Is this normal?

balletshoes

January20 wrote: »

It's a very British things to have cards for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and especially sympathy cards (!!!) spread around a house! Back home, we would get a card, read it and put it away! Just because they live in the UK doesn't mean they will follow the customs and you shouldn't assume anything or judge them because of it. I certainly wouldn't have sympathy cards around my living room!

I have to agree with this - I'm Scottish, and any time there are cards come home (birthday, christmas, condolence etc etc) I read them and then put them in a pile out of the way. I haven't displayed cards for donkeys years.

Four_leaf_clover_2

cazmcf wrote: »

So I sent her a txt and it is true. She told me the father had died the week before and was cremated on the thurs, 2 days before the sleepover!

I find the whole thing very strange, they are eastern european. Is this they're way of dealing with grief?

We all handle grief in different ways. I think what you saw in their behaviour, was an incredibly strong show of holding it together, mixed with being in alot of shock at recent events. It was probably a relief for them to be around people they know and like and feel comfy with, away from the house where there are so many memories.

Eastern European people that I know are very private. I expec they do much of their grieving behind closed doors. I must admit when you said about them moving and the dad not working it rang alarm bells to me that not all was okay. They might have known for sometime that he was very ill and so his death may not have come as a surprise. If someone has been very ill then initially you can feel relief that their pain and suffering is over for them. The sadness and grief can take time to hit you.

I would not discourage your daughter from seeing her friend or cut off from the mum. Now is the time when they need people the most.

January20

balletshoes wrote: »

I have to agree with this - I'm Scottish, and any time there are cards come home (birthday, christmas, condolence etc etc) I read them and then put them in a pile out of the way. I haven't displayed cards for donkeys years.

Ooops! perhaps I should have said it's a very English thing then, as I've only got experience of living in England!

the_pink_panther_2

I am 'Eastern European' but if a member of my family had just died I would have been devastated. In fact a month ago this is what happened. I went to the funeral in Eastern Europe, I thought that they were incredibly respectful of the dead, the church was so packed out that people had to stand. I have been to many cemeteries there and graves are incredibly well taken care of, so my point is I really doubt that this is just the way we 'Eastern Europeans' deal with death. All I can say is that it sounds as though there is a lot you don't know about the circumstances here so it would be unfair to judge on the basis of such limited knowledge of this situation. It's unlikely that both mother and daughter would have carried on as though nothing had happened without there being more to the story than this.

Beckyy

There is no right or wrong way to handle a death. I would let your daughter have her friend sleepover - maybe the mum needs a bit of time to herself to grieve and doesn't want her daughter to be affected by it.

duchy

I wouldn't dream of displaying sympathy cards -they aren't birthday or Christmas cards.

I also think that when dealing with a bereavement it's often hard enough in your own language-how much harder to be trying to talk about it in another language. Everyone reacts differently -some people grind to a halt-others carry on regardless and cry alone, The thing I did learn was who out of my friends was uncomfortable with death and who was really there for me-not with empty words but with actions.

Dunroamin

the_pink_panther wrote: »

I am 'Eastern European' but if a member of my family had just died I would have been devastated..

I don't know why you would assume that this family aren't devastated.

jellyhead

Maybe she wanted her daughter to be able to play with your daughter without all the sadness of talking about her father? I think if I was bereaved I'd want my children to be able to do as many normal things as possible.

FatVonD

An old friend of mine died last month, it was anticipated as she'd been battling cancer for 4 years. I was expecting the funeral to be heartbreaking as she left 3 children, the youngest of whom was 13. I was amazed on the day that her kids were so upbeat and laughing with their friends but they had done the worst of their grieving already both with their mum in her last days and immediately after her death but it's nobody else's place to comment on how they are dealing with it. The rest of us had the luxury of feeling a bit sad but getting on with our own lives while booking in a morning for the funeral when we'd reflect and be upset but they had been dealing with it for 4 years.

Tiddlywinks

FatVonD wrote: »

...... The rest of us had the luxury of feeling a bit sad but getting on with our own lives while booking in a morning for the funeral when we'd reflect and be upset but they had been dealing with it for 4 years.

That's exactly it... when my mum was at home dying, friends came to visit and have a chat and then went off back to their daily lives of Christmas shopping and looking forward to the holidays. I closed the door when they left and stayed living in our 'bubble' which focussed only on trying to make mum as comfy as possible, wondering if she needed help with pain, trying to help her make the most of the short time left and, yes, waiting for her to die.

It is a horrible, numbing situation where time can stand still for the carers - you put life on hold... If I had been the OP's friend (with a terminally ill husband upstairs) I would have welcomed the chance for my daughter to go out and have some normality and I wouldn't have wanted to discuss his illness too much in front of my daughter - especially to someone who would be finding out for the first time and so might ask difficult questions.

Now her husband is dead, this mum should be allowed to do what is best for her family - this isn't a juicy plot on Eastenders to be chatted about at the school gates, this is a nightmare for one small family unit that is trying to live with a huge hole left by their loss. Be a friend and just let them have some fun when they can - is that so much to ask?