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Is this normal?

cazmcf
Posts: 273 Forumite


This is a long story but I will try and keep it short.
DD's (aged9) best friend's family moved 30 miles away to a better house. They gave up they're jobs and moved the children to different schools for this house, back in Feb. I let my dd go round to visit back in feb for a few hours. The mother showed me around the house and I asked was her husband working. She replied that he was in bed sick. I thought nothing of this.
2 weeks later and it's my dd's bday. I have organised to have the little girl over for a sleep over. That is fine. I meet the mother and daughter off the bus and arranged to leave them home the next day. The sleepover goes fine, I take the mother and daughter home the next day and I'm invited into the house as the girls wanted to show me something.
The next morning, the mum texts me to say her dd has left something at our house and would I mind meeting her as she is in town for a meeting at the bank. I meet her and give back the belongings.
That evening I get a phone call from my dd's school asking if I had heard that the father of this family had died! I said there is no way he could have died,as I had just seen the mother and daughter the last 3 days and they were absolutly fine, happy/ laughing.
But the teacher was adamant that the mother had told her old neighbours this and asked could I find out the truth.
So I sent her a txt and it is true. She told me the father had died the week before and was cremated on the thurs, 2 days before the sleepover!
I find the whole thing very strange, they are eastern european. Is this they're way of dealing with grief?
I'm also a little miffed as to why she wouldnt warn me that her dd may have got upset at the sleepover (she didn't by the way, she acted completely happy and normal).
Since then the mother keeps asking can my dd go to her house and sleep over. So far I've said no.
I just find the whole thing strange and wondered would you let your dd go there. I feel terribly guilty as she missed her best friend so much.
DD's (aged9) best friend's family moved 30 miles away to a better house. They gave up they're jobs and moved the children to different schools for this house, back in Feb. I let my dd go round to visit back in feb for a few hours. The mother showed me around the house and I asked was her husband working. She replied that he was in bed sick. I thought nothing of this.
2 weeks later and it's my dd's bday. I have organised to have the little girl over for a sleep over. That is fine. I meet the mother and daughter off the bus and arranged to leave them home the next day. The sleepover goes fine, I take the mother and daughter home the next day and I'm invited into the house as the girls wanted to show me something.
The next morning, the mum texts me to say her dd has left something at our house and would I mind meeting her as she is in town for a meeting at the bank. I meet her and give back the belongings.
That evening I get a phone call from my dd's school asking if I had heard that the father of this family had died! I said there is no way he could have died,as I had just seen the mother and daughter the last 3 days and they were absolutly fine, happy/ laughing.
But the teacher was adamant that the mother had told her old neighbours this and asked could I find out the truth.
So I sent her a txt and it is true. She told me the father had died the week before and was cremated on the thurs, 2 days before the sleepover!
I find the whole thing very strange, they are eastern european. Is this they're way of dealing with grief?
I'm also a little miffed as to why she wouldnt warn me that her dd may have got upset at the sleepover (she didn't by the way, she acted completely happy and normal).
Since then the mother keeps asking can my dd go to her house and sleep over. So far I've said no.
I just find the whole thing strange and wondered would you let your dd go there. I feel terribly guilty as she missed her best friend so much.
LBM 04/10:j
Debt was 16700
Debt was 16700
Debt free 04/13 :j
Owe mum 5100 12/16
Owe mum 5100 12/16

