Is this normal?

poet123

I do think it odd, but if it had been an anticipated event, maybe they had done a lot of their grieving before the death. Sometimes it is a relief, a release, and if it was only a couple of days after the funeral when you saw them it is probable that the reality and finality of his death had yet to hit and that they were carrying on as normal.

I certainly wouldn't keep my child away, quite the reverse.

mcja

Grief is so personal they could just want it to be just that.I think you should be there for the family, and let them both know you are there for them. In the meantime maybe, have her daughter to yours and spoil her rotten. However much it may have been expected, and she may seem to be coping, a 9 year old little girl has just lost her daddy and a wife is now a widow.

Please let them deal with this as they want to and be there to support them, not judge them.

snozberry

There are no set in stone guidelines as to how one should behave following the death of a loved one. Expected or not she has a lot to process and may need to carry on as normal right now. It's not a nice time for her. You have no idea how she is coping behind closed doors.

I carried on as normal after the death of my mum as there were times then, and now, where I just did not want to talk about it. I didn't want the pitied looks of expression from everyone, the concerned sighs or words of comfort. I wanted to deal with it on my own terms. I suggest that you let her do the same.

There is nothing odd about her behaviour but there is about yours.

Btw, I'm English. Not that it matters.

londonsurrey

What the mother did is not what society expects generally, but society can go hang.

I was widowed very suddenly and relatively young. The morons that came crawling out of the woodwork!

There were umpteen people all wanting updates and to vent, all taking up my time, and the time of the very good friend who was fielding for me. It was all about them. False promises of help, people deciding that a widow was someone who had become brainless overnight and had to be told what to do, even the nerdy neighbour next door suddenly appeared and decided that this was the time to complain about the slamming doors that had been apparently bothering him for the last FIVE years!

Given my experience, I don't blame the woman if she decided that there was nothing useful that you could do, and that she wasn't up to explanation (and subsequent quite predictable conversation) number 248 to explain her husband's death. Nothing personal, just that her needs and those of her daughter were more important than a relatively irrelevant conversation.

sarymclary

As the mother of children who's father passed away when they were all of school age, perhaps I can put a different perspective on things for the OP?

It seems to be that the friendship here is between the children, not between you and DD's friend's mother. That would explain why she hadn't confided in you about the father's illness, or told you about his death. That may seem odd, but having experienced the death of a husband, it's a peculiar time in your life, and felt quite surreal for me at times.

Children are often very accepting of situations, and as the daughter is still relatively young, but can comprehend having a situation, such as the death of her father, being explained to her in simple terms, I can see how she would be able to just get on with things.

As a parent, in a turbulent time such as bereavement, the one thing you endeavour to do is to create a sense of 'normality', and encourage children to carry on with life. My husband died on a Wednesday, and I let my children stay off school until the following Monday to adjust. Admittedly, I did inform the schools before they returned, so that they could be ensured of suitable opportunity for 'time out', should it be needed, and so that they kept an eye on my children.

One of my son's friends, when aged 11, came round to knock for my son to play. They were playing in the garden, and I was hanging out the washing, when this little lad piped up and announced 'my mum died today!', like it was the most normal thing in the world. Fortunately, having dealt with my own children's reactions to their father's death (not screaming and wailing as you might imagine, but calmly, asking questions, and me reassuring them about what was going to happen now, etc.), I told this boy I was sorry to hear that sad news, and understood that he must feel sad, but that my son had experienced his father dying, so if he needed a chum who understood, then he was someone to talk to (I then primed son accordingly), and that as a family we were there for him if he needed us.

You mention this family is of Eastern European origin. Are they recent immigrants to the UK? Is there the chance that they've led a harder life before moving to the UK, so accept death as part of life more easily? I worked with a lady who had experienced dreadful horrors in the Serbia/Croation conflict, some of which she confided in me during a training/counselling session. It was shocking to imagine this young woman was carrying the scars, whilst having such a care-free and happy disposition the rest of the time.

