Friends hubby caught being 'overly friendly' with another women. Should I mention it?

LouLou

paddy's_mum wrote: »

In my opinion, one of the most vicious sayings on this earth is 'no smoke without fire'.

So often, it is used to add a sense of truthfulness and integrity to what is basically spiteful gossip and/or retaliation for some minor slight that ought to have been dismissed as silly yonks ago.

My experience of life has been that people who say it think it makes them sound wise. It doesn't - it makes them sound condemning and malicious and having been a victim of it a time or two, and endured the hurt and damage that slander and innuendo can cause, I cannot hear that remark without wanting to protest against its use, let alone agree with it.

Rant over...!

I agree with that. "No smoke without fire" is quite a nasty saying, and gives malicious gossips (weak) justification for their own ends.

I've had it said about me, because I had gay friends, but the assumption was made because of "the company I kept". One woman was so obsessed by it, I began to wonder what on earth was going on in her head for it to matter so much!

Imagine the same scenario viewed by a stranger and simultaneously by very close friend. Each person could tell two very different stories; and most people tend to believe the worst. Making assumptions on so little, and for what purpose (you didn't say whether it was to protect your friend or just to "get it off your chest"? Why would your conscience bother you anyway?).

Please leave it alone and let your friend deal with her own personal life. How would you feel if a friend approached you with this news?

Sambucus_Nigra

You 'you were seen touching up with woman with red hair'
Him 'OMG no I wasn't how could you you beetch'
You 'you were seen yada yada yada - you need to stop or I'm telling wifey'
Him 'how could you do that - you are wrong'
You 'I know you are having an affair so I'm telling'

You tell, couple break up, and go through divorce.

6 months later you see third party
You - So and So split up after I told wifey he was having an affair with red haired lady'.
Them - Red haired lady??? Eh - I though I said Blonde?'
You - 'OMG - that's his wife!!!'

Mad-Frog

Well let me tell it from 'the other woman gossip tale'

I was friends with a bloke at work, he was nice (but in my opinion quite ugly )

We got on well had cigarette breaks together, even went for lunch a few times, sometimes on our own sometimes with others

We were at 'it' like rabbits apperently :rotfl:

Never ever ever :eek:

When I confronted the gossips I was told no woman and man can be just good friends without something in it :eek: They were told and put straight but it made no difference so our innocent chats had to end.....sad really as if he was female then well .... enough said

Can you imagine the damage if his wife was told he was having an affair with someone from work .... and yes (according to office gossip) we were having you know what and BJ's for the love of !!!!! (no we were not!)

BTW I can log in and work from home but business needs need me sometimes in the office

LouLou

I think it's a real shame to ditch a male-female friendship on account of gossips..doesn't that mean the gossips have won and they'll think they're right?! Or you didn't mind losing him as a friend anyway..?

I've been on the receiving end of that too as I have a few male friends. Women assume you're at it, and so do guys. As time passes the comments stop and people accept it. Most of it is good-humoured anyway.

Edwardia

I've never had female friends and this thread is a good example of why. It's not OP's place to go telling tales on her friend's husband on the basis that someone else saw the friend's husband with a woman who may or may not have been his wife and gossiped about it. Even if it wasn't his wife, the rules of a relationship are up to the people in it, not bystanders.

poet123

Edwardia wrote: »

I've never had female friends and this thread is a good example of why. It's not OP's place to go telling tales on her friend's husband on the basis that someone else saw the friend's husband with a woman who may or may not have been his wife and gossiped about it. Even if it wasn't his wife, the rules of a relationship are up to the people in it, not bystanders.

I am not sure that "telling tales" as you put it is an entirely female preserve, the OP did say her husband wanted to approach the man himself.

geri1965_2

Edwardia wrote: »

I've never had female friends and this thread is a good example of why.

Really? How strange. Are you male or female?

I think people's lives are generally enriched by having friends of both genders, and I would seriously wonder about someone who isn't able to relate to one specific gender seemingly on the basis of their gender alone.

Women are not that different to men, some are nice and some are idiots.

Steel_2

Having been on the other side of this (going back a few years now) I didn't shoot the messenger when someone told me my BF had been seen getting too close to someone in a similar way as your describe you saw OP. I didn't actually know the woman who told me that well - she was the girlfriend of a someone I knew. She'd heard from other people about hugs, pinched bottoms, blowing kisses, arm touches, leg touches, phonecalls, dropping each other off in town etc. and was livid that people who were supposedly my friends were saying nothing.

When she told me, I 'shot' the BF and the other woman, who turned out to be my flat mate!! Apparently they had been slinking around together for about four months when I found out and a lot of people knew. The truth of the relationship came out and I gave her 12 hours to pack and leave, and if she was still there at the appointed deadline I'd start flinging her stuff out of a second floor window along with her too.

Once it was out in the open, all sorts of people 'came forward' to tell me what they knew, making all sorts of excuses for not telling me. Some of these people I counted as my friends, an opinion I quickly revised after that.

However, the biggest pain I felt at the time was not the betrayal by my BF, but the one from my best friend, who admitted she had spotted them canoodling once and allowed herself to be persuaded by her BF not to tell me. He told her it was up to my BF to tell me in his own time and she shouldn't get involved.

To this day I've never forgotten that, and although she is my best friend going on some 25 years, I will never fully 100% trust her again to tell me if something like this ever happened again.

coinxoperated

I'm too of the feelings of "no smoke without fire" but I would suggest just keeping your nose out. I had a friend who had a fiance who was always coming onto me when she left the room (even just to the loo!!). I tried to brush it of, and then ended up telling her when he didn't stop. He then cut her off from me entirely saying I was trying to ruin their relationship as mine had recently ended and how much he loved her etc etc.

He then went on to have 3 children by 3 different women that she didn't know about until 2 years into their marriage where they were both confronted in asda by his "fiance" and his 18 month old son! It all spilled out over a 3 month battle between the two, and she eventually came back and said that she was sorry, but it was just never the same. I'm sure a part of her even now never wants to believe what he did. Unfortunately I may just be a reminder for her.

It's also pretty humilating to be cheated on. So really, you don't want everybody knowing.

Stay out, keep your ears shut to gossip you hear, and eventually she'll realise if somethings going on. Cheaters normally always get less and less careful of hiding their tracks.

On the otherside, the company I work for is rife for gossip about who's cheating on their wives/husbands and with who. Some may be true, some may be not, it isn't my business, so let them sort it out between themselves!

Sambucus_Nigra

Steel wrote: »

Having been on the other side of this (going back a few years now) I didn't shoot the messenger when someone told me my BF had been seen getting too close to someone in a similar way as your describe you saw OP.

She didn't see them - that's the whole point. Someone else did and reported it back to her.