Couples Living Together

FBaby

gfplux wrote: »

You will expect to be able to change him (slowly)
He will expect you never to change.

Oh so so true best words of wisdom!

Seanymph

Let go of the importance of being right.

Sometimes it's better to quietly know you are right, and watch someone else fall in several days later than to point it out to them.

I don't think I learnt that until I got teenagers - but the rules are similar - pick your battles, something may annoy the hell out of you, but if it's not something that needs to change then let it go.

You can effect change in many ways - not all head on and confrontative.

Always approach things from the point of view that if he understood he'd want to please you, you just have to educate him gently into it - because resentment will make him lose that want.

I let a lot go now that 15 years ago would have caused a row - but generally by the next day it doesn't matter, and if it does then we talk about it calmly. Much more gets done, and it's all more equitable.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

I think the second sentence explains why you don't understand the focus. If you've ever lived with someone who does see/won't do what's necessary you'll know that it can break a relationship.

That'sassuming I don't respect how important it is for my partner that the houses spotless. That is not the caDr but it is not about chores it is about me understanding that if the living room is not hoovered every day it stresses him and for him to respect that with my very busy lifestyle I can't always prioritise tidying. It was just a question of open-mindless and patience to adjust and adapt our ways tI eachother.

Froom2

I'd say it's pretty important that you don't expect things to be smooth - even with the preparation you're quite wisely doing (I wish I'd done this with my OH!!)

It might sound pessimistic, but expect to have arguments. Tbh, it's my opinion that the odd argument is relatively healthy. But if you expect it to all be happy smiley all the time then you might have a shock coming

Good luck with moving in though, I think it's really great that you're making sure you talk things through first!

~Froom~

LandyAndy

Froom2 wrote: »

I'd say it's pretty important that you don't expect things to be smooth - even with the preparation you're quite wisely doing (I wish I'd done this with my OH!!)

It might sound pessimistic, but expect to have arguments. Tbh, it's my opinion that the odd argument is relatively healthy. But if you expect it to all be happy smiley all the time then you might have a shock coming

Good luck with moving in though, I think it's really great that you're making sure you talk things through first!

~Froom~

:T Spot on.:)

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

That'sassuming I don't respect how important it is for my partner that the houses spotless. That is not the caDr but it is not about chores it is about me understanding that if the living room is not hoovered every day it stresses him and for him to respect that with my very busy lifestyle I can't always prioritise tidying. It was just a question of open-mindless and patience to adjust and adapt our ways tI eachother.

There's a lot of wisdom in that sentence!

I think you're fortunate that he is happy to clean because that's the way he likes it. Problems occur when one person is left with all the housework and isn't happy doing it.

Dunroamin

FBaby wrote: »

That'sassuming I don't respect how important it is for my partner that the houses spotless. That is not the caDr but it is not about chores it is about me understanding that if the living room is not hoovered every day it stresses him and for him to respect that with my very busy lifestyle I can't always prioritise tidying. It was just a question of open-mindless and patience to adjust and adapt our ways tI eachother.

Are you saying that he's fussy about tidiness /cleanliness but he expects you to do it?

hazyjo

The only advice you need is START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON!

I'm fed up with friends/my sister moaning about their other halves not doing whatever. Erm, did they ever? No. They've always done it for them.

Things like the ironing will pile up far quicker than you could ever imagine. I tend to hang mine and iron something when I need it. Often I'm rushing round like a loon in the morning ironing something for work, but that's the way I work. Most of my tops don't need ironing as I wear a lot of sheer type things. I swear my hubby seems to get through about 20 t-shirts a week, plus shirts for work. I have no idea where it all comes from! The washing is endless too. The best thing I find is for each person to do their own ironing. They'll think twice then about wearing something for half hour and shoving it in the wash. I used to do all the ironing, but have given up on that one. Just not enough hours in the day as the last thing I feel like doing after being out of the house for nearly 12 hours is ironing!

If something has wound you up, say so. But don't expect your way to be the right way. Expect the same in reverse. You will no doubt be criticised for things you're not aware you do or that they annoy other people. We all tend to get defensive when that happens, so just make sure you hold your tongue and listen. The other person wouldn't be saying it if they didn't feel the need to get it off their chest.

When (not if lol) you have an argument, stick to the one issue you're arguing about. Do not drag up every other thing that's bothering you, or that you argued about 3 years ago. You've probably been together a while so know all this, but it is different living with someone as you can't just walk away or have space.

Always handy to have a 'kitty'. Just a tin for change, pound coins, whatever. You will no doubt want takeaways, bits from the corner shop... it's nice to just dip into the spare cash for things like that. Everything else should IMO come out of a joint account. It's definitely nice to have your own money too. I've always kept my account but had all the bills, shopping, etc come out of the joint one.

Jx

ElleR

How exciting! I couldn't wait to move in with my bf all those years ago.

We've found being flexible helps. We split up the chores but after a while found some things weren't working so re-evaluated and changed things around. Even now we can't remember when or even why we swapped washing and drying up! But it works for us this way now. I had an odd day off a few weeks ago to use up leave and did his chores for him. It meant we had more time together in the evening so a win-win!

Also don't forget to mix things up a bit. It's easy to get bogged down in the routine. Even when going to the pub on a Friday night becomes routine! And definately as others have said, give each other space. Some evenings we sit in front of the TV/laptop/books and hardly speak to each other. As long as everyone's happy that's all that matters, even if it means ignoring all the advise everyone is giving you. Do what works for you as a couple.

Mado

FBaby wrote: »

That'sassuming I don't respect how important it is for my partner that the houses spotless. That is not the caDr but it is not about chores it is about me understanding that if the living room is not hoovered every day it stresses him and for him to respect that with my very busy lifestyle I can't always prioritise tidying. It was just a question of open-mindless and patience to adjust and adapt our ways tI eachother.

I'm sorry but if it indeed stresses him, why can't he do the tidying up?:think:
It would stress me to think I have to place his priorities before mine.