Friends hubby caught being 'overly friendly' with another women. Should I mention it?

scooby088

I am going to echo the sentiments here and say DON'T GET INVOLVED, if you have a word with either person they always say shoot the messenger, just be there as a supportive friend when the s**t hits the fan.

ciderwithrosie_2

It's for the wife to discover if there is actually anything going on. She knows he's giving this woman a lift, she knows he's increased his working hours, so unless she trusts him implicitly, she probably will have already had these thoughts herself.

I know you count them as good friends but that still doesn't give you the right to get involved in their private life. For all you know they could have an open relationship - she could be doing the postman while hubby's at work.

LouLou

I've been on the receiving end of a friend's boyfriend's attentions, and I've seen a female friend coming onto other men/snogging them/meeting up behind boyf's back. She said, "You're my friend, not his, so you won't let on, will you?"

Neither times did I say anything. I gave the boyfriend a good talking to, he went off with his tail between his legs (no way would I go anywhere near another woman's man). Turned out he confessed to his girlf the morning after and she informed me, "Don't worry, he doesn't fancy you anyway, he was just trying to get back at me." Erm, thanks...! I didn't care about that, though I wasn't too thrilled about the thinly-veiled insult. I was more worried about his girlfriend and where it would leave our friendship; I envisioned really awkward conversations and me trying to avoid his company...so it was a relief when he owned up.

With the female partner cheating on her boyfriend, I kept schtum, not to protect anyone, but I think most couples "Shoot the messenger" and turn it around on the friend, by implying you're trying to split them up. I knew she was that type of person, and no way did I want to be in that situation.

You have very little to go on; some men can be uber-flirty. As a friend on the outside looking in, I wouldn't like it either, but, if he is messing around, he'll trip himself up eventually. I'm sure the wife will pick up the chinese whispers before long.

fluffnutter

spendingmad wrote: »

We (myself and DH) are very close friends with a couple. Holiday together, see each other most weekends etc etc. We both have 2 children, their children are 5 & 2.

12 months ago the guy got friendly with a women whom he works with and this women has become friendly with our friends and us. She has recently split up from her husband (past 6months)

GUy and women from work have started car sharing the 20 mile trip to work, and for the past 6months, they have been working longer and longer hours - not getting in until 8:45 most night.

Another friend of ours who know the couple, has approached me to say he has seen Guy helping a women (description given fits women from work) into a car and rubbing/patting bottom in a sexual/very intimate way. This was seen minutes from where said women lives.

I do not know whether to mention something to me friend (female)to let her sort out - it could be something prefectly innocent? or to speak to the Guy to tell him to sort himself out.

Rumours are already flying around his work place about the two of them, and I am a firm believer in 'theres no smoke without fire' - if it is all innocent then you would not allow rumours to exist.

Would you talk to female friend/ male friend or just keep quiet?

What are you hoping to achieve? Protect your friend? She's a grown up and her marriage is her own business. Perhaps she knows precisely how her husband behaves already. Perhaps she doesn't want to know.

Or you speak to the husband. What's he going to do? Think 'gosh, she's right, I must sort my life out' or do you think it's more likely to be 'interfering cow, must make sure I slag her off to the missus'.

IMO, people generally have rather murky reasons for wanting to tell people their other halves are having affairs. Rarely is it ever done for genuinely altruistic reasons. Plus you'll be shot as the messenger so why bother? It's only rumour anyway, you've not even got any evidence. Even if you did have, it's still none of your business.

faerie~spangles

You have no evidence there is an affair going on.

It is none of your business if there is.

billa_champion

Generally, when someone is cheating on another I think you are aware – it’s anotherthing if you try and ignore it because you don’t want confirmation (if thatmakes sense). From what you’ve said i.e. they are car sharing and workinglonger and longer hours, rumours flying around etc. etc. then maybe the wife issuss anyway but is choosing to ignore it.

It is a difficult situation and depends how much of a close friend she is. Iknow that if my best friend told me my OH was up to no good I’d be more likelyto believe him (and appreciate him telling me) as oppose to someone else who Icount as a friend but not as close. I don’t envy you. Good luck in whatever youdecide.

Byatt

As a wife who was cheated on, many emotions are in play when your partner is cheating. Being aware and proving it are two very, very different things. You may and probably do have suspicions something is going on, but how do you prove it? When the person you are meant to trust tells you repeatedly nothing is going on, or why don't you trust me, or you're imagianing things, stop listening to gossip and on and on, you end up doubting your own instincts and point of reference. You can end up in a gaslighting situation which can psychologically destroy you.

