Are we being unfair?

kentish_delight

Hi there, long time lurker, first time poster! Would be grateful for some opinions please.....

Brief history, married, four kids left at home (was down to three but daughter returning from first year of living away at Uni as she has realised she can commute cheaper than paying to life away) ages 13, 15, 17 and 19.

Anyways, usual ups and downs of family life, with the usual trials and tribulations we all have on a daily basis, never a quiet house with a family of 6, plus an additional 3 kids that no longer live at home. DH and I have had our share of difficult times in the past year and a half, (he had a brief affair, we fine now but it has been tough, stronger for it, remarkably, but tough getting here), and due to a number of factors, we have decided that whilst we know how important it is to put kids first the majority of the time, we are now at a stage whereby we need to also put ourselves and our needs and wants first too, and have decided that we should like to move house, to start new memories somewhere else, a fresh start so to speak.
We live in a smallish town in east kent, out house is 3 beds, fairly ok sizeish, nice direct neighbours. We are within walking distance of the town with its shops and pubs, say a 20 minute walk. My DD2 takes the bus to school anyway as its 4 miles away, my younger DS2 goes to a different school to which he walks, some 10 mins away. DS1 starts work Monday a 10 minute walk away from home, DD1 will need to get the bus/train to uni upon her return home. DS2 has a small (4) group of friends that live locally and to whom he goes to the park with after school and at weekends, DS1 friends all live in a village a train ride away, DD2 only goes out on weekends as she prefers to stay home in the week.

Well..... we want to move 5 miles out, to a small village. A traditional village with one shop, a butchers, a greengrocers, a post office, and a pub. A bus runs every half hour into town one way, and to the beach the ot5her way. As the kids school would be more than 5 miles away they would get the free school bus, and I drive so would be willing to be mums taxi, mostly! we honestly want to start again, but its not that far out, they dont have to move schools, they can keep their friends, they can catch a later bus home after school so can go to town first, they can still go to town on weekends easily enough. I have said i would be willing to collect them from an evening out or from a friends house so long as they get themselves there at least (the buses do run!).
Its not like we are trying to move them to another county, or to the other side of the country, we just want to move from one post code to another. I realise that teenagers in particular do not like change, but one day they will all have left home, and we will have stayed put....because we didnt want to upset them.
Am i wrong in wanting to move, should I allow the kids to dictate what we can and cannot do? Or should we just move, and do all we can to help them adjust?
THanks.

whitewing

No you are not wrong but my guess is that the most upset will be those who are away.

I would certainly start looking. You may not find anything suitable for a long while.

kj*daisy

You need to check the free bus thing, if your kids could go to a nearer/catchment school than the ones they do go to you may have to pay. If they dont change schools. Also some councils may be looking at removing free travel due to budget cuts. Otherwise no, you are not being selfish, my parents moved us an hour away from freinds to start a new business when we were teens, we stayed at the same school but had a longer commute, we weren't at all happy about it and dad did alot of taxi driving, and we stayed at friends alot,but ultimately we knew why they did it and it was something they had to do for them.

KiKi

No, I don't think you're being unfair. I'm sure most of them will not want to move (after all, most people don't love change if it's not of their own instigating), and if they're still going to the same school, it's not like you're uprooting them.

I think you should ask them for their views - and consider them - but no, they shouldn't dictate what you do. You're the parents, and it has to be what's best for the whole family; a 13 and 15 year old certainly are not able to make that sort of decision.

Involve them as much as you can in both the decision and the move - but ultimately if you want to go and there's no really significant reason not to, then do it. All the best!

KiKi

Savvy_Sue

kj*daisy wrote: »

You need to check the free bus thing, if your kids could go to a nearer/catchment school than the ones they do go to you may have to pay. If they dont change schools.

this: you're choosing to change your address, you won't necessarily get the free transport.

You're not wrong, but I personally wouldn't choose to move to a small village with teenagers. Although it does depend on the teenagers ... but they're at or getting to an age when a) they want to be more independent and b) you want them to be more independent, so making it more difficult for them to get home after seeing friends doesn't really mix with that.

sparrer

I'm not sure how one 'starts new memories'. Your youngest child is 13, could you not wait just three or four more years until they've completed their schooling? It's understandable to want to cement your relationship now it's back on an even keel but an upheaval isn't exactly a calming event. I would still put my children first while they're at school, you'll have the rest of your lives as a couple, and believe me speaking from personal experience it'll be a very long time! Can't really agree with a move at this time but that's just my personal opinion. Have you heard the story of the old man sitting at the side of the road?

A car stops at the entrance to a village, the family gets out and the father asks, 'What's it like, living here, old man? We need to move' The old man replies, 'oh, so you want to move do you, young man? What's it like where you are now?' They family say they don't like it, it's a dump, a horrible place, the neighbours are rude, the shops are all too expensive, the transport service is dreadful, they've had some bad experiences which they want to get away from. The old man sucks on his pipe for a moment then says 'It's just the same here, really, so you really wouldn't like it'. They get in their car and drive off to look elsewhere.

A few days later a car stops and a family get out. The old man is sitting by the side of the road and the father says 'Excuse me Sir, my family and I are looking for a new home and are considering your village. Can you tell me what it's like here, please?'. The old man said 'yes I can, but why do you want to move?' The family tell him they love where they are now, have lovely neighbours, all the shopkeepers are friendly and helpful, people were so kind when they went through a bad patch so they'd be sorry to leave but they're just looking at the moment. The old man sucks on his pipe, thinks for a moment then says with a smile, 'What a coincidence, it's just like that here. I think you'd be very happy here'. The family get back into their car and drive into the village to have a look at some houses.

To put it in perspective wherever you are it will be the same, it's people who make the most of what they have, not the place they live in. You can't run away from yourselves, if you emigrated to Australia the incident would still have happened and still be on your minds.

You're obviously a strong couple, and whatever you decide to do I wish you both much happiness

Spottedleopard

I don't think your being selfish at all.

Up until my parents died (when I was 18) we lived in central Glasgow so we were close to everything- school, work, friends, shops etc. However, when they did die we went to live with my aunt in the sticks for a while and it was a 25 minute car journey to the nearest main road so we were really cut off- but it worked. She gave us lifts to places when she could and when she couldn't me and my sister would get together and split the cab fare between us.

The only thing I would watch our for though is that your eldest two might get the itch of learning to drive and wanting a car (if they don't have one already!) as this is how I came round to wanting to learn to drive.

It is definatly do able. I used to have to travel everyday for nearly 6 months for over an hour to get to college etc but I got into a routine and it became second nature.

queena987

I am agree with Spottedleopard,I don't think your being selfish at all.

mintymoneysaver

I don't think you're being selfish, but I can also understand your children's point of view. They are at the age where they like things around them to be stable, and moving house to one that they have no affiliation to will be hard for them. Plus, you may well get fed up of being a taxi at some point in the future...

Sambucus_Nigra

Why have kids and then not take their feelings into account? Surely they are part of the family too? If you were being democratic then 4 votes for no outweighs 2 for yes.

Dunroamin

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Why have kids and then not take their feelings into account? Surely they are part of the family too? If you were being democratic then 4 votes for no outweighs 2 for yes.

The opinions of teenage children carries the same weight as that of their parents? Not what I'd call good parenting!