MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Is it time to cut Tracey off?

245

Comments

  • lizzie12_2
    lizzie12_2 Posts: 409 Forumite
    Sorry youve lost me...... who are you talking about?
  • Daisies
    Daisies Posts: 256 Forumite
    Can't they stop providing Tracy with money, but explain that they would like to support their grandson. That could include buying him some clothes or paying for him to go on school trips, which plenty of grandparents help out with.

    I think it's important that they make clear to Tracy that they can provide emotional support and help her learn how to live independently, but that they can't keep bailing her out financially.
  • They could cut her off. If they don't want to see the child anymore that is.

    Because the first thing she will do is stop all visits, calls, days out etc. So really its about cutting her and the child off. It appears they are in a position to be easily manipulated if they have strong emotional bonds with the child.

    If they didn't have any bonds with the child and did cut her off she would either get her life together.... or ......end up losing everything and perhaps even have the child taken into care.

    The fact that they are supportive albeit misplaced suggests they are really caring parents.

    So personally I think I would go down the avenue of cutting out her allowance until she can prove to me that she can get her life in order. And she would have to attend some form of debt councilling. No ifs or buts that would be all I would bring to the table and stick to it.

    If she couldn't do that then she's on her own. Well not exactly on her own. After all I'm sure she is so fiercley independant she will manage to find a way for the state to support her.:A
  • rogi
    rogi Posts: 2 Newbie
    I have to agree with the majority of emails about Tracy. Cut her finances off but not the grandson. Review the situation often and be prepared to step in if there is a change in Tracy's attitude. Anything else seems doomed to failure. At least this way something positive might result.
  • julesnye
    julesnye Posts: 183 Forumite
    why isn't the father of the child helping?
  • Mrs_Optimist
    Mrs_Optimist Posts: 1,107 Forumite
    My parents have done exactly this with my sis, who has a heart of gold but isn't the sharpest tool in the box. We buy things for her son (my nephew) when he needs things for birthdays etc (as well as a present) but my sister is on her own two feet, if she has squandered her rent money she faces the consequences. It seems to have worked too.
  • kikibee_2
    kikibee_2 Posts: 15 Forumite
    They should just do what grandparents do - spoil or treat the grandchild when necessary and let her be 'independent'. Has she no morals?
    :happylove Kikibee :happyhear
  • The status of the grandparents is not clear, but they are most likely heading towards retirement. If we are not careful all three generations will be living on benefits.

    Lay it on the line to Tracey, NO MORE MONEY.
    Offer to support the grandchild with goods AND CHILD CARE, while Tracey gets her act together. I think it was that chap Adam Smith who is appearing on the new 20 GBP note that said "someone is rarely more innocently employed than when trying to make a living".

    We don't know all the inns and outs of the personal lives, but it looks like they have been far too soft for far too long.

    I put my two on a strict allowance, with which they had to buy everything, at the age of 14 & 16 and it was the best thing I ever did 14 years ago. They stood on their own feet and got on with a debt free life.

    Support them with your time, your advice, help them decorate and furnish that first flat etc. make it clear that you are on their side come what may, don't be judgemental BUT DON'T GIVE THEM MONEY.

    The last thing you want is a boomerang kid with a baby.
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,620 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary I've been Money Tipped!
    I think her parents should sit down with her, point out that she is a single parent with huge responsibilities for the welfare of her child and that it is time she grew up and took those responsibilities seriously. That means reining in her expenditure and adopting a lifestyle which she can afford on her own income. Her parents should tell her that the constant "bailing out" will now cease and they should be prepared to stick to that arrangement. If their grandchild is suffering then obviously they can help out with clothes or other basic essentials but not another penny should be spent on their daughter's extravagant lifestyle. She's not independent at all. She's just a sponger who is taking advantage.
  • Ken & Deidre have to take some responsibility for allowing this situation to occur.
    Tracey should have been taught to stand on her own two feet a long time ago and if she struggles on her own now aged 30, her parents are partly responsible.
    I've seen the situation in real life and trying to wean them off gently doesn't work. The grown-up-spolit-child can always wheedle their way back in with indulgent parents.
    I'd also worry that Ken & Deidre wouldn't be able to stick to their guns and do Tracey the biggest favour of her life by letting her go it alone, so I don't think this is an easy yes or no.
    She won't thank them for cutting her off and to do it without any help, emotional support or advice about budgeting and finances would be highly inappropriate. But they should have stopped supporting her about 10 years ago.
    You also have to wonder what Tracey's self esteem is like. It may well be that she feels she can't cope on her own because her parents have always picked up the slack. Maybe because she's never been given the opportunity to do things for herfself and build her confidence in her abilities as an adult, she is still clinging to Mum & Dad.

    The truth is, it should never have come to a cruel "cut off" situation. Tracey should have been correctly educated by her parents about responsibility, looking after herself, paying her own way & budgeting and if her parents didn't teach her and continued to baby her up to the age of 30, they've made a rod for their own backs.
    Debt 2007 £17k :(

    Current Debt approx £7.5k :)

    Target - to pay off all debts by 2020 :A
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