He commits adultery yet everything seems to be against me!!

jsandra

My husband was having an affair with someone at work and left me and our 2 daughters aged 25 and 15 in Jan 2010 after 25 years together and 23 of those married. He had 3 affairs that I knew of and had left me before for 2 years but I have always been soft and forgave him. I have never done anything to him no affairs nothing I am only guilty of loving him to much, doing all cooking cleaning etc and being to soft.

I have had legal advice since he left and I know he isnt paying me enough for our 15 year old and he has paid no morgage since he left. I work 16 hours a week and with my benefits struggle to get by. My eldest still lives at home and now has an 8 month old baby. She pays me most of her benefits to help me out. She has suffered depression in the past and says she will always be here to help me through my dark days!

When he left he moved in with a woman who has been married and divorced 3 times with a reputation of using men for what she can get.

He only comes to the house once a week for an hour to see the kids and sees me aswell and always messes with my head sometimes making me think he hates me and others that he will be back. I know I am stupid but I just dont know how to stop loving him even after everything he has said and done. I have had to make the kids speak to him get up and see him but he doesnt realise this . He only get birthday, fathers day and xmas presents because I buy them for them to give him. My eldest says if he starts a divorce and we have to sell up and move she will get an injunction out to stop him seeing her and her baby. I have fought this and she says she only talking to him for my sake but I know he thinks the world of our kids and his grand daughter even though he doesnt always show it and this will upset him so much and he will blame me for it.

I am not sure if I can get a morgage to cover the existing one but I do pay it myself every month no arrears and never late but I also know that if when we divorce I wouldnt be able to get a morgage and pay him what he awarded so we would have to sell the house and move into rented. I know this may make me better off as I could pay of debts he left me with.

After being pressured by him in Jan I went to the solicitor and started divorce proceedings and trying to make him pay the costs. My sol keeps on about how I dont get much in the way of legal aid and it is nearly run out and then I will have to come to some agreement with them for paying. 3 letters down I told my solicitor to forget it he obviously doesnt want the divorce as much as he says or he would have paid. She said that he will come back probably doing me for unreasonable behavour and I said if that the case it will be lies and I wont agree . But she said it wont matter he will just issue papers and I will have to accept!! I thought after 2 years you could divorce only with concent.

I said I wanted her to tell him about him owing me for his half of the morgage from the last 28 months which amounts to over £10,000 and she said no cus this sorted with the financial things. I went to a meeting with the mediator and a couple of weeks later he went to a meeting with him and obviously didnt like what was said to him cus next day he rang to say I could have house everything he wanted nothing and was going to tell his sol that but all I ever got was a letter saying he not paying towards costs. We are meant to be having a joint meeting but have heard nothing since 20th March ! My sol then said I should stop paying all the morgage and only pay interest only and save the rest towards my legal bills!!! How is this going to help me! I know I will most likely be able to stay in house till youngest finishes school end of the year she 18 but if I alter morgage this definately wont help me to get a morgage surely?? Also wouldnt he have to agree to this aswell? I keep saying how he is lying saying he has no pension when I know for a fact he has but noone is listening to me!!!

Just dont know what to do any more seem to have spent last 30 months in tears and now it seems even my sol doesnt want to help as I have no money. Please can some one help me to understand it all why does it seem he does wrong and destroys it all and yet everyone seems to be on his side!!:(

gizmo111

I would suggets you go to http://www.ondivorce.co.uk/chatdiscuss.htm there are some very knowledgeable people on there who save me literally '000's of pounds and my house when I divorced 7 years ago.

BitterAndTwisted

He's had three affair that you know of and you still let him back in the house on a weekly basis. Not only that you buy him cards from your daughters.

Once you get to arrange your divorce settlement I'd take off his share of the equity the 50% of the mortgage payments he hasn't contributed towards.

If he's not paying you enough to support your youngest daughter just stop messing about and get in touch with the CSA.

But first you need to make up your mind whether you're going to continue to be the doormat he wipes his feet on or get up and fight. I suggest the fighting because he sounds like a total @rse and can't imagine why you appear to be still hoping he'll change his mind and come back to you like he did before. Men rarely respect women they can treat so shabbily so easily. I'd have kicked his backside into the middle of next week after the first betrayal, so there never would have been a second or a third.