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Comments
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I cant think of a single reason why you are not allowing your little girl to go
I can give a hundred reasons why you should.
It's her way of dealing with it, she is obviously a very private person and didnt want anyone to know, its her choice.
Maybe you could take your little girl over and stay for a while. The mum may be glad of some company now that you know about it.make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
and we will never, ever return.0 -
I find it more than a bit strange that someone you know well wouldn't mention that their husband has died. Without knowing more details, it's hard to comment beyond the usual trite "grief shows many faces", etc.
My initial feelings are that the mother and daughter are relieved that the man has died. The kindest explanation would be that he had a life-limiting condition or a terminal illness and, being long prepared for his death, they are very thankful that it's come to an end.
I guess... I'd probably be happier to host the girl at your place for another sleepover rather than let your daughter visit her friend - for now, until you know a few more facts. But don't jump to any conclusions yet.0 -
Sounds to me like they may have been expecting his death. He was in bed sick when you went to the house the first time and then they seem to be coping very well with the death.
I can see that it seems very odd and that it is alien to a lot of people to seem "fine" after the death of someone very close to them. Without knowing the background, you don't know that he hadn't been ill for a long time. They may have even had counselling on how to deal with the illness and death.
If it had been going on for a long time, the daughter may not have seen anything unusual (hence not saying anything to your DD etc)
Personally, I don't see why your DD should lose a friend over this. Why not go for a visit to their house over the weekend? Support them. Be a friend, they may decide they want to talk about it. If they don't, don't let it bother you. I'm sure they will be touched at having someone care enough to be there for them.
Good luck x0 -
Sounds to me like they may have been expecting his death. He was in bed sick when you went to the house the first time and then they seem to be coping very well with the death.
I can see that it seems very odd and that it is alien to a lot of people to seem "fine" after the death of someone very close to them. Without knowing the background, you don't know that he hadn't been ill for a long time. They may have even had counselling on how to deal with the illness and death.
If it had been going on for a long time, the daughter may not have seen anything unusual (hence not saying anything to your DD etc)
Personally, I don't see why your DD should lose a friend over this. Why not go for a visit to their house over the weekend? Support them. Be a friend, they may decide they want to talk about it. If they don't, don't let it bother you. I'm sure they will be touched at having someone care enough to be there for them.
Good luck x
Nice thoughtful post there Rachel.
x
Anniemake the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
and we will never, ever return.0 -
No, your behaviour is not normal.
Refusing to allow your daughter to visit her friend, because you don't agree with the way she and her mother deal with bereavement?
Very odd indeed.
The school's behaviour is not normal either.
Phoning you, in the evening, to ask if you had heard that another pupil's father had died? Very odd. Asking you to find out 'the truth'? Beyond odd.
Your daughter is acting perfectly normally in wanting to see her friend. Maybe you should take your lead from her.0 -
I'm with you OP, I think it's extremely strange that someone you know well enough to keep in touch with and have kids sleepovers with would not mention that her husband had died. Yes I understand what the other posters are saying about people dealing with grief in different ways but she should have warned you that her DD might be upset, or even just told you that he had died and she didn't want to talk about it. Surely that is crucial information in a friendship?
I would have her DD over to my house but wouldn't send my DD over there for a sleepover for the time being.0 -
For the people who wouldn't let their child go for a sleepover to the other family's house in this situation.
Why not?0 -
Yes it is strange.
But I also find it strange that the school rang you to find out if it was true and that you sent her a 'text' to find out!!0 -
How on earth do you word a text asking someone if their husband has died?
I would imagine that he had some kind of illness that they knew about and therefore even the house move was planned for the long term.
I have known people who are "happy" in unimaginably tragic situations - a girl at work for example whose mother had a brain tumour. In her case, the girl was a put on her brightest lipstick and a smile to face the world. Sometimes it is just personality type; it doesn't mean that the person is not devastated at times, or has loved someone any less.:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0 -
So just because you wouldn't react in this way, and just because this is different to you, you're preventing your child from seeing her friend? Wrong, wrong, wrong.
A friend of mine's mum died; we were 15 at the time. It was expected, I had no idea she'd died, and we all met in town to go to the cinema - hours after her mother had passed away. She didn't want to think about it; she knew it was going to happen and wanted life to continue as normal. I didn't find out until that evening when she casually dropped it into conversation. But it was just 'she died'. It didn't hit her until weeks later.
So yes, for some people it is normal. I doubt their 'culture' has anything to do with it. Just because you think you wouldn't react that way, or just because it's alien to you, it's no reason to prevent your daughter seeing her friend - or you seeing her mother.
KiKi' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".0
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