What to do

Lexxi

I don't know what to do. I posted in a previous post that I was living apart from my husband while I sorted out some issues. I've been seeing a counsellor. I can appreciate that it's not the most ideal situation but my OH won't talk about us and how we fix things.
Today he has told me that we have x number of weeks to fix everything. To me it sounds like move back or it's over, as he won't talk about things.
He then phoned me, said some really horrible things, I don't even want to post about them as I know how awful it sounds, later he apologised and I could practically hear him shrugging as he did, like 'what you gonna do?'. I haven't spoken to him since and in all honesty I don't even want to go near my phone at all. Although he hasn't been in contact with me anyway so it's not like it matters.
Except I'm stuck for an alarm tomorrow. I feel like cutting him out but then I think of what an awful person that would make me, plus I can't say I'm strong enough or capable enough. Then I think I should sit down and talk about how over we are face to face.
I know exactly what I want and it has a fabulous Disney ending, I just don't know what to do.

conradmum

I don't understand why you would want to go back to a man who clearly doesn't care about you or your relationship? If he cared about not losing you he'd be prepared to talk things through, he wouldn't make vague threats and he wouldn't insult you then phone back with half-hearted apologies. Are these the actions of someone you want to be in a relationship with?
Why would leaving him make you an awful person? You're living in fantasy land if you think you'll have a fabulous Disney ending with this person. Maybe that's something that's making you hesitate, not the loss of the person but of the dream you had.

Sambucus_Nigra

How can you possibly fix things with a man who won't talk except for when he is being nasty to you?

Emmzi

Let's be clear.

His way of winning you back is to be rude, then apathetic, and at the same time threatening.

I can't believer you are even asking the question.

Let's imagine a Disney ending where you are free, empowered, and ok being on your own. Anything else is a fairy tale. You only get that by changing him; and after the age of about 12? You can't change them.

londonsurrey

You don't throw away your dignity for something so small as an alarm. There is a phone service that will call you up at specified times, if you don't have a mobile with an alarm.

Look at the real story here, and dare to believe the unspeakable.
The reality is that the man you loved, that you trusted to protect you against the world, is an insensitive lout who doesn't respect you or value you.

Your love for him, your fidelity and belief in your marriage, is actually being used by him as your weak spot.
While you're running around, searching your soul, looking for what it takes to finally make it work for both of you, he's just chugging along, sneering at your efforts, not bothered if it doesn't work.

jetplane

What do you mean you are stuck for an alarm tomorrow?

As for Disney endings have a look at the real endings to the original stories.

http://www.cracked.com/article_18589_7-classic-disney-movies-based-r-rated-stories.html

Do not blame yourself, you are not imagining things and you do not have a distorted view of him or the situation due to depression. He won't talk unless he's nasty or arguing and when together you sat in silence, there is no relationship to build on. Do not hang on for the scraps he will throw you, use this time with the councellor to help you move on and you will find your strength again.

Alikay

Wow, he's really done a great job on your self esteem hasn't he? How the heck can leaving a dishonest, unfaithful man who only speaks to you to insult you or give ultimatums make you an awful person?

Try and stay focused on sorting out practicalities like where to live and finances, and only consider a reconcilliation if he makes sustained changes to his behaviour.

Gingham_R

Emmzi wrote: »

Let's imagine a Disney ending where you are free, empowered, and ok being on your own..

This is just perfect advice. I wish someone had given it to me when I felt trapped in an unhealthy relationship with a man who treated me like dirt.

I felt responsible for him, felt like it was my fault we were having problems and desperately wanted it to be like I'd imagined it would be.

When I did gather my self esteem and end it for good, I actually cried with relief.

Sambucus_Nigra

jetplane wrote: »

What do you mean you are stuck for an alarm tomorrow?

I've heard some bizarre excuses for people staying in relationships but this is the most weird.

OP - alarm clocks are available for very little money in lots of shops....you can get them on phones, on watches, even on the computer. You do not have to stay in a relationship because he is your alarm clock. You should stay in a relationship because he is your rock! And if he isn't...then.....

Emmzi

I think OP means they usually use their phone as an alarm and are avoiding looking at it in case he has texted etc

In which case number blocking is the way to go

Sambucus_Nigra

Emmzi wrote: »

I think OP means they usually use their phone as an alarm and are avoiding looking at it in case he has texted etc

In which case number blocking is the way to go

Aah - in that case the OP could also put the phone on silent and just have the alarm going off, or buy a little alarm clock.