What to do

Lexxi

My havfever has been really bad this week and I've barely been able to concentrate so I figured I would reposnd to posts now I'm a bit better.

conradmum wrote: »

Maybe that's something that's making you hesitate, not the loss of the person but of the dream you had.

It wasn't a dream, he was so loving and caring and I felt valued and wanted and loved. It's all gone, it's like it's an effort to even look at me, there's no affection or intimacy. I don't know if it's because of being attacked that things have changed or that he was never the perosn that I fell in ove with or he can't be how he was with me because he has someone else to be like that with

londonsurrey wrote: »

While you're running around, searching your soul, looking for what it takes to finally make it work for both of you, he's just chugging along, sneering at your efforts, not bothered if it doesn't work.

I spoke to a friend before and she said the same thing, how can he give you a time limit to have things sorted when there are two of you in the relationship and he isn't doing anything, just sat on the sidelines

Gingham_R wrote: »

(That was 20 years ago and my husband has never once called me names or humiliated me.)

It's not a lot to ask is it? He gets angry and says awful things, twice he's said the same thing to me in recent weeks and it near enough takes my breath away with it, but if this is how he feels about me when we're married and love each other and have all those things that are supposed to go along with that, what on earth do other people think/feel/say about me that don't love me, that are in my life because we work together or live near them.
If he really thinks what he's saying there are much better ways to go about saying it. He doesn't want to discuss things, it feels like he wants it to be all me.

He's given me an impossible task of sort it out or it's over. If I was snoring and waking the street I could understand this comment but he's not clear on what he wants sorting and for the things that I feel need sorting it's not likely to happen in this timescale, or by myself. This means that he can shrug, walk away and put it all on me

londonsurrey

Lexxi wrote: »

It's not a lot to ask is it? He gets angry and says awful things, twice he's said the same thing to me in recent weeks and it near enough takes my breath away with it, but if this is how he feels about me when we're married and love each other and have all those things that are supposed to go along with that, what on earth do other people think/feel/say about me that don't love me, that are in my life because we work together or live near them.
If he really thinks what he's saying there are much better ways to go about saying it.

And there you have it. Has it occurred to you that his version of love is not the same as yours? You know what love means to you.

However, what does him loving you mean to him? Does it mean taking care of you, worrying about you, wanting good things for you, respecting you?

Or does it mean that he's done you the honour of long ago telling you that he loved you, and he's even married you, so that's that. You're now his wife, so what more do you want? And quit nagging him, he's got all these bloke things to mooch off to do.

Lexxi wrote: »

He doesn't want to discuss things, it feels like he wants it to be all me.

He's given me an impossible task of sort it out or it's over. If I was snoring and waking the street I could understand this comment but he's not clear on what he wants sorting and for the things that I feel need sorting it's not likely to happen in this timescale, or by myself. This means that he can shrug, walk away and put it all on me

Exactly. Stop moaning. Just get on with being his service droid, the handy body in bed. What more could a woman want, for heaven's sake? And is it too much to ask for you to do these things without going on at him about heaven knows what, that's he's absolutely not bothered about?

If you look at his actions, do you think that this would be a fair guess of what he's thinking?

Emmzi

there are buses. there is radio. tv license and running a car are in no way "essential". And I am damn sure HIS dents are not essential for YOU either.

Now come on love. Stop acting like a mug. Get back in control, we are cheering you on!!!

Gingham_R

You can do it!

Lexxi

londonsurrey wrote: »

If you look at his actions, do you think that this would be a fair guess of what he's thinking?

When you compare what he does against what he says they are conficting and I am starting to think that maybe he does think that he's married me, what more do I want from him.

Emmzi wrote: »

there are buses. there is radio. tv license and running a car are in no way "essential". And I am damn sure HIS dents are not essential for YOU either.

Now come on love. Stop acting like a mug. Get back in control, we are cheering you on!!!

Gingham_R wrote: »

You can do it!

The TV licence people are funny about giving the refund so I'm going to look into it first but I have cancelled the direct debits for the debts, a whole £10! But it means I can up my payments to my other debt to the £15 that they want from me.
It's also a good job I checked my account as my payments to Barclays are supposed to be frozen and they were trying to take over £100 :eek:

Can I get my name removed from the house does anyone know? It's rented but there are arrears

I feel bad doing these things, I feel like I should be working harder for this marriage but at the same time I guess he should be working just as hard as me. The counsellor I have been seeing suggested writing things down as a letter to him, not necessarily to send to him but if I wanted I could. I wonder if it would make any difference

Emmzi

you will need to talk to the landlord about getting your name off the rent book and they may not allow it - OH would need a new tenancy in his name alone. It is more likely to happen if it is a social landlord.

Also if you are totally skint with debts there is bankruptcy - that will mean you can;t be chased for the debts any more. Bit drastic but maybe a clean break for you. There is a special board all about that further up! I would have a read, I think information is power.

I think it is an excellent idea to write everything down so in a weak moment you can look back at it and remember why you are better off just having you to look after

And don't forget we are all hear to help.

Emmzi

PS where are you staying just now? Is it safe and can you stay there a while? Or do we need to sort you with a new place to live?

Lexxi

Emmzi wrote: »

Get back in control

I haven't had any control for a long while, the attack took it away. Then my wages are take up with bills, his expenses then nothing left after that

Emmzi wrote: »

Also if you are totally skint with debts there is bankruptcy - that will mean you can;t be chased for the debts any more. Bit drastic but maybe a clean break for you. There is a special board all about that further up! I would have a read, I think information is power.

Emmzi wrote: »

PS where are you staying just now? Is it safe and can you stay there a while? Or do we need to sort you with a new place to live?

Definately not bankrupt, I have a house that is motgaged in my name, it was rented but recently came empty so I have somewhere, safe, long term and all mine, just trying to make sure I've got enough to pay everything. It's a private landlord, I a little bit want to keep my name on in case he abandons then I can give notice so as not to put the landlord out too much but at the same time I wouldn't want to keep any connections.
Me and him need to talk really before I do anything I guess

londonsurrey

Writing the letter is good. It clarifies your thoughts.

The best case scenario, that we would all wish for, is that he reads it, thinks omigosh, and starts pulling his weight.

My suspicion, based on the description I've read, is that he'll look at the letter, and think "Oh no, more yada yada, and there's TONS of it!", and skim read it if he even agrees to read it.

However, even a negative reaction from him, although not the fairy tale ending that we would wish for you, is still something that you can use to help decide what kind of man you really have there, and plan your future accordingly.

londonsurrey

In the old days, the man brought in the money, which paid for the little woman, who looked after the home and looked after the man.

Nowadays, especially if a woman is earning, there is little excuse for a man to try to claim a traditional role and want a "little woman" at home to look after him.
If he's not earning, not looking after her in alternative thoughtful ways, and just wants her to pay for and look after him, then he's not a big man with a little woman, he's a ponce.