Is this normal?

lostinrates

I am not a parent...so my thoughts might be worthless but....i think i would be concern that this would raise questions for my child that i would want to answer, being aware would have helped me do that and help my child be a good friend when her friend needs her to be.

I think i might also be concerned that playing for a long stay (i.e. overnight not just the day/afternoon) would be a burden at a time when they might already be stretched til taut, and that things might start to stretch at the seams while my child were there.

I can understand though the friend might want t keep her mother near by, even if coping well.

The thing that falls apart for me in all of this is how unprofessionally the school have behaved. That would create the bigger longer term worry for me in all of this.

System

Grief is grief no matter how you handle it. I remember when my daughter died i cried so much but always in private. As i soon sensed my husband couldnt cope with my grief so i learned to put on this tough exterior. My Mother was too upset as she had lost her first Grandchild to console me.

Then 4 months later my Dad took ill and was dead in 24 hours. The crying stopped. I think i was in shock, two deaths in 4 months. From that day to that i was never able to cry for either the loss of my daughter or my beloved Father. I wanted to but the tears wouldnt come.

On the exterior i looked as if i was coping but inside, this 18 year old girl wanted to run and hide.

pinkclouds

coolcait wrote: »

For the people who wouldn't let their child go for a sleepover to the other family's house in this situation.

Why not?

You expect people to react a certain way and it throws you a little bit when they don't follow the script. Also, I don't like surprises - they upset me and make me anxious.

Last time OP saw the family, the dad must have been dying in bed (creepy, morbid thought), which was glossed over, and now he's dead, again hidden news. It makes you feel a bit... mixed up. I suspect I'd also be discretely grilling daughter on whether she was told anything and paranoidly speculating to myself as to why the school asked *me* to check up on the death rumour. What was the text message thing? "Hi Jane, how's John?" "We cremated him last Thursday. Drop your kid off for a sleepover?" It's just... uh-huh.

Stuff the sleepovers. I'd spend all my time wondering if the friend is going to cry all night or why the mother pretended nothing had happened and whether she'll snap/crumble unexpectedly. Whoever actually attended the funeral will be helping the family with their "loss", instead of people who were kept in the dark and will presumably be considered as intruding. If the OP is feeling a bit weirded out then seeing that family now will just be a case of foot-in-mouth. If there's nothing to explain bar the personal grief process then things will return to normal soon enough. Maybe the kids will chat to each other and daughter will reassure OP.

Dunroamin

pinkclouds wrote: »

You expect people to react a certain way and it throws you a little bit when they don't follow the script. Also, I don't like surprises - they upset me and make me anxious.

Someone else's grief shouldn't be all about you and your reaction. In fact, your reaction is totally unimportant so why introduce it?

LadyMorticia

If he had a terminal illness, then the mum and the daughter could have already prepared themselves for his death so it was alot less harder as they knew it was going to happen.

Also, people handle grief in different ways. Some people shut all doors and lock themselves away. Some people are shocked and go into denial. Some people put on a brave face like nothing has happened. It really depends on the individual person.

Eton_Rifle

londonsurrey wrote: »

The other thing is that society in general (i.e. those who haven't really thought about it) expect "pretty grief", which is genteel and quiet. A nice subdued manner, damp eyes, grateful acceptance of the sympathetic glances and inane comments from those who deign to visit you for all of five minutes, to put their consciences at rest.

REAL grief is heartwrenching. It's big, it's all encompassing, it's ugly, it's loud, it's snot on a grand scale.
People don't like that.

... unless it's a nationally recognised disaster, in which case you get carte blanche to grieve as publicly as you wish for as long as you like because your loss is somehow greater than anyone else's.
It's an odd phenomenon of our society.

londonsurrey

Eton_Rifle wrote: »

... unless it's a nationally recognised disaster, in which case you get carte blanche to grieve as publicly as you wish for as long as you like because your loss is somehow greater than anyone else's.
It's an odd phenomenon of our society.

That is true. I think that this is because it's not the opinion of the grieving's nearest and dearest (who actually have to deal with getting wet with the ongoing snot) but because it's the opinion of the general public, who are only seeing it in handy 30 second slots of their choice, i.e. when they decide to pick up a daily rag or sit themselves down to watch the news with a nice cup of tea.

Having gorged themselves on the spectacle of the grief, they can then go off and shout at the dog, or goggle at the latest mini dramas within a televised talent show.

If they had to have the wailing and grieving individual in their house for above an hour, they'd start saying things to the effect, "Well, don't you think you should stop crying/feed yourself/wash yourself/stop expecting me to listen. After all, it's been a whole day/week/year/decade". The bottom line is, the real ongoing grief is suddenly not actually palatable to them. What they want is to rubberneck a soap opera with their digestive biscuits.

londonsurrey

I think that if the OP continues to not allow her daughter over for a sleepover, it will confirm to the mother that she was right not to tell the OP, as she'll think something along the lines of "It was fine until OP found out about my husband's death. Now she knows about the death, she won't allow her daughter over, and my daughter has lost her best friend, and at the worst possible time".

Although it's not the OP's daughter's fault, she's not being a very good best friend if she's not allowed to be there for her friend.

cazmcf

Just a big thank you for all your replies. I decided to wait until today to respond to give myself a chance to read and think about all your comments.

The reason I asked in here, is because I live in a narrow minded community. Of the few people that know about the this family they have all said 'oh thats very strange, I wouldn't let my child there' etc, etc. So I posted this in the hope to get a more open minded opinion. And I did, so thank you.

I feel I should defend the school a little. The teacher that phoned me had taught the other child and it was out of concern. They had no forwarding address, although looking back the mothers number hasn't changed, so? They wanted to make sure the family were ok.

I know a text in this situation seems ludacrus (sp), but there is a language barrier. I have tried speaking on the phone with the mum in the past and it's difficult, so we txt instead (in proper english, not txt language). It gives her the time to interpret it properly.

Looking back I think I should have a handeld it better.:(

I forgot to mention that I asked dd did she see the dad the day she was round there. She said no, but her friend had to leave a glass of water outside the bedroom door, but the dad never touched it. When I went to pick dd up, the kids were loud and playing. I would've thought that if your oh was sick you would try to keep the noise down?

The weekend of my dd's birthday the mum also asked if my dd could sleepover the next weekend! This was before I knew about the death in the family. I told her I couldn't afford to bring dd up and pick her up that weekend (60 mile round trip x2). She said she would get her friend to bring dd home. Personally there is no way this would happen, I don't know this friend.

There was also no sympathy cards in the house that weekend (3 days after the cremation) and the mother, daughter and son all stayed at seperate friends houses. As a mother I would want my children close.

I do feel terrible sorry for the family but still feel there's something not quite right.

PoorCharleyBear

there is no right and wrong way to grieve.
Everyone deals with it differently and i would just accept this woman dealt with it one way.
Perhaps she is trying not to upset her daughter more than necessary?

Not quite the same but my mother died a couple of weeks ago. I planned to take my 5 year old to the funeral...from the reactions you would think I was going to throw her to the lions.
I thought it was wrong to keep her away from her nanna, and she would see why we are all sad and maybe understand why I am not smiling much.
I felt this was the way for US to deal with it- others (in my family) had very strong views the other way. Even people brought up together deal with grief differently. Let this woman deal with it her way and perhaps a degree of normalacy is her way.