What to do

Lexxi

londonsurrey wrote: »

My suspicion, based on the description I've read, is that he'll look at the letter, and think "Oh no, more yada yada, and there's TONS of it!", and skim read it

Then he'll misinterpret what is written, what I want and what I mean make out that I'm trying to put all our problems on him and start another argument eiher straight away or after he's sulked and held it in for a bit so that he can have an epic tant and tell me I've ended the relationship

conradmum

Lexxi wrote: »

It wasn't a dream, he was so loving and caring and I felt valued and wanted and loved. It's all gone, it's like it's an effort to even look at me, there's no affection or intimacy. I don't know if it's because of being attacked that things have changed or that he was never the perosn that I fell in ove with or he can't be how he was with me because he has someone else to be like that with

Some people put on an act until they've got some kind of hold over the other person - marriage, pregnancy, etc - something that makes it difficult to leave them. Then they relax and you see the true personality. It sounds as though his true colours are shining through.

Three things I've learned in life -

you can't change people

people don't change

judge people by their actions, not their words (although in your case the words sound pretty bad too).

Emmzi

yay for safe house!

Ok. Go and talk to the private landlord. Tell them you are moving out and there has been a marital breakdown, and you cannot afford to support the rent, and want your name taken off. Ask what conditions have to be met to do this. If that is terminating the lease so be it.

Be 100% clear you will not be paying and he can evict if he likes!

Emmzi

ps if there is very little equity in the house you can sometimes keep it in bankruptcy. Seriously, go chat to the guys on the bankruptcy board. The thought of being OFF any joint debt would fill me with joy.

Lexxi

I think I need to speak to him first before I do anything about the house we were renting together.
The only joint debt is an old council tax for about £200 the other 7k is all in my name! On paper there would be more than 7k equity in the house. I need to get a budget together to get it all paid off.

I don't know I could put an email together for him, I'm really angry about everything that has gone on and if we speak it comes out like I have some form of tourettes. It's not going to help anything.

londonsurrey

Lexxi wrote: »

I don't know I could put an email together for him, I'm really angry about everything that has gone on and if we speak it comes out like I have some form of tourettes. It's not going to help anything.

That sounds like a really excellent idea. It gives him less opportunity to manipulate you, to dismiss and deny things, and as you're encroaching territory that involves legal transactions, it will stand you in very good stead.

Lexxi

I emailed the samaritans in the end. I put this email together. Well pretty much stamped it out on the keboard, I might have broken buttons, then didn't see what difference it would make sending it out. It was about other issues not the relationship stuff as such, just some of the thiings he said. I didn't want to delete it though. I hope I got the address right and I've just spoilt some poor admins day!!

Lexxi

One of the replies that I have had from the samaritans was did I think it was worth sending the email to my husband to make him understand how I was feelling. I'm not sure if it would upset him, make him angry or give him something to use against me.

Do you ever read those womans magazines and the health pages have stories of serious, debillitating illnesses then they have the symptoms next to it and you think 'oh no I have four of those' The symptoms being something that could actually be a cold and then you realise only black men over 40 get this condition and you realise you're only problem is a mild case of hypochondria?
I look at the womens aid website and tick some of the things off but then think well it's not that bad, or isn't everyone a bit like that.

I've been reading the is this abuse thread and my OH was never like that with the heat and light, in fact he was the complete opposite, he had to have the doors open as it got so hot! This was while he knew we were struggling for money. I don't know what he has engineered so I feel this way, what is just down to the way things are/happen/life or what is me being depressed.

Emmzi

Hon, you are making excuses for him

Why not have a talk with women's aid? It might help to talk with someone experienced. And you know you don't need to tick every item on the list for it to be abuse.

Have you cancelled the direct debits yet? If not, why not do that today?

duchy

I think ......... You put your finances first . Contact your landlord and tell him you've moved out and ask if your name can be removed from the lease . Once you know what his reaction is and what options are available THEN is the time (possibly) to talk to your husband. If he wants to contact your husband to discuss a new lease etc-LET him !

As you've moved out you shouldn't be paying any household bills, rent or things for him like his car insurance. Your priority is your home and your own financial status. You may find once he realizes you are serious by not paying his bills he pays better attention to what you are saying and this isn't just you throwing a strop (I'm not saying you are btw)

Take things one day at a time-get a PAYG sim for your phone (giff-gaff do a fab one and make sure you get it from a cashback site ) -then you can run the rest of your life through the new phone number and only check the old number when you feel strong rather than jumping every time a text comes through wondering if it's him.

I know it's hard Hun but whilst he's not trying/not taking this seriously -you need to get on with your life rather than let him bring everything to a standstill-whatever happens with your relationship in the future you need to keep everything else moving forward for now .