What to do

londonsurrey

Lexxi wrote: »

One of the replies that I have had from the samaritans was did I think it was worth sending the email to my husband to make him understand how I was feelling. I'm not sure if it would upset him, make him angry or give him something to use against me.

Do you ever read those womans magazines and the health pages have stories of serious, debillitating illnesses then they have the symptoms next to it and you think 'oh no I have four of those' The symptoms being something that could actually be a cold and then you realise only black men over 40 get this condition and you realise you're only problem is a mild case of hypochondria?
I look at the womens aid website and tick some of the things off but then think well it's not that bad, or isn't everyone a bit like that.

I've been reading the is this abuse thread and my OH was never like that with the heat and light, in fact he was the complete opposite, he had to have the doors open as it got so hot! This was while he knew we were struggling for money. I don't know what he has engineered so I feel this way, what is just down to the way things are/happen/life or what is me being depressed.

I know it's hard, and I've been there. I married my first boyfriend too.

There you are, living your life, decent hardworking professionals, helpful to neighbours and strangers, supportive of family, generous to all kinds of charities, worrying about pensions and holidays, wary of burglars and conmen.

Then BANG. Suddenly, it seems that the biggest danger, the biggest threat to the family unit is the person you trust most in your life. That decent bloke, that so many people like, that your heart and soul is centred around, is acting like some kind of demanding scrounger, uncaring about you.

In the blink of an eye, you've been transformed from respectable wife to one of those conned women who took up with a dodgy geezer, the type that you see in films and newspapers, and people tut sadly at. This can't be true, how could this happen?

Can you answer this question with no ifs or buts - would you want your daughter married to a man exactly like him?

Caroline_a

londonsurrey wrote: »

I know it's hard, and I've been there. I married my first boyfriend too.

There you are, living your life, decent hardworking professionals, helpful to neighbours and strangers, supportive of family, generous to all kinds of charities, worrying about pensions and holidays, wary of burglars and conmen.

Then BANG. Suddenly, it seems that the biggest danger, the biggest threat to the family unit is the person you trust most in your life. That decent bloke, that so many people like, that your heart and soul is centred around, is acting like some kind of demanding scrounger, uncaring about you.

In the blink of an eye, you've been transformed from respectable wife to one of those conned women who took up with a dodgy geezer, the type that you see in films and newspapers, and people tut sadly at. This can't be true, how could this happen?

Can you answer this question with no ifs or buts - would you want your daughter married to a man exactly like him?

One of the best posts I've ever seen on this type of topic. Butterflymind would do well to read this too.

Lexxi

I've been reading Butterflyminds thread which is what prompted me to reply as I saw that you had pasted that into her thread.

I have had a few emails back and forth with the samaritans and they suggested my initial email might be better being sent to OH as it was written for him. However, something they put in an email pretty much summed up everything for me about being hurt, lashing out, not communicating so I sent it to OH, it kind of opened up the communication thing a great deal (well from nothing anything is great to me) It isn't abuse, it's him having trouble with what happened to me, with us not wanting to upset the other neither of us have spoken about it causing this rift.
It feels positive that I am aware of how he is feeling but also frustrating that I can't fix things for him; fixing me isn't going to help him. He has suggested himself that he sees someone and I have given him details of the websites I know of. I desperately want to go back now I am feeling better but haven't mentioned this yet as I want him to start making steps forward rather than it being ok that he admits he has issues and that's as far as it gets.
I never expected that he was just as hurt as I am about what happened, I thought he hated me for it which was why he was being so off with me and had found someone else where he could forget about the hurt I caused.

I know domestic violence/abuse victims make excuses for partners, put it on themselves and wait for the person they fell in love with to reappear. This is why I haven't mentioned that I want to go back, he wants me back. I need him to make progress too, like I have, before we can work on us.

I think when you are in the situation domestic abuse is so hard to identify because of how low you've been made to feel. I don't want anyone to read this and make excuses for their partner but a whole lot of heartache could have been saved with us if we'd been a bit stronger and talked more and better.

Thanks for your replies guys, and for sticking with me while I was so confused!