Are we being unfair?

Bitsy_Beans

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Why have kids and then not take their feelings into account? Surely they are part of the family too? If you were being democratic then 4 votes for no outweighs 2 for yes.

I don't think that's quite fair. OP has already explained how she is happy to accommodate her children's social lives, being mums taxi etc. it's not like they've turned around and said sorry kids were moving and were not going to support you with the change.

I don't think you're selfish, if you can move then I would do it (having checked the free transport thing as other posters have pointed out).

Sambucus_Nigra

Dunroamin wrote: »

The opinions of teenage children carries the same weight as that of their parents? Not what I'd call good parenting!

Why not? They live there too.

They aren't babies - half of them are young adults now.

The OP asked a question and I responded. If I'd known I had to have my response authorised by you then you should have let me know.

Dunroamin

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Why not? They live there too.

They aren't babies - half of them are young adults now.

The OP asked a question and I responded. If I'd known I had to have my response authorised by you then you should have let me know.

You gave your opinion, I gave mine - I don't know why you're getting your knickers in a twist!

aliasojo

Around 10 months ago, our family moved to a small village and whilst the place itself is peaceful and has certain benefits, the negative effect it has on our family is immense.

I have to take my 12 year old to school every day because she's not eligible for the school transport, she's just outside their catchment policy. She can't just hang out with her school pals after school, she has no-one to 'play' with in the evening. For a kid who walked to school with her pals every day, this was a big change and not one for the better. She's much more isolated now.

Winter here was no fun at all, it got dark early and the roads were bad. I still had to run her to school and then once school was over, that was her, pretty much stuck in by herself. She's a good kid and after the initial refusal to move, she accepted that we had to (because of OH's work) and she tried to get on with things but the reality is she's miserable here for a large part of the time. It's hard watching your kid try to put a brave face on things for your sake when you know they are so unhappy inside.

Her school pals sometimes do spur of the minute things that she's not invited to as they want to do it 'now' and not have to wait for her to get through from the next village.

We have one shop here that of course is expensive so we have to travel to buy anything.

Our fuel bills have nearly doubled since moving here. It's all very well saying 'Mum's taxi' but you'd be surprised just how expensive (and time consuming!) that can become.

So whilst you're not wrong for considering moving, I think you need to really think hard about the effects of day to day living on all the people in your family. Especially when they will affect you all for a long time to come.

I wish I had dug my heels in and refused to move tbh. I'm personally actually reasonably settled now but our move wasn't fair on the kids and their lives have definitely changed for the worst. They still want to go back 'home' and so does OH now (and he was the one who pushed for the move). I for one did not fully appreciate just how difficult life would become living here.

I don't believe kids should make the family decisions, but I do believe at this age their opinions should count and the ways a move would affect them should be taken seriously and not dismissed just because they are kids. This is an important time for them at school and if a kid is generally a bit unhappy, it can really affect them across the board. Only you will know your own kids though, just throwing the thought in the ring iyswim.

I think a move to a new house is probably a good idea for you to start afresh, I'm just not sure a new start requires a move to a small village?

Good luck OP with whatever you decide. It's difficult weighing everything up and wanting to do right by everyone.

Sambucus_Nigra

Dunroamin wrote: »

You gave your opinion, I gave mine - I don't know why you're getting your knickers in a twist!

No, you didn't give an opinion of the OP's situation. You decided to accuse mine of being 'not good parenting'. Hence me responding.

I'll ask again - why is it not good parenting to give 4 teenagers' opinions 'equal weight' when it comes to a decision on moving or not?

aliasojo

Dunroamin wrote: »

The opinions of teenage children carries the same weight as that of their parents? Not what I'd call good parenting!

I think that's unfair.

Parenting is a difficult job that involves consideration and care and making decisions that are in the best interests for all, not just the parents.

Teenagers are of an age where their opinions should count imo. I think it's wrong to treat them as if their views don't matter and you will do *whatever* no matter what they feel.

That's not to say you should automatically do whatever it is they want, but I think the way you seem to blanket dismiss their input as carrying little weight isn't conducive to a well balanced and healthy family. In fact if anything, it's the quickest way to breed resentment and rebellion. Imo.:D

FatVonD

I don't think you're being selfish but will your eldest still be able to commute to uni from the new village? If not I'd consider staying put a while longer rather than saddle them with extra student debt.

Actually, I'm torn, by 18 I'd left home and if you wait for them all to finish uni you could be there for some time!

determined_new_ms

ok I'm from south east kent. the schools your teens are at will offer the kent freedom pass. £100 outlay and then they ride for a year so that's that sorted.

I do think that adults should make the decisions not teenagers, the oldest has the opportunity to move back to uni and find her own feet if she doesn't like the idea of the move, probably best for her in the long run anyway.

The younger teens may just find they like it more and expand their social network - when I lived in a small village as a teen all the kids hung around at the park and there was a wide age range - I think from about 12-19years.

I think if you weigh it all up and decide its for the best then do it

mountainofdebt

I personally think that moving to a small village may not be the good idea you think it will.

Whilst some villages are no doubt very welcoming, I bet there's an equal number that are clicky and you're only one of the locals when you've been there 25 years

Have you thought about how soon the willingness to act as a taxi service will wear off ?

Also where are your friends? Have you thought about how you are going to manage your social life (would there be arguments as to who was driving / cost of taxis ) if you moved further away?

Alikay

I think it's very bad timing and you risk either becoming a taxi service for your teens or them feeling very isolated. You and your DH could make changes to your lives from your current location: If it's "the good life" you want for example, you could get an allotment near your home. What sort of things are you planning to do to create these new memories?