He commits adultery yet everything seems to be against me!!

duchy

I'm sure the OP thinks we are harsh but honestly -HE can't make you a victim -only YOU can do that.

I can't help but wonder what your daughters really think. Are they afraid of upsetting you? Surely they'd rather see Mum making a new happy life for herself than be stuck longing for a man who makes little effort to see them or uses them as pawns to emotionally blackmail you into getting his own way. They are old enough to support you emotionally but I honestly can't believe they want to see you stuck in this horrible limbo.

I hope this time you come back and talk about what is stopping you moving on . We won't pat you on the hand or wave a magic wand but we can help you move forward-but you have to genuinely want it first OP.

BitterAndTwisted

I'm not offended by mention of "knobs" or any other vulgar euphemism.

What I am offended by is the realisation that there's a woman out there who, having been kicked like a dog over and over again, cannot or will not face up to reality. And appears to be the engineer of their own continuing, abject misery. I once read that the true definition of mental illness is to repeat the same behaviour over and over and keep expecting a different outcome. This seems an apt description of the OP, if a tiny bit harsh.

Tiddlywinks

If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got...

So, if you carry on being a doormat - despite reading feedback on two threads telling you that you need to stop - then you will never improve your life.

Your husband isn't the problem now - you are because you're not emotionally detaching yourself from your (should be) ex husband and your're not really taking steps to remove him from your life.

jsandra

I know most of you think I am stupid! I did return in Jan and read what was said and wrote some thank yous being new to all this you dont alweays know what you are meant to do but I did write Thank You's. Sorry if I offended any of you:(. I havent been on for a few months cus my computer broke and I had to save to get it repaired. Sorry for offending anyone but that seems to be me allover!! For some stupid reason I like to try to please everyone but just never ever suceed. I did listen to the advice given went to CAB and sol and mediation. I know I am a soft touch and a doormat but dont know how to change habits of a lifetime. I dont know how to harden my heart , how to become selfish and put myself first. I know my marriage is over and dont want him back after all he has said and done but that doesnt stop me loving him and being soft stupid idiot me.
He is pressuring me to do the divorce so I have to pay not him. I dont know any other reason unless it to please who he is with now.
Maybe I am like this cus I am afraid of being alone after all these years. My kids tell me how much better I am without him and that I am stronger and better than I was but I dont see it myself.
Like Caroline-a said it is only a bit of paper and if he wants it he can pay. The debts are credit cards which were used to buy thing he wanted and money for him when he wanted extra to what we had but like an idiot I took them out in my name. If I knew then what I know now I would never had done it.
I know if I said he couldnt come to the house to see the kids they wouldnt see him at all and then even though it would be their choice and his own fault it would be me upset and feeling guilty. They both have mobile and when he first left he used to call and text them but doesnt bother anymore. Also the sol told me I couldnt stop him coming to the house as his name still on the morgage.
What I mean by on his side is I pay the morgage and when I said I want it put in writing to him cus I want what he hasnt paid taken into account when things are being sorted the sol said she wouldnt do it it is for when we sort out the finances. She said if he comes back starting the divore himself just to agree with what ever he says no matter if they lies or not. Also him saying he has no pension when I know he has . I told the sol about his bullying text and she didnt want to know any of it. She is meant to be on my side helping me but whatever I say doesnt seem to count and it feels like he can do and say what he wants and that is fine!!
I learnt a lot from my visit to the mediator and his visit obviously upset him, I had a letter to say he was going to discuss it with his sol and they would be in touch with me and I have heard nothing else.
I keep my front door locked now with key in it so he cant just walk in on us when he feels like it.
Of course I dont enjoy feeling like this:( I just want to sort my life out and be happy again. I am sick of crying being miserable and wishing I wasnt here anymore. I just dont know how to pick myself up and start all over again x

Alias_Omega

I would move on in life, get yourself a new partner and with no doubt your ex-husband will try to get back in on the scene. You will need to push him away.

CSA - Your daughter is 15 now, so you have less than 3yrs of maintenance income before she becomes 18/leaves school. At that point she is going to have to pay her own way.

Mortgage - If you cant afford it, you cant afford it. Interest only will only delay the problem until interest rates rise/or your fixed deal ends. You may have to consider selling and moving to a "cheaper" property.

But really, Get a new man, one who stays over now and then and does not move in. Someone who you can get out the house to the cinema, nights out etc. That will pick you up, and move you on.. :j

Just think, 3 more years and your potentially kid free and available to travel around Earth.. :beer:

Just_Plain_Jane

No-one thinks you are stupid OP. You're just ground down by your situation, that's all. If that changed, these feelings of helplessness would change because you would be removing the root cause of the problem.

Putting yourself - and your family - first is not selfish; it's necessary for your wellbeing.

duchy

OK

Well done on coming back and responding.