I wouldn't be bothered about allowing DD to visit this friend. Perhaps having the opportunity to mix with her best friend will be beneficial to her, and if she hasn't appeared highly emotional so far, I can't see the harm. If you haven't told your DD already, I would mention it to her about the death of her father, and explain that her friend is being very brave, but is likely to feel sad at times, which is perfectly normal, but seeing her best friend will help to make her happy, and that's what friendship is all about.

Perhaps it would be kind for you to take around a cake to share, and a sympathy card, offering your condolences when dropping DD off. If the mother did feel the need to discuss things, that would be a nice way to offer, without applying any pressure, or appearing too prying.

Tiddlywinks

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

But I also find it strange that the school rang you to find out if it was true and that you sent her a 'text' to find out!!

whitewing wrote: »

How on earth do you word a text asking someone if their husband has died?

instead of questioning the other mum's behaviour I would be looking closer to home...

I agree with the other posters, to send a text to someone to 'check out' if she had lost her husband is beyond insensitive. What have we come to if people think that this is the way to go?

Anyway, why the hell is a school acting so unprofessionally as well? Breaching a confidence to discuss a pupil's private life? Completely unacceptable.

For the record, just because you smile does not mean you don't care about someone close to you dying. The mum probably wanted to give her daughter some normality. Why didn't she tell you straight away? Well, I guess your reactions so far sort of justify her wish to keep it to herself.

You (and the school) seem to see this as 'gossip' instead of the sad news of someone that may need friendly support - what a shame.

londonsurrey

The other thing is that society in general (i.e. those who haven't really thought about it) expect "pretty grief", which is genteel and quiet. A nice subdued manner, damp eyes, grateful acceptance of the sympathetic glances and inane comments from those who deign to visit you for all of five minutes, to put their consciences at rest.

REAL grief is heartwrenching. It's big, it's all encompassing, it's ugly, it's loud, it's snot on a grand scale.
People don't like that.
When faced with it, they want you to stop, to get better, to smile at them to reassure them, to get on with stuff, to feed yourself and your dependents, to make sure your children are happy and playing.

Can you see why it's easier to just cut to the chase, and get on with having your daughter carry on having sleepovers and stuff? People don't tend to want to deal with your real grief. Five minutes is about as long as they have to spare. After all, they have lives to be getting on with, so if the widow would just get with the programme, i.e. not expecting too much time from them, and get on with things, e.g. having sleepovers for the children.

mcja

I can't imagine how I would cope if I lost OH, and was left with 2 young children but I would like to think that we would do everything as normal as possible in the circumstances.

Please please look after this lady and her daughter. She really will need your support, and help at this awful time. If she is not from England she may not have family here. We are all capable of putting a brave face on when we have a sh!te day, and I am sure my sh!te says are nothing like hers.

raven83

I remember when both my parents died, my dad had been suffering for sometime and tbh when he finally died i felt relieved that he was free from suffering, i carried on fairly normal but i had had time to prepare for it. When my mum died less than 18 months later, that really hit me as it was sudden and i had not long had dd2, i felt for the first week bereft i couldn;t stop crying from the moment i went to bed to the moment i went to sleep, for a moment i even contemplated suicide (stupid i know) but what kept me going was my 1 year old and my 6 week old baby, only once the fuueral was over though i was determinded to put it behind me and try and move on for the sake of my girls. One of my friends at the time met up with me about a month after and because i had seemed in good spirits and not wanting to sit there and talk about my loss she thought i was being cold and apprently it upset her. That stuck with me and i wondered if i should of still be a wreck and it made me feel guilty for trying to put it behind me.

Fact of the matter under it all i was very upset and even now nearly 8 years on i still miss her terribly and i think about her everyday, but at the time for the sake of my children i didn't want them seeing me so sad and upset. So what i am saying is that people deal with things like this in their own way, just because someone isn't a blubbering wreck 24/7 or is wanting to talk about it doesn't mean they aren't hurting or that they don't care any less.

peachyprice

You won't let your daughter go visit because they're not grieving the way you think they should? How bizzare.