Nice people thread part 6 - thrice by twice as nice :)

PasturesNew

MiddyMum wrote: »

Pastures, you seem to be living with my mother...

Ah.... that's handy ... I can box her up when she comes home and I now know where to send her

PasturesNew

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - as you anticipate negativity you do less and less .... and therefore appear to be fitting the box you've been put into ... if that makes sense. I feel unable to do things as I feel cross-questioned/criticised over things, so it's easier to be criticised for things not done than things done... as doing things opens up more information/avenues for criticism.

Still not twigged I love my cigs.... so I've decided I'll just be open and 'get caught' going out for one ... and see if that sparks off criticism I can fight back with and turn it on them as a reason I should look elsewhere.

PasturesNew

*part of a popular series of deletions*

LydiaJ

PasturesNew wrote: »

Stuff that's been deleted now

Can you smile, look faintly puzzled and say "I wonder why that sounds negative to you? I'm really enjoying the flexibility."

Or "Oh, are you one of those people who needs a routine to feel OK about life? I like the freedom to be spontaneous."

Or "No, a routine wouldn't make me feel better at all. And while we're on the subject, I feel you quite often tell me what you think I ought to do, and I'd rather you didn't."

Just generally:
Her: "You'd feel better if you did ABC."
You: "Thank you, but actually I feel fine as things are, and doing ABC would {bore me/not fit with my priorities/take too much of my time/other negative consequence}.

Don't be afraid to repeat yourself. If every time she says "you'd feel better if..." you reply "thank you I feel fine as things are..." then eventually she might realise she's not getting anywhere, and you won't have to think of an answer on the spot because you'll have it ready.

And always remember that she means well. People like that always do. They are just so sure that they're right about everything that they can't imagine how anyone could not want to benefit from their advice.

PS Let me know if you want me to delete this. ETA Quote from your post deleted as requested.

LydiaJ

MiddyMum wrote: »

PN - Why the hell does your landlord put you down? She is taking your rent money, she should treat you with respect!

In the LL's mind, she isn't putting PN down, she is *helping* her, which is a *good* thing to do for someone who's paying you rent. She doesn't understand that people don't find her "help" at all helpful.

lostinrates wrote: »

Some people just cannot help it. They usually don't realise they are doing it. It doesn't do to take it personally, but if surrounded by it, especially with no relief of a working day it is wearing in the extreme.

All pn can do is know that some people would critise ANY ONE and its not PN's issue.

Exactly. I've no doubt that this woman also "helps" everyone she knows, and has no idea how annoying they all find it. She's probably alienated a lot of people over the years. I'm not surprised she's looking for reassurance that you'll stick around, PN. It would be brilliant if you could gently tell her that you love the flat/house and would love to stay but just have one reservation about it, which is that you're uncomfortable with her giving you so much unsolicited advice all the time. But I know that may not be something you're comfortable saying.

lostinrates

I think the important thing top remember is that even though it would be better to deal with it, its not unkindly meant in all likelyhood. Peoe are....human, flawed. She probably advises because she cares.


Note....many men and proactive people say in response to ' i am tired and grumpy and too hot' go to sleep, open a window' not, 'awww, have a hug'. Its just a wiring thing.

I note i am very bad at sympathy often. A few friends suggested i become a counsellor when i was looking for stuff to do in changed life, and it was a true and genuine gut laugh from dh and i. We both know after half an hour i would crack, and 'helpthem' more behemently than pN is being helped right now.

I try hard to be empathtic, but i do not always acheive this, so often when the correct repsonse is ' sit down, i'll out the kettle on' i say ' right, well....firstly, do you have a pen and paper.....? ' i get moaning, i do anough of it myself, i just don't always get when its what other people want to do iyswim.

michaels

How about renting 'Single White Female' having your hair done to match the LLs and then suggesting perhaps you could borrow some of her clothes...

Do you think she is special too and is unable to empathise and that is why she treats everyone else as a child?

Edit: Brilliant cross post with LIR who must be on the same wavelength as me today as the first bit I typed I was thinking that was being so male, suggesting a course of action rather than empathising and the second bit was exactly LIRs post.

lostinrates

michaels wrote: »

How about renting 'Single White Female' having your hair done to match the LLs and then suggesting perhaps you could borrow some of her clothes...

Do you think she is special too and is unable to empathise and that is why she treats everyone else as a child?

I think inevitably its a sort pf speshulness.

I think most of have a few of them, even if they have not been id'd and named.

PasturesNew

LydiaJ wrote: »

PS Let me know if you want me to delete this.

The bit I said
Plz. Thx.

PasturesNew

LydiaJ wrote: »

But I know that may not be something you're comfortable saying.

You're spot on with the first bit .... and this last bit.

One thing that to me is MOST bizarre.... LL doesn't seem able to function (is petrified) of living/being alone, not having people around ..... various things have been said to this effect. As a loner, I find this very strange.