First of all -sit your daughters down and ask them how they would feel if you stopped him coming to the house. If he genuinely cares for them he won't stop seeing them -and if he does they may not be that bothered but talk it through with them they are adult and near adult and may welcome a chance to tell you what they think. I suspect their reaction may surprise you.

Second -get rid of your solicitor -they sound useless -or maybe they are simply reacting to your reluctance to move things forward ? A fresh start now you are stronger (not strongest just stronger than you were) with a new solicitor is likely to be better.

Thirdly -RING the CSA -he has a legal obligation to support your younger daughter-why should SHE be going without because he's too selfish and you're too afraid of upsetting him.

Fourthly Talk to your GP abut getting some counselling-It isn't normal to allow a man to financially abuse you and your children and grandchild

Fifthy Stand in front of the mirror and practice phrases like
"I'm sorry but I don't feel it's appropriate you see your daughter here"

"I'm not fussed about a divorce -if you want one -you sort it out"

"My children deserve better"
"Talk to the CSA not me"

I bet if you stand up to him -or even talk about doing so your daughters will be cheering you on every inch of the way. It's what families DO !

Tiddlywinks

I not concerned that you didn't keep coming back and updating your threads, that's your choice. I'm more concerned that, despite asking for advice and getting lots of feedback, you don't seem to have moved forward in your life.

Your negative "it's all my fault and I'm useless" sort of response to our comments just now kind of shows that you need to take control and fight back. Don't just accept negative stuff when it comes your way - chuck it back!

Mortgage - speak to your lender - the reality is that you probably won't meet the lending criteria to get a mortgage on your own income as you say you only work 16 hours a week. It isn't as simple as just taking his name off the loan.

Can you go full time to increase your wage and so raise your income to a level where you could get a mortgage?

Will selling the house release much equity? Selling the house might actually be a blessing: you might be able to pay off the debts and your daughter and grandchild might be able to bid for a local authority property as they would then be homeless.

Debts - you took the credit cards out in your name which you know was a bad move. Legally, they are your responsibility so just suck it up, deal with it and move forward.

Child maintenance / access - your DD is 15 so the situation won't last forever. Go to the CSA and let them hassle him.

As to your OH seeing the kids - this is no longer your main concern. Your daughters are more that able enough to decide when or it they wish to maintain contact. STEP AWAY.

Divorce - Pay or don't pay, your choice. Base this on how much you want the divorce and whether you want to go for adultery as a reason. At the end of the day, the reason on the paperwork doesn't really matter. If you can wait then let your OH take the lead.

Action - Take control of what happens to you - stop being a victim!

What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation? I bet you wouldn't just say "hang around and roll with the punches" would you?

Just_Plain_Jane

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Divorce - Pay or don't pay, your choice. Base this on how much you want the divorce and whether you want to go for adultery as a reason. At the end of the day, the reason on the paperwork doesn't really matter. If you can wait then let your OH take the lead.

An important point to note here is that relatively few people will see your divorce papers and of those that do, you will only have to face one of them again and he knows what he's done. Please don't have any fear of your good name being dragged through the mud as it were, it's really not like that.

If you decide to let him start proceedings and he cites unreasonable behaviour as grounds for divorce, there's no need to dwell on it. You know the truth, just sign the papers and once your absolute is granted it's all in the past.

paddy's_mum

jsandra wrote: »

The debts are credit cards which were used to buy thing he wanted and money for him when he wanted extra to what we had but like an idiot I took them out in my name. If I knew then what I know now I would never had done it.

Oh - I can't tell you how fiercely I want to slap your legs before giving you a big hug and a cuppa!

I really think you need professional help. Your deep-seated martyrdom is your own biggest enemy and you truly don't seem to learn anything from your own experiences.

There were many things in your reply that I could have dissected in order to show you how pathetic and immature your thinking is. However, I quote the line above in particular because you don't appear to grasp that you are STILL, TO THIS DAY AND RIGHT UP TO THIS VERY MINUTE subsidising, financially supporting and paying out for all the things he wants and demands!

Can you not see that you are making everything so easy for him, as well as slogging to pay off what he, by law, should be paying? By what logic or rationale do you justify leaving plenty of money in his wallet to spend, no doubt, on the other woman while you scrimp and scrape, weep and wail, miserable to the point of wishing to die?

You are short-changing your younger daughter to the point where an onlooker could say that both her parents are tantamount to stealing from her - he by not paying and you by letting his obligations go by the board!

I strongly recommend that you see your GP and make it very plain that you are seeking therapy, not just a prescription for valium.

It seems to me that you have only two choices. You either carry on just as you are (confusing self preservation with selfishness :eek:) or you gather up all the courage, commonsense and support (family, friends, church?) you can lay hands on and come out of your corner fighting.

In your shoes, I wouldn't give the man even a fraction of a chance to hurt me and my girls ever again. I wish you luck.