Daughters pregnant !

Muscle750

Yesterday we were told that our 19 year old daughter is 8 weeks pregnant, She has always struck us as been level headed and sensable until six months ago, she was at uni and without any warning annouced she was taking a year out and literally turned up on the doorstep, She has no income and hasnt done any work since seems the uni were happy for her to take a year out , anyway the boyfriend whose been on the scene approx two and a half years and lives 30 miles away who is a nice enough lad and pretty quiet would come over stay over for a day or so then she would go to his place (he still lives at home) and she would stay there a weekend or whatever. Anyway the last few weeks shes been very moody and pretty ill keep been sick etc , then yesterday i gets a txt message saying she couldnt face telling us face to face because she didnt know what our reaction would be.......................totally stunned in the first instance, then anger and realising what a total idiot theyve been, Speaking to her last night shes says shes keeping it, The boyfriend also has no job she has no income i really dont know where this is gonna end up. When they come and stay here the house is reduced to a tip within hours, she told us last night they will have to get a place of their own, i would imagine the only way this is going to happen is if they declare themselves homeless.
Sounds strange i know but weve never met his parents but believe me thats going to be soon put right seems his mother went totally balistic when they told them.
Our other daughter whose married is having a baby in sept and i really dont know what is going to happen, as my wife says you cant force her to do anythging shes 19 etc but i think shes making the biggest mistake ever i know these things happen and she was on the mini pill and had a implant which she had removed and it obviously all went Pete Tong. But to me neither of them are mature enough to be parents and the worrying thing is his brother whom ive never met also had a baby with his girlfriend and social services are involved.
Spare us a thought later we are all going out for a sunday dinner as it was my wifes birthday a few days ago certainly going to be somewhat "atmospheric". They are supposedly staying here tonight so can see fun and games this evening when everyone else has gone back home after our sunday outing
I really dont know where to start any advice gratefully recieved

Dunroamin

They don't need to be declared homeless, they can rent privately and claim LHA/HB. All you can do is be around to pick up the pieces emotionally when/if it all goes wrong.

Penny-Pincher!!

Just to send a hug really. Remember she is 19, so an adult in the eyes of the law and her actions have had a big consequence. Discus options available to her and then although its difficult, back off and let her decide on her future.

I was married at 19 and had DD at 20, but we had been together since age 14 and were both working etc.

PP
xx

kymrob

just quick reply based on my life not quite the same but..... i was pregnant at sixteen didnt tell no-one parents found out at 8 months, they just cared what people thought not about me kicked me out of home.
21 years on i have the most amazing caring daughter ever, not one day i have regreted this, i/we had nothing then i was classed as homeless lived in a b and b, been with husband for over 22 years we r now morgtage free both under 40. one thing that suffered was my relationship with my parents as i feel mistreated uncared for when i needed them the most they just didnt help i just needed a hug please if u only do one thing show her love!! its not the end of the world.

whitewing

I think you need to take an absolutely enormous deep breath, accept that it has to be your daughter's decision and consequences and help her. It doesn't mean you have to agree for her to have the baby or not, just make your point in a kindly fashion. She can have a great future with a baby and the father, with the baby and a non-romatic relationship with the father, without the baby, etc etc etc. There will be pluses and minuses with every possible scenario.

How you and your wife react will shape how successful your relationship with your daughter will be for many, many years to come. I really don't mean to keep quiet about your feelings (silence can be so emotionally blackmailing) but take your time to discuss things and think about it rather than blasting into your daughter and her boyfriend.

And really do try to put it aside while you have the meal. Don't forever link any negativity to your wife's birthday. Enjoying a birthday celebration doesn't mean you are avoiding issues, just that you are working together for a common goal.

YORKSHIRELASS

It doesnt have to be the end of the world. I met my husband when I was 18, engaged at 21, married at 23, first child at 24 and second at 26.

Although I look back now and cant believe how young and naive I was when I got married we are still together now, both aged 40 and very happy. I also managed to get decent qualifications and have a career.

Has your daughter really thought this through? Do they have plans for where they are going to live, how they are going to support themselves and a child? These are the sort of questions I would be asking. I guess the hardest thing as a parent is when your children make decisions about their lives that you dont agree with but she is an adult now and I would try and maintain a good relationship with her if you can.

Hope things go OK for you all.

duchy

If she wants to keep the baby there's not much you can do except emotionally support that decision. Ask the practical questions -do your homework first-rent costs-what state support they can expect-and encourage her to return to a nearby uni to continue her education whilst baby is small enough for a uni nursery so that she has options later on whatever happens.

j.e.j.

Hope it goes ok later today, OP. I know it's a shock, and far from an ideal situation, but it might just be that uni/being a career woman didn't suit your daughter and she wants to be a mother?

If she sees that you are happy about her sister's pregnancy, yet very unhappy about hers, almost implying it might be better if she got rid of it (?), she is going to be very upset and resentful.

Good luck with it all, sounds like it's a worrying time for you.

mrcow

You can't change what's happened. And you can't make up people's minds for them.

All you can manage is your relatonship with your daughters. You need to be supportive of their wishes at this point. They could end up resenting you for years to come if you don't. They are both adults and are big enough to make their own mistakes.

As for them not being mature enough to be parents, all the more reason for you to be there when they need you the most.

Muscle750

Thanks for all the messages, we were married at 21 and 4 grown up kids later and 29 years of marriage were still here its just a massive bolt out the blue.

budget_babe

kymrob wrote: »

just quick reply based on my life not quite the same but..... i was pregnant at sixteen didnt tell no-one parents found out at 8 months, they just cared what people thought not about me kicked me out of home.
21 years on i have the most amazing caring daughter ever, not one day i have regreted this, i/we had nothing then i was classed as homeless lived in a b and b, been with husband for over 22 years we r now morgtage free both under 40. one thing that suffered was my relationship with my parents as i feel mistreated uncared for when i needed them the most they just didnt help i just needed a hug please if u only do one thing show her love!! its not the end of the world.

That statement has really touched me, says it all really in the end it comes down to love, everything else in the end gets sorted out.

Your daughter may not be living the life you had forseen for her, but as this poster has shown being pregnant at a young age doesn't have to be the end of the world.

The saddest thing is that as this poster says she felt mistreated and uncared for when she needed her parents the most. Thats very sad and pain that deep rarely heals completely.

Just show your daughter that you love her, it seems she has made up her mind on what her future path will be, if this is the case you cannot change her mind, but you could change the way she feels about you. I am sure that you love her dearly, just be there for her.

Yes the situation is not ideal, but in life it rarely is.

Take care.
Budgie x