumite
    Financial discipline is a necessary life skill which all children should learn at school and at home. Clearly Tracy has missed out on this but still needs to know. Her parents need to act before the child gets too old and learns the same lessons as Tracy. Sometimes no is kinder than yes though it can also be harder to say.

    Tracy's parents have not done her any favours and so need to do this gently but they should definitely stop supporting their daughter. She is not on the bread line if she can afford drugs, she just has the wrong priorities. Clearly her parents can help with learning to budget and other practical skills and should support the child directly as suggested in other posts to avoid abuse.

    The parents also need to think long term. If Tracy bleeds them dry and can't look after the child, they may need to take him on. If they have no money this may not be possible. Tracy may also have a real emergency need for cash. How is it right or sensible for the parents to ignore this risk based on Tracy's current immaturity?


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  • Muffcat
    Muffcat Posts: 18 Forumite
    Yes of course it is, and long overdue at that! How can the parents claim she is "fiercely independent" when she appears to be totally dependent on their mis-placed generosity. As to concerns for the grandson, are we to assume the father is no longer around? If not, and he is not taking any responsibility for his child (which he should be) I can only suggest that if the grandparents are really worried they should, as a last resort, alert Social Services. But really, it is about time their daughter grew up and stood on her own feet instead of sponging off her parents!
  • This cause is lost. Ken & Deidre have created both the environment and moral climate in which this situation lies.

    It is not stated how dependent Tracey has been throughout her earlier years but experience of several similar similar cases leads me to the conclusion that at no stage during her life has Tracey been required to contribute and at all stages the things that she has wanted have been provided.

    This is a parenting problem where no boundaries have been set, no contributions have been required and, as a result, Tracey is in clover.

    They must either live with it or suffer whatever consequences arise from attempts to change the "status quo". These are likely to be from "you will never see your grandchild again" down to "you've never loved me".

    There is little likelihood the situation will get better and I fear their only hope is calm attempts to get Tracey involved in family/household life.

    Either way, good luck (they'll need it).
  • Aldahbra
    Aldahbra Posts: 317 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    I think that they should withdraw from funding Tracy. However, because their Grandchild is involved, they should do this in a managed way rather than suddenly. No matter how much money you have, if you suddenly don't have as much as you were used to getting it is hard to deal with. How much harder would it be for irrisponsible Tracy.

    They should explain carefully and clearly to Tracy that they can't continue to fund her. But they could perhaps offer to fund some things which are for thier Grandchild. Such as afterschool clubs or even school dinner money.

    They should agree their funding limit with Tracy and make sure that she understands that there is no more.

    Then they should stick firmly to their agreement.

    The Grandparents could offer support in otherways such as to Babysit or Childmind the grandchild whilst Tracy earns some extra money herself.
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  • Definitely cut off the money side!!! My brother of 34 has been doing this to my parents all his life. My father died recently and has now managed to get my mother to get into £54,000 of debt for him and his family. It has broken our family apart!!

  • Would agree with those saying don't give any more money to Tracey, but don't cut her off completely - they can support in other ways - helping her with a budget, buying stuff for their grandson directly (maybe uniforms etc)....

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