Emmzi

you are fixing things so he thinks his daughters are ok with what he has done.

they are old enough to meet him in town. stop seeing him. let them make their own effort if they want to go.

stop the cards.

deecide what you want financially and just serve the papers. then he can argue. it will at least get it shifting.

don't think emotionally. You and he are over this time. Get your sensible head on. You've a grand daughter to think of.

londonsurrey

I don't think your daughter needs an injunction to stop him seeing her and the baby. She can limit his contact to her right now. Whether it is advisable to do so, for the baby to have its relationship with a grandparent deliberately limited, is a moral consideration, separate from her legal ability to do so.

In fact, the less he sees of the baby now, the fewer rights he will have in the future. Courts only tend to ignore who has done what wrong, and look at what is deemed least traumatic for a child, that that includes severing established relationships. Call CAB for guidance on this.


BTW he's walked out on his children, which points to him probably being able to walk out on a grandchild, so this may not be something that comes to pass anyhow.

londonsurrey

jsandra wrote: »

After being pressured by him in Jan I went to the solicitor and started divorce proceedings and trying to make him pay the costs.

Am I reading this correctly? He's had the affairs, walked out on you, and now is getting you to run around to do the paperwork for and file for the divorce?

Do you want the divorce, and what exactly is he pressuring you for?

charlie3090

I agree with everything the other posters have said,I would also get a
free half hour with a different solicitor as your one doesnt seem to be very attentive or helpful.
I know you say you love him,is it possible that you feel dependant on him or that you are afraid of being alone after such a long time in a
relationship?.
You will get through this and come out a stronger person,he is still playing you by keep coming round,if hes so desperate for a divorce then why is he leaving it all to you?.
Lastly,have you talked to womens aid,they are fantastic and they
can offer you so much support.
sending you hugs,
C x

Caroline_a

In a nutshell:

If he wants to see the kids, let him arrange with them direct, he does not need to see them in your home. And he has no assumed right to see them or your grandchild anyway without a court order in place.

Go to the CSA and start a case for maintenance

Pay interest only on the mortgage

Stop wasting legal aid on a divorce, it's only a piece of paper that says the marriage is over. It's over anyway, if he wants the piece of paper let him pay for it!

Start living your life as you want to, it doesn't include him any more!!

Good luck, you hold all the aces, you just aren't aware of it. Get a new solicitor...

PS what debt of his are you paying and why??

duchy

I do agree with Caroline

I think you've run around after him for so many years that it is a hard habit to break.

If your kids are old enough to walk to the shops alone then they are old enough to make their own arrangements to see their father (I'm assuming we're talking teenagers here EDIT Just seen one is 15 and one is in their 20s !).If he can't be bothered making the arrangements direct with them then it's better they know sooner rather than you promoting these silly fantasies that the relationship is stronger than it is -the same with you from protecting him from the fact they aren't bothered remembering his birthday-He's an adult -give him the chance to reflect on why they aren't bothered and maybe he'll work harder at his relationship with them.

It's also ridiculous that he is still coming to the house to see them -They aren't babies-If they don't want to go to his home then he can take them for something to eat, for a walk , the cinema-whatever. After all this time why should he be bothering you in your home-You both need to break that habit and move on with your lives -seperately.

Switch the mortgage to interest only -why would you give your money to him -you need it and as the house equity will be split later on you pay the minimum you have to now.

Put a CSA claim in-ensure he is supporting his children as he should.

Joint debts are one thing -but why on earth are you paying debts that are his ????

Cancel the divorce-there is no earthly reason YOU should be paying for it-If he wants a divorce-let him pay for it-Does it really matter if you divorce now or later.

Get a new solicitor once he gets around to starting proceedings-This one is only interested in their fee.

Stop enabling him -Stop making excuses to save his feelings if the kids can't be bothered getting out of bed to go out and see him-then let them and him sort it out. Don't get involved-I'm sure they have mobiles he can call them on to make arrangements -you're not his social secretery. Doesn't sound like he's bothered too much about your feelings .....and I'll bet you that once you stop running around after him he'll respect you more for it (once he gets over the inital shock of it ! )

Be kind to yourself -Do things for you -lunch with friends -a spa treatment-the luxury of a lazy afternoon with a good book-a long soak in the bath -whatever makes you feel good. Yes you're a Mum and a grandma but you are also a person -one who has put everyone first all the time-now it's time to acknowledge that you need a bit of looking after too-and once people see that you feel you are worth taking care of -they will take better care of you too !! If you think of yourself as a doormat you'll be treated as one-if you say firmly-I am worthy of more-you'll get more !!!

