Are we being unfair?

Mojisola

Is there something specific that living in that village will give you that you won't get elsewhere?

I can understand you wanting to make a fresh start but, with your children at the ages they are, you are risking becoming an unofficial taxi service for a good few years yet.

Could you compromise and find somewhere new to live that will let the children socialise without you having to be on hand all the time? Or stay where you are and make some changes as Alikay suggests?

silvercar

I think you should disuss this with your children and listen to their opinions. How much weight to give to their views depends on how good their reasons are. When we wanted to move our children were 12 and 15. W discounted the younger one's reasons but did come to an agreement that he could have friends to stay over whenever he wanted to alay certain fears. The older one said that area X was fine but area Y was too far off the map as he would have no friends in that area, it was not easily accessable by public transport and was that much further from his group of school friends that it would be too far for them to venture out to comfortably. We accepted those reasons and discounted area .
Even though as parents it is your chose, it is only reasonable to listen to your children's views -they may offer something you hadn't considered.

PS However much you offer to be Mum's taxi, there are times you won't want to be at their beck and call. You have your own social arrangements, you want a drink or its 3.30am on a sunday morning!

whitewing

The other thing to consider is that if you are relying on specific public transport services, would you manage if they got cut or rescheduled?

I remember reading a blog about a family who went to live in France, and mum commuted by plane to her job in London each day. Then the flights were cut and she had to stay in London during the week. Extreme example but you can be a very organised parent and things can change anyway.

Alikay

My parents actually did this when I was 13/14. The village was not on a bus route and I had a mile walk (in the dark in winter) on a footpath through fields to the bypass where the bus ran hourly, followed by another bus to school. The village kids went to another school but my parents kept me at my old one as it was a grammar school and did a completely different syllabus. We had no phone and I had no local friends. Luckily it didn't work for my mum and dad either, and we moved back into a suburb of the city the next year.

KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I'll ask again - why is it not good parenting to give 4 teenagers' opinions 'equal weight' when it comes to a decision on moving or not?

IMO, a 13 year old generally does not have the same rounded or fuller perspective of the whole family's needs that a good parent does.

Of course, everyone - including parents - are likely to have some bias in their opinion, I accept that. But a 13 and 15 year old in particular are likely to think relatively selfishly, and not have the depth of understanding of a family's situation, including finances, emotional needs etc.

That doesn't mean their opinions aren't valid - not at all. And they should be considered and listened to, and given weight. And fully involved in helping the family make the right decision for them. But a good parent will see the child's views as well to get a whole view of the family - whereas most children would struggle to see the parents' views and only think about the consequences for themselves. So their opinions should be listened to and accounted for - but not automatically "4 overrules 2".

JMO, though.
KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra

KiKi wrote: »

IMO, a 13 year old generally does not have the same rounded or fuller perspective of the whole family's needs that a good parent does.

In this instance, the father has had an affair and the whole family has to up sticks...I'd say the kids probably have a better perspective on the matter than one parent who has had an affair and another who has to clean up the mess it's left.

System

The children need more than anything else parents who are happy. Though i'm not so sure isolating yourself in a small village is the answer.

KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

In this instance, the father has had an affair and the whole family has to up sticks...I'd say the kids probably have a better perspective on the matter than one parent who has had an affair and another who has to clean up the mess it's left.

I'd say that in the complex nature of marriages and relationships the children most certainly do not have the emotional understanding of what the marriage has been through. They'll probably have a good understanding of the implications on themselves, but it is highly unlikely that a 13 and 15 year old really have a better understanding of the emotional implications of an affair on the marriage itself.

Which is why I say that a good parent will take the kids' and their own views into account - but a child will most likely take only their own views and not understand the broader or parental needs as well.

Regardless, you asked why a teenager's views shouldn't have the same weight as a parent's - and if you think that a teenage child can take as whole or as deep a view as a good parent, then that's your prerogative. But you asked the question and I answered from my perspective!

But, as before, JMO.
KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra

KiKi wrote: »

Which is why I say that a good parent will take the kids' and their own views into account - but a child will most likely take only their own views and not understand the broader or parental needs as well.

I'm not saying they won't - but to say carte blanche that 'The opinions of teenage children carries the same weight as that of their parents? Not what I'd call good parenting!' is the generalisation that I was asking Dunroamin to explain.

5 years of a teenager's life is huge - whereas 5 years of an adults, well, they are adults, right - so should be able to cope. Staying put [where they presumably chose in the first place] for 5 more years isn't going to make a huge difference to their lives. Wheres for the kids - it's a massive change. And one will be taking exams next year.

I'm not saying move, or don't move. I'm just saying that with 4 teenagers that presumably the parents decided to have, why have them and NOT take their views into consideration? Seems very odd to me - surely it's a family decision?

KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I'm just saying that with 4 teenagers that presumably the parents decided to have, why have them and NOT take their views into consideration? Seems very odd to me - surely it's a family decision?

I agree with you - it's a family decision. But I don't think everyone's views carry equal weight per se, nor that it should be "4 votes for no outweighs 2 votes for yes".

(If for no other reason than an only child would always be outvoted!!)

KiKi