Are we being unfair?

Sambucus_Nigra

KiKi wrote: »

I agree with you - it's a family decision. But I don't think everyone's views carry equal weight per se, nor that it should be "4 votes for no outweighs 2 votes for yes".

(If for no other reason than an only child would always be outvoted!!)

KiKi

Aah - the old 'all of us are equal but some are more equal than others' stand off.

the_cat

I think you are placing rather too much emphasis on the importance of the geography of changing homes in creating a 'new start'. Any problems you have will travel with you, will they not? THe memories and problems caused by the affair will not in any way be cancelled out by moving! Clearly the house/location you are in now are not a factor in any former unhappiness so why would moving create any different a relationship/life between you and your OH than staying where you are for a few more years until your kids are a little older and more independant?

KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Aah - the old 'all of us are equal but some are more equal than others' stand off.

I'm going for the "your opinion is heard and taken into account but ultimately I have a broader and deeper perspective than you" stand off.

Not as catchy as yours, though... :rotfl:
KiKi

Newly_retired

I am so grateful that my parents waited till I had finished school to move house.
It is not so very long, in the greater scheme of things, to let them finsh their education or at least let the youngest get to 16, when there might be a change of school anyway.
The parents will have a far better chance to put down new memories once their children have fled the nest. It becomes a totally different way of life.

kentish_delight

Thank you all those that replied for your opinions. I have read each one and considered all comments equally. With those comments in mind, I have spoken again to the kids and after they believed their opinions were being considered, it has turned out that actually, they dont mind moving, not in the whole scheme of things, they just were worried about "change".

The comments that perhaps i should wait until they leave schooling is a fair one, but i am in council housing, and selfishly should i wait til one by one they disappear I would only be allowed to downsize to a smaller property, hence wanting to move whilst my children are still with me. Selfish? Yes, probably, maybe even definately.
But this is not not not the reason we wish to move. We (hubbie and I) have few friends here, more acquantainces and neighbours rather than true friends.Actually, this is very sad to admit, but we actually have no friends really. People we say hi too, and stop and chat to as we walk doggie, but thats it. Family members live the other side of town, so we have to drive there anyways. We dont go out now, not socially. We spend our "social" time together, either at home, or on a sometimes rare drive out to the seaside. DH works, (i do not) comes home, we spend time with the kids, watch tv, walk the dog, go to bed. We arent "pub" people, neither of us drink, and we are both home bods really. The affair happened by way of Facebook (devils creation) and - as much as im sure no one will believe, but i can only stress the importance of this - in no way influenced our decision to want to move. It happened, it was dealt with, it is history. Im not "picking up the pieces", they are all put back together.
I really appreciated the input from the lady whose 12 yr old was moved to a village, I will consider this heavily and discuss it with my own DS. It is a very valid point.
Anyhows, the upshot of all of this is....
DS1 reckons he will be too knackered at the end of his working day to care WHERE he lives lol, and will probably stay at mates' in town on a weekend; DD1 said it will force her to take the driving lessons she has been putting off, and as one poster said if it doesnt work for her she will return to uni-sharing; DD2 is sat here with me on a sunny Sunday afternoon, moaning she has no friends anyway "so what the hell, may as well move to Australia mum"; and DS2 says so long as I allow sleepovers then he just wants us all to be happy .
So, I have decided to give it a go. Try to exchange, this in itself may well take a year or so! Although there is a lady interested so, maybe sooner, maybe not. But however long it takes, we have nothing to lose, so long as we all have each other.
Thank you all.
(i guess it may help explain if i add that we have lived in this current home 5 years, and not once in that time has it felt like "home", not like our old home. We never really settled, the kids did, fair enough yes, but we didnt. It certainly doesnt feel like our "forever home". So by way of moving, its not the memories we are moving from, its the "unsettled" feeling, that has existed far beyond any affair even raised its head.)

Mojisola

kentish_delight wrote: »

Anyhows, the upshot of all of this is....
DS1 reckons he will be too knackered at the end of his working day to care WHERE he lives lol, and will probably stay at mates' in town on a weekend; DD1 said it will force her to take the driving lessons she has been putting off, and as one poster said if it doesnt work for her she will return to uni-sharing; DD2 is sat here with me on a sunny Sunday afternoon, moaning she has no friends anyway "so what the hell, may as well move to Australia mum"; and DS2 says so long as I allow sleepovers then he just wants us all to be happy .

So, I have decided to give it a go. Try to exchange, this in itself may well take a year or so! Although there is a lady interested so, maybe sooner, maybe not. But however long it takes, we have nothing to lose, so long as we all have each other.

That sounds like a result! Everyone's had a chance to have their say and there's a general consensus.

angelbob

i think you really need more thought than yyou are giving the subject, kids adapt and 5 miles is nothing, but how are you going to feel when you husband is at work and your alone? your not over the affair or you wouldn't have mentioned it. moving away isn't the answer and leopards dont change their spots, believe me. i put up with it for too long. btw was it your husband's idea to move?

Dunroamin

aliasojo wrote: »

I think that's unfair.

Parenting is a difficult job that involves consideration and care and making decisions that are in the best interests for all, not just the parents.

Teenagers are of an age where their opinions should count imo. I think it's wrong to treat them as if their views don't matter and you will do *whatever* no matter what they feel.

That's not to say you should automatically do whatever it is they want, but I think the way you seem to blanket dismiss their input as carrying little weight isn't conducive to a well balanced and healthy family. In fact if anything, it's the quickest way to breed resentment and rebellion. Imo.:D

I never said that rhe children's opinions didn't count; what I said, quite clearly, is that they shouldn't carry equal weight with those of the parents which had been suggested with the " 4 votes to 2" argument.

I agree strongly with the point in your first paragraph that it's the parents' responsibility to make a decision in the "best interests of all". Iin this particular case, that seems to be the health and future of the marriage, not the geographical closeness of the children's friends.

aliasojo

Dunroamin wrote: »

I never said that rhe children's opinions didn't count; what I said, quite clearly, is that they shouldn't carry equal weight with those of the parents which had been suggested with the " 4 votes to 2" argument.

I don't think it's as simple as that.

I do believe there are situations where the youngster's/teenager's opinions may be worthy of more consideration than the parents. So I could see a situation where votes should carry equal weight.

It all depends on circumstances though and the reasons for going/staying.

Sambucus_Nigra

Dunroamin wrote: »

The opinions of teenage children carries the same weight as that of their parents? Not what I'd call good parenting!

Dunroamin wrote: »

I never said that rhe children's opinions didn't count; what I said, quite clearly, is that they shouldn't carry equal weight with those of the parents which had been suggested with the " 4 votes to 2" argument.

Actually you said that people who did give their teenager's opinions equal weight was not a good parent. Not that it matters, as the OP seems to have spoken to their kids and come to an agreement.