Getting proof is very, very difficult even when you are aware, unless you use covert surveilence.

I also appreciate that the messnger can be shot. I had a very brave person tell me she had seen my now ex with a woman. Yes, this was first hand but I still so wanted to believe my ex was not cheating. But it did make me aware that something was happening.

The wife may well be having red flags waving in front of her face, but she has nothing concrete to go on. I can just imagine the plausible excuses made to justify working late etc.

If you are a good friend there has to be a way to find out the lie of the land with your friend, but it will have to be in a discreet and careful way.

You will also have to be prepared that you will lose their friendship. But you would anyway I imagine if something is going on and your friend finds out you suspected. Sadly, we "hit" out at all and sundry when dealing with the devastating effects of infidelity.

As for your DH's comment about being more discreet...that would worry me a great deal. How does that make it better? And why would DH support that view?

It is also devastating after the infidelity comes to light and you find mutual friends actually made unhelpful and cruel comments such as be more discreet.

Friends are lost and relationships get damaged beyond repair.

If I had a friend in this situation I would talk to her and carefully try and find out how she feels about husband and this other woman. I don't see the harm in mentioning the rumours, because if that's all they are then nothing to worry about.

I agree that it's gossip and it might well be malicious, but the wife might have her own suspicions and be relieved to talk about it.

Important though, the friendship will never be the same, if it's not blown apart by it all anyway.

I don't think you should go in all guns blazing however.

paddy's_mum

In my opinion, one of the most vicious sayings on this earth is 'no smoke without fire'.

So often, it is used to add a sense of truthfulness and integrity to what is basically spiteful gossip and/or retaliation for some minor slight that ought to have been dismissed as silly yonks ago.

My experience of life has been that people who say it think it makes them sound wise. It doesn't - it makes them sound condemning and malicious and having been a victim of it a time or two, and endured the hurt and damage that slander and innuendo can cause, I cannot hear that remark without wanting to protest against its use, let alone agree with it.

Rant over...!

spendingmad

shegirl wrote: »

Nice:eek: 'Hey mate,if you're gonna cheat on your wife be more discrete so you don't get caught':rotfl:

Maybe I typed that wrong! He is more unhappy than me about the situation and is disgusted to think that our friend thinks so little of his wife that he would be so indiscreet and conduct an affair in plain sight. Affairs are unacceptable whatever the circumstances but if you are unhappy the least you can do is cause minimum upset to your wife and children by not letting any old tom, !!!!!! or harry catch you feeling up your new women. Some people have very little respect for themselves or others.

I believe my friend suspects something is going on and I think Byatts post just above is one of the most well-thought out replies. If the situation was reversed I would want to hear the rumours and establish fact myself - if he is just being uber-flirty, fine but there are some things married men should not do should they not want suspicion inflicted on them. This must surely include soending so much time alone with another women to the determent to his own wife and small child.

This man can log into his computer network from home and work from home in the evening should the amount of work he needs to complete require that. He is not required nor paid to spend that amount of time in the office.

Boots888

spendingmad wrote: »

We (myself and DH) are very close friends with a couple. Holiday together, see each other most weekends etc etc. We both have 2 children, their children are 5 & 2.

12 months ago the guy got friendly with a women whom he works with and this women has become friendly with our friends and us. She has recently split up from her husband (past 6months)

GUy and women from work have started car sharing the 20 mile trip to work, and for the past 6months, they have been working longer and longer hours - not getting in until 8:45 most night.

Another friend of ours who know the couple, has approached me to say he has seen Guy helping a women (description given fits women from work) into a car and rubbing/patting bottom in a sexual/very intimate way. This was seen minutes from where said women lives.

I do not know whether to mention something to me friend (female)to let her sort out - it could be something prefectly innocent? or to speak to the Guy to tell him to sort himself out.

Rumours are already flying around his work place about the two of them, and I am a firm believer in 'theres no smoke without fire' - if it is all innocent then you would not allow rumours to exist.

Would you talk to female friend/ male friend or just keep quiet?

If you are 100% sure of an affair then you must tell her. You're relationship with her will change as the messenger ALWAYS gets shot. It'll be up to you both to repair it.

To find out your partner has been having it off with someone else is bad enough, to find out that others including your friends have known about it and not told you is just as devasting.

Most people will opt for a quiet life but you have certain loyalties to your friends that can't escape from.