He commits adultery yet everything seems to be against me!!

BitterAndTwisted

OP: have you ever considered some assertiveness training? Taking action, any action, can do absolute wonders for your self-esteem. It sounds like you need to find some way of impressing upon yourself that you are not a passive victim of circumstance. That you truly have the means to improve your life in your own hands, if only you could be helped to see it.

The time to be cowering in a corner, accepting what comes your way from this total @rse has passed. The more you tolerate it the worse it will make you feel and the more helpless you feel the more pain comes your way. Around and around and around.

It's time to stop licking your wounds and time to get angry and take action. Very, very angry indeed. Get up and fight! It's your mental well-being at stake here and that is so very precious, plus the example of what mature adult behaviour is that your are giving your girls.

You've been given a plan of action, so I suggest that you have a very close read if it and see which of them you can implement asap

System

You've had some excellent advice on here, and I really hope you follow it and start taking steps to get rid of this awful man. I don't know if you've thought of it in this way, but the way he is treating you is abusive - it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. There are just a few other things I wanted to comment on, from your update.

jsandra wrote: »

I dont know how to harden my heart , how to become selfish and put myself first. I know my marriage is over and dont want him back after all he has said and done but that doesnt stop me loving him and being soft stupid idiot me... My kids tell me how much better I am without him and that I am stronger and better than I was but I dont see it myself.

If you find this difficult, try not to think of it in that way. At the moment, you're not just not putting yourself first - you're actively putting him first. That means you're putting his needs above those of you, your two daughters, and your granddaughter. If you can think of it as "I'm going to put my family first" rather than "I'm going to put my (ex) husband first" it ceases to be in any way selfish and becomes a selfless act. Of course you should be putting yourself first, but if you really can't at the moment, it comes down to this question: Who is more important to you - your children/grandchild or him? Maybe if you look at it that way, you'll find it easier to take the steps you need to take against him. You're not turning him away (hard-hearted in your view) but protecting them from being emotionally and financially damaged by him (soft-hearted).

jsandra wrote: »

I know if I said he couldnt come to the house to see the kids they wouldnt see him at all and then even though it would be their choice and his own fault it would be me upset and feeling guilty. They both have mobile and when he first left he used to call and text them but doesnt bother anymore.

If your children don't want him around at all, that is his fault and not yours. I appreciate that you struggle with accepting this (emotionally) so again, trying to help you see things in a different light so you can start taking steps, I want to put another spin on it for you.

By doing all these things to ensure that dad and daughters maintain a relationship, you're keeping any issues between them buried. If you continue doing this until the children are adults and completely able to make their own decisions (i.e. moved out) they may well choose to end all contact with dad whatsoever - he's never made an effort, and they no longer have you to keep them involved in the relationship.

But if you step back and let dad and daughters figure things out on their own, one of two things will happen:

1. Dad will continue to make no effort, daughters will remain disillusioned, relationship dies. If this is the case, it would have happened at some point, regardless of what you do.
2. Dad will realise just how rubbish he is, and start making an effort to repair his relationship with his children. If this happens, there is a possibility that he will be successful and your children will, at some point, forgive him.

In this light, can you see how you constantly managing their relationship is more damaging in the long-term than positive? Again, if you can try to think of it in this way, maybe you'll find it easier to stay out of the situation and let him figure things out on his own.

jsandra wrote: »

I keep my front door locked now with key in it so he cant just walk in on us when he feels like it.

This is a fantastic step, and well done for taking it. You can do all this, but you need to be the one to bring about the changes in your life. No-one else can do it for you, no matter how much we want to. If you do feel that you need additional support, the advice to go to your GP and insist on counselling is sensible. And, of course, everyone on this forum would be absolutely thrilled to support you on this scary (but ultimately liberating) journey.

BitterAndTwisted

What would I do to make a start?

Get Excel up and start two new sheets: the first one for the mortgage. Figure out what the current value is and deduct the amount of the mortgage outstanding. That's your equity. Now deduct every single penny he hasn't contributed to the mortgage payments and keep a running-total so you refresh it every month.

The second spread-sheet is the child-support. Calculate what 20% of his pay is every month since he bailed and deduct from that what payments he has made. This should give you the running-total of what he owes you there.

The combination of the two figures is the starting-point for your financial settlement.

In addition, I would start a third page and then go through all of your credit-card statements and enter in every single thing that's been charged to it that was not a jointly-purchased for the benefit of everyone in the family. It might just be pie-in-the-sky to believe that you'll get anything from him in the settlement but it will make you feel even more determined to get this monkey off your back.

Consider this: it could be to your own benefit in the long-term to not have ownership of this property, depending on how much equity there is in it. You have three years of responsibility to provide a roof over your youngest daughter's head. If you were in rented accommodation and still only able to get 16 hours of work a week you could receive a decent contribution towards your rent via Local Housing Allowance, depending on how much you had in savings, if any. This might leave you in a much better financial position than you are in at the moment. Sincere apologies to all the tax-payers reading this.

Taking action, any action at all, is extremely good for your self-esteem and could provide you with the resolve to sort out this unholy mess and help you to heal the terrible wounds that have been inflicted upon you.

I also echo the other advice given that if this total scumbag wants a divorce then he should be the one to pay for it, not you.

angelsmomma

Can I just say that if its all too much bother for you to call the CSA do it online. I did that and put in as much information about him (there are boxes to fill in for it) I then pressed send. Done and dusted.

They wrote to him without even contacting me again and a couple of months later I had the award notice. It does take time but you won't be doing anything, they will be dealing with him.

This was a few years ago and it has made it so much easier as we now never have to discuss money at all, it goes out of his wages straight to them, then into my account.

Lea74

I understand what you are going through. My ex had an affair and left me for another woman which he has now married. We were together 22 years and married for 14years.

What i would say is firstly look after you. This is going to be hard and it will take time, but you know what you will be okay.

Two years ago someone told me that when my ex left and I didnt believe them. But you know what I am fine. I am independant, I have a job that I love and I am financially supporting my sons all on my own. I pay my own mortgage, I can mend a fence, change a light bulb, organise my MOT and the list goes on. It may not sound like much to some but for me it has been an enlightening time.

Firstly I totally agree get ride of your solicitor. There is nothing wrong with shopping around for one you feel comfortable with. I went through two and my second one was fantastic. The first thing she asked me was 'What did I want?' I couldnt beleive it that I was being asked that question - she was actually thinking about me. They are not all terrible and mine was fantastic.

Try the CSA, if you dont get any joy there, try another branch. Also there is an organisaiton called Gingerbread that is fantastic and really good for single parents.

The only other thing I can say is take your time, make decisions when you are not emotional and dont let anyone bully you into anything. You have been given some great advise, just take your time while you work through it all. (Also is he wants the divorce let him do all the work.)

If you are struggling financially chat to your debtors, I have found that they are fantastic and will listen and help in certain situations.

I wish you all the best, and you will be okay.

jsandra

Thanks for all the comments. I have spent a lot of time today reading the posts and thinking about what has been said and I feel a bit better about things.I have sat and made lists about things over the last 3 years to see the difference before he left, just after and now and I can see I have accomplished a lot on my own and just not realised it!:)
I am paying my own bills even though I am only making a very tiny dent in the credit cards. I have no arrears, nothing paid late, no arranging to pay smaller amounts. I may not have a lot spare but my youngest still gets to do her clubs (with the help of a local charity grant. bless them x) which she enjoys and is good at and wants to make her future based on them! They dont get the extra presents they used to but they know we love and have each other and that is what counts:). My gradndaughter is growing up happy and I am not the one missing out on that!!! I can manage the morgage payments I just dont earn enough to take it on in my own name. I know it is most likely we will get to stay in this house till she finishes school end of the year she 18. Hopefully I might have a job with more hours by then and can take it on and maybe do a deal with his pension. My youngest is intending on going to uni so I will have to make sure he contributes to that. 3 years is a long time who knows what is going to happen 3 years ago I would never have dreamt I would go through all that I have!!! If we have to sell up and move we will still have each other and that is what counts.
My youngest went up town with her friends this aft and when she came back she had used her pocket money to buy me a surprise present a lovely book to read to cheer me up. Then this eve both me and my girls sat and watched Alvin and the Chipmonks shipwrecked together and had a good laugh and mess around it was such a brilliant eve:). I need to keep this in my head and my heart ALL THE TIME and not let him get me down. Whatever happens I will NOT be the one missing out on my girls xx
I will be reading all the posts again and again and I will get to do more and more of the things that you have all said. I will also make sure that everyday I write a diary of 3 good things that have happened each day to help me see life may not be as bad as I think it is at that time x

BitterAndTwisted

You go, girl!

System

All excellent steps, well done! :T

It takes a lot of courage to pick yourself up and move on, but your life will be so much better once you do it, and one day you'll wake up and realise you're not sad about him anymore!

duchy

If you are managing on what you get now -just think what three years of CSA payments would add up to.

He will have NO obligation legally to support your daughter at university but he does have a legal obligation to support her until the end of her A levels so if you claim what he is legally obligated to pay for her now and save it -you'll have it covered without having to ask him or fight for it. In three years a lot can happen -he could be remarried-redundant -have a baby with someone else or even have left the country-Why leave it to chance ?

Also be aware CSA is not backdated -you can only claim from the first date the CSA contact him. You've literally lost your daughter thousands that could have supported her through education already-are you going to lose her thousands more by not claiming -and then find at 18 he refuses to support her. You'll have no comeback on unclaimed child support at that point. This is your daughter's future you're putting at risk.

You owe this man nothing-he's happy to lie to you (telling you he doesn't have to pay child support until you are divorced) to avoid fulfilling his legal and moral obligation to your daughter. Why are you putting his needs and wants above your daughter's ? Think about it-and do the logical and morally correct thing by your daughter -please !!!

Caroline_a

Well done you!! Agree with what the others have said, but just to make it clear, CSA is for your daughter, not for you. Make that your priority!!