EDIT I notice you were given all the same advice in January on an earlier post -and nothing has changed. Can I ask why ?

POPPYOSCAR

jsandra wrote: »

My husband was having an affair with someone at work and left me and our 2 daughters aged 25 and 15 in Jan 2010 after 25 years together and 23 of those married. He had 3 affairs that I knew of and had left me before for 2 years but I have always been soft and forgave him. I have never done anything to him no affairs nothing I am only guilty of loving him to much, doing all cooking cleaning etc and being to soft.

I have had legal advice since he left and I know he isnt paying me enough for our 15 year old and he has paid no morgage since he left. I work 16 hours a week and with my benefits struggle to get by. My eldest still lives at home and now has an 8 month old baby. She pays me most of her benefits to help me out. She has suffered depression in the past and says she will always be here to help me through my dark days!

When he left he moved in with a woman who has been married and divorced 3 times with a reputation of using men for what she can get.

He only comes to the house once a week for an hour to see the kids and sees me aswell and always messes with my head sometimes making me think he hates me and others that he will be back. I know I am stupid but I just dont know how to stop loving him even after everything he has said and done. I have had to make the kids speak to him get up and see him but he doesnt realise this . He only get birthday, fathers day and xmas presents because I buy them for them to give him. My eldest says if he starts a divorce and we have to sell up and move she will get an injunction out to stop him seeing her and her baby. I have fought this and she says she only talking to him for my sake but I know he thinks the world of our kids and his grand daughter even though he doesnt always show it and this will upset him so much and he will blame me for it.

I am not sure if I can get a morgage to cover the existing one but I do pay it myself every month no arrears and never late but I also know that if when we divorce I wouldnt be able to get a morgage and pay him what he awarded so we would have to sell the house and move into rented. I know this may make me better off as I could pay of debts he left me with.

After being pressured by him in Jan I went to the solicitor and started divorce proceedings and trying to make him pay the costs. My sol keeps on about how I dont get much in the way of legal aid and it is nearly run out and then I will have to come to some agreement with them for paying. 3 letters down I told my solicitor to forget it he obviously doesnt want the divorce as much as he says or he would have paid. She said that he will come back probably doing me for unreasonable behavour and I said if that the case it will be lies and I wont agree . But she said it wont matter he will just issue papers and I will have to accept!! I thought after 2 years you could divorce only with concent.

I said I wanted her to tell him about him owing me for his half of the morgage from the last 28 months which amounts to over £10,000 and she said no cus this sorted with the financial things. I went to a meeting with the mediator and a couple of weeks later he went to a meeting with him and obviously didnt like what was said to him cus next day he rang to say I could have house everything he wanted nothing and was going to tell his sol that but all I ever got was a letter saying he not paying towards costs. We are meant to be having a joint meeting but have heard nothing since 20th March ! My sol then said I should stop paying all the morgage and only pay interest only and save the rest towards my legal bills!!! How is this going to help me! I know I will most likely be able to stay in house till youngest finishes school end of the year she 18 but if I alter morgage this definately wont help me to get a morgage surely?? Also wouldnt he have to agree to this aswell? I keep saying how he is lying saying he has no pension when I know for a fact he has but noone is listening to me!!!

Just dont know what to do any more seem to have spent last 30 months in tears and now it seems even my sol doesnt want to help as I have no money. Please can some one help me to understand it all why does it seem he does wrong and destroys it all and yet everyone seems to be on his side!!

Who exactly is 'on his side'? What do you mean by this?

Mojisola

jsandra wrote: »

My husband was having an affair with someone at work and left me and our 2 daughters aged 25 and 15 in Jan 2010 after 25 years together and 23 of those married. He had 3 affairs that I knew of and had left me before for 2 years but I have always been soft and forgave him. I have never done anything to him no affairs nothing I am only guilty of loving him to much, doing all cooking cleaning etc and being to soft.

I know he thinks the world of our kids and his grand daughter even though he doesnt always show it and this will upset him so much and he will blame me for it.

Why are you worried about him being upset?