He commits adultery yet everything seems to be against me!!

duchy

I don't understand why you are worried he'll be upset. This is the man who informed you back in January he wouldn't see his child or pay any support until YOU had paid for a divorce . I hope by now you know that what he told you about not having to pay child support until you are divorced is absolute nonsense. He should be paying 15-20% of his income now. If he's still not paying you need to be putting a claim in with the CSA now !

As for threats about not seeing his child (the adult child is not really relevent she's old enough to make her own decisions who she and her own child see) at 15 let him justify it to her himself. Keep out of it.

In January you didn't return to the thread to thank people or update them -will you be doing the same this time ?

Caroline_a

He's laughing at you, as you are still running around after him. We all know it's hard when you have loved someone, but believe me, now is the time you have to put the important people first... You and your kids and grandchild!!

Do nothing for him from now on in, any spare money, spend it on you and the kids. Birthday and Xmas presents???? Paaah!! Let him buy his own!! Show your children what a strong woman is like...

paddy's_mum

jsandra wrote: »

I am only guilty of loving him to much, doing all cooking cleaning etc and being to soft.

I just dont know how to stop loving him even after everything he has said and done.

THIS is the root of all your problems and all those tears.

He's behaving so badly because you actively encourage him to do so. 'Doormat' doesn't begin to cover your attitude and conduct. You seem to delight in cowering like some beaten dog while never getting angry enough to say Piddle Off and take your demands, debts, and disloyalty elsewhere!

It appears to me that you are so determined not to make him face up to things that you will allow your little family to "struggle to get by". That strongly suggests to me that you'd rather they went without so long as the shabby man you undeservedly honour with the name of husband suffers not one jot - not in his wallet, not in his comfort, not in being denied whatever he wishes ...

At rock bottom, you want him back and until you come to terms with how dangerous that is to the mental, physical and financial health of you, your daughters and your grandchild, you will just carry on ignoring any advice offered. You're drifting along like a rudderless boat and none of that will change all the time your secret heart yearns for him to come home so that you can once again forgive him and settle back into comfy-old-slipper married life ...until the next time.

There's a very old and wise expression that covers what you are doing - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

I wish you well but nobody can help you until you are yourself ready to fight back against his disloyalty, deceit and dirty little games. Good luck.

duchy

Also what kind of example are you setting your daughters ?
Do you want them to think it's OK for them to enable future partners the way you are enabling your ex to mistreat both you and them ? If you can't do it for yourself -do it for them !

paddy's_mum

duchy wrote: »

I notice you were given all the same advice in January on an earlier post -and nothing has changed. Can I ask why ?

What a very pertinent question!

OP - do you get some kind of thrill from banging your head against a brick wall again
and again
and again
and again
and again




Nobody but you can make the pain stop. I think you would greatly benefit from behavioural therapy to try to discover exactly why you are still captured and enslaved by this grubby man.

Can I point out that it isn't your husband who is "messing with [your] head"? It is YOU who is doing it, all by yourself and until you find a way to deal with your own folly, you will go on for years feeling bitter, resentful, desperate and lost. Is that the future you would like for yourselves?

londonsurrey

He's behaving abysmally. He's let you down, totally.

Unfortunately, we can't give you the husband you want. And it sounds like realistically, there's not much that can be done to turn him into the husband you want.

So you can stay as you are, suffering. You can scream, you can rant, and we can offer you sympathy. And your situation will not change. We can still offer you sympathy though, as he does sound like a husband none of us would want.

If you do decide to accept that it's all over, and get rid of him, we'll cheer you on. We'll still agree that he's a horrible cheat of a husband. And some of us will have good advice for the various steps along the way.

What we can't do is to magic him into a good husband. We would if we could.

mountainofdebt

duchy wrote: »

In January you didn't return to the thread to thank people or update them -will you be doing the same this time ?

I'm so glad you posted this ......I was being to think I was going mad for a minute when I saw the date that this thread was started as I was sure I'd read the OP many moons ago.

Just_Plain_Jane

OP, I want to shake you to bring you to your senses, I really do.

He is off having a life while you deal with the !!!!!! he's left behind and you are still doing all you can to make his life comfortable. You're too scared to stand up for yourself in case it puts him off coming back! This is the bit you need to work on.

Even if he does condescend to come back to you, how long will it be before he is chasing another bit of skirt? Do you want to wake up one day and realise that you've wasted most of your life on this philandering !!!!!!?

Your daughters can already see him for what he is. They are not little children any more. Please stop interfering in their relationship with their father, they deserve the opportunity to decide for themselves where he fits into their lives, if at all.

Many posters who have given advice here gave you the exact same advice in your previous threads. I think you know what you need to do and yes, I do understand how hard this is for you having been through it myself. If you ditch him now and start gathering your self-respect, you will quickly see that it isn't divorce that's hard work - it's being married to a man who doesn't give a toss about anyone but himself.

As for the other woman, you have done yourself a favour by offloading this kn0b onto someone who has the same moral fibre as him. They deserve each other.

paddy's_mum

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

this kn0b

Please don't call this man a knob.

Whether it be the male organ of generation or the item of hardware that allows me to easily open a drawer or cupboard, knobs have a real value and a reason to exist...!!!

Just_Plain_Jane

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Please don't call this man a knob.

Whether it be the male organ of generation or the item of hardware that allows me to easily open a drawer or cupboard, knobs have a real value and a reason to exist...!!!

I'm struggling to find a more appropriate word that won't offend anyone. :rotfl: