Couples Living Together

MandM90

I would have a clear agreement of who will do what, and when, and work out your household expenditure and arrange direct debits coming out of your individual accounts into a household account for them to be paid from.

Unfortunately I was the messy in our relationship but I found the easiest thing was to have an agreement that I would do A, B and C and not have to worry about X, Y or Z. If you genuinely don't notice that something needs dusting/cleaning/ironing it won't get done unless it is agreed that you so it at certain times.

Like others have said, keep some time for yourself and try to approach issues as they come up. If he does something annoying try and tolerate it. If it's intolerable bring it up (in a gentle way) and try to find a resolution rather than putting up with it and exploding one day.

Good luck.

time2deal

Mado wrote: »

I'm sorry but if it indeed stresses him, why can't he do the tidying up?:think:
It would stress me to think I have to place his priorities before mine.

I think the answer to that is that people resent having to clean up after others, and why can't the other person be more considerate!

But that is the heart of it, people's expectations vary, and you need to be flexible. I think it's interesting that everyone focusses on chores, but the reality is that they if they become a constant minor irritant, it can undermine the love and happiness you had that brought you together. So I think that's why it's a practical thing to consider.

Everyone have different approaches. For example, I quite like ironing, I find it a soothing Sunday evening activity - but I HATE the rest of the laundry process! So we share that step a bit more. Still not enough IMHO, but enough to keep me happy. He does rubbish related stuff, and the garden. I pay the cleaner. :rotfl: In recent months he has also worked out that the dishwasher can be loaded and started... although I am keeping the ‘how to empty the dishwasher’ lesson for later in married life!

So it’s a combination of tolerance, agreement, not getting grumpy over small things, accepting that you will probably do more than your ‘share’.

If you worry about money, then that's another issue, but I can't advise on that. Our situation is complex, but it works for us.

Mojisola

MandM90 wrote: »

I would have a clear agreement of who will do what, and when, and work out your household expenditure and arrange direct debits coming out of your individual accounts into a household account for them to be paid from.

Unfortunately I was the messy in our relationship but I found the easiest thing was to have an agreement that I would do A, B and C and not have to worry about X, Y or Z. If you genuinely don't notice that something needs dusting/cleaning/ironing it won't get done unless it is agreed that you so it at certain times.

Like others have said, keep some time for yourself and try to approach issues as they come up. If he does something annoying try and tolerate it. If it's intolerable bring it up (in a gentle way) and try to find a resolution rather than putting up with it and exploding one day.

And don't be upset if he has to have a word with you because something you're doing is driving him bonkers!

BugglyB

I think theres lots of great advice on here. One thing I would say is do nice little things for each other. Be generous with your time and affection.

Tish_P

Keep some of your time together special. You may not need to go so far as having an Obama style "date night" but when you live in the same place and no longer have to make an effort to visit one another, you can forget after a while to enjoy each other's company.

I recently read a tip about making sure the first 90 seconds you spend with your partner, EVERY time you see them, should be pleasant and welcoming - you both put down the wooden spoon or close the laptop and smile and kiss and ask how each other's day went or whatever. I'm trying it and it makes a difference.

krlyr

ElleR wrote: »

How exciting! I couldn't wait to move in with my bf all those years ago.

We've found being flexible helps. We split up the chores but after a while found some things weren't working so re-evaluated and changed things around. Even now we can't remember when or even why we swapped washing and drying up! But it works for us this way now. I had an odd day off a few weeks ago to use up leave and did his chores for him. It meant we had more time together in the evening so a win-win!

Also don't forget to mix things up a bit. It's easy to get bogged down in the routine. Even when going to the pub on a Friday night becomes routine! And definately as others have said, give each other space. Some evenings we sit in front of the TV/laptop/books and hardly speak to each other. As long as everyone's happy that's all that matters, even if it means ignoring all the advise everyone is giving you. Do what works for you as a couple.

I agree, do what works for you. We have a few set chores and one of them is OH doing the laundry - goes against the stereotype, but it works for us. He has a work uniform that needs to be washed at certain times, so it saves me accidentally washing it too soon and leaving him without trousers mid-week, whereas I have a lax workwear policy and can wear whatever. Not to mention an endless wardrobe which means I could probably do the washing once a month and still have plenty of clean clothes left over to wear :rotfl: OH, however, has little experience/knowledge of cooking so I do that. I do the hoovering, because the dogs shed a lot and they were originally my dogs, and OH does the washing up of plates etc. as he feels it's fairer when I've just spent 30/45/60 minutes cooking. But there are days that I'm free, the washing machine is empty, and the weather is lovely, so I'll stick a load of washing in, or I may be running late from my evening class so he'll start cooking the pasta and defrost a batch of bolognese so we're not eating too late. Or he's knackered from a long day at work so I do the washing up to save him the job, or I'm short of time when we're expecting guests so ask him to whizz the hoover around.
Give and take, it'll take a while for you to fall into a comfortable routine but don't be stubborn or expect him to be pyschic, discuss things together. When we first moved in, OH mentioned my habit of leaving clothes draped on the floor in the general vicinity of the laundry basket, so I made an effort to put them away properly, and in turn I asked him not to hang his work clothes over the end of the bed (narrow gap between the wall and bed so I was constantly knocking clothes down when I walked around to my side). It doesn't cause an argument to disagree, as someone else said, don't put up with stuff just because you think that you should be all loved up and perfect.
Personally, we found that we just clicked. Both have a very similar mindset in terms of money, what's fair in a relationship (especially as there is a difference in income, but it's never caused any problems), and we moved in after just 4 months of dating, never had an argument to date, and bought a place together last year. But a couple that OH is friends with are constantly arguing, they're a bit famous for it amongst all their friends, yet they're planning to buy a place together in the near future - so it goes to show that there's no rule about how you should act.
I hope it goes well, you sound like you've been very practical about it all so you should be fine

CupOfChai

Thank you so much everyone. You've all had a lot of wise words for us there, some of which I know I had been thinking about, and some other things to consider too. I think the points about making sure you still spend proper time together and don't get stuck in a rut were quite interesting, as it's not the sort of thing you'd immediately think of as being something to consider whereas bills and chores are more so. Hoping this helps anyone else who might be or have recently been in our positions as well.

I hope it goes well too, haha! I am sure we will drive each other bonkers in a glorious variety of ways, but I think and hope we might be able to make it work as well.

Is it normal to find it all quite scary, even though you want to do it?

coinxoperated

Just do it. Don't be insane. Share money and make sure he's happy with it. Watch your !!! in all circumstances and if you see a bill with any red on it that he was supposed to sort, leave.

I lived with a guy for 5 years - 2 years great - 3 years wondering what was wrong. Things change overtime sometimes.

Hopefully all will go well. You will argue. Never kick him out, he should never kick you out. It's a shared home.

If its meant to work it will, of it isn't, it won't! Don't sweat too much!

Oh and men NEVER know what a woman's type of 'clean' means - so don't expect shiny. good luck!!

scooby088

My advice to your boyfriend is to develop selective hearing and respondto the things he likes and ignore the things he doesn't:rotfl:

PasturesNew

Rent a flat for 6 months at a time, taking it in turns to pay the full 6 months up front - with the agreement that if you fall out, the one that didn't pay that 6 months is the one to move out .... that way, if you do fall out, you know who is going to move out and the one left behind knows the rent's paid.