hiding things

Lexxi

Pollycat wrote: »

Lexxi
Unless you want to call it a day based on your suspicions, I think you need to have a really serious talk with him.

If (as you've said a couple of times) he's not interested in talking, then he's not interested in your relationship and saving it, is he?


If you know this for a fact, I would find this blatent lying totally unacceptable.
Who is 'this girl'?

How hard is he looking for work?

Do you spend any quality time together?

And jizzler:
my posts may be blunt and come across as lacking in sympathy but yours is downright rude.

Lexxi probably posted in some distress, I did say her post was a bit vague but could get the gist of what her problem was.

I think OH knows my user name on here which is why I haven't put everything down but I was also very drunk in my OP Thanks for sticking up for me and I don't mind blunt

I know of this girl but not really how they know each other, he was a bit vague when her name first came up.

He said he's applying for loads of jobs but it's the ones he wants to do as opposed to the ones he''ll get or would do to get us through

There isn't any quality time, we barely speak, he just wants to stare at his phone or the computer or telly night after night, he doesn't even want me with him when he walks the dog. We used to lay in bed chatting before we got up or went to sleep, we haven't done that in a long time. I just feel in the way

coinxoperated wrote: »

Pack up and leave. Plenty more [STRIKE]fish in the sea.[/STRIKE] clowns in the circus :rotfl:

Do you really want to spend the next 40+ years wondering who has texted him?

It's easier said than done, but be glad you don't have children with him. I keep feeling broody but I honestly believe its got more to do with how unloved I feel right now than the fact I want to have a baby

Oh and I would put money that if you say 'I think your cheating etc etc he WILL talk you around. I think this too, I've said a bit to him of what I know and he's blown up about how I wont trust him and how he's sick of being accused and I've put everything on him, it wasn't about him, it was about us

What do you offer him? £1000 a month, house, 'wife' title, someone who 'looks after him'?

What does he offer you? Stress by the sound of it.

Cut your losses and relive your youth, 2 months down the line you'll wonder why it took you so long. I'll start a countdown if I do go

Good luck! X

Thanks for the other replies I'm going to check my credit report later on tonight I think

Pollycat

Lexxi
Do you know for certain that he's on the phone to this girl when he's said he's in interviews? (ref your post #36)

I did say in my reply #37 that - if it is true - I would find such lies totally unacceptable.

Lexxi wrote: »

He said he's applying for loads of jobs but it's the ones he wants to do as opposed to the ones he''ll get or would do to get us through

Imho, he doesn't have the luxury of just applying for jobs 'he wants to do' - unless he is paying all the bills.

I'm sure lots of people are working in jobs that they don't like but they do those jobs to put a roof over the family's head and food on the table.

Lexxi wrote: »

There isn't any quality time, we barely speak, he just wants to stare at his phone or the computer or telly night after night, he doesn't even want me with him when he walks the dog. We used to lay in bed chatting before we got up or went to sleep, we haven't done that in a long time. I just feel in the way

You feel in the way because he's making you feel in the way.

Lexxi - just read what you have said in the quote above.
Doesn't it sound to you like he's telling you that he doesn't want to be with you?

TBH, you sound far too nice and good for him.
Unlike some of the other posters, I'm not 100% sure he's cheating but he sure as hell doesn't deserve you.

I'd either call it a day now and get your life back on track without him or insist you both talk and that he really listens to you 'cos it's his last chance.

Lexxi

I had to use his phone to make a call, her number was in the call list, later it had been removed. I asked him how long his interview went on and from his response he phoned this gir half way through.
I didn't pull him up on it.

He tried to argue that there was no way I would take just any job but I would and I have done, for us.

I have told him I feel like I'm not wanted and that I'm in the way, nothing is getting resolved though, I can appreciate it is difficult him not working that he isn't going to feel great about himself but he seems to be blaming me or taking it out on me by not talking to me.

I have moved out for a few days, I tried to phone and he told me to leave him alone, we have just been texting, he says he wants to be with me, loves me etc but I could send anyone of you lot a text telling you about the most amazing bungee jump I've just done, it doesnt mean it's true.

I brought up one of the things that have led me to believe he is cheating and he's told me it's not like that, I've got it wrong, all me etc, then he changed his story.
I think I'm going to see him in the next few days as I need to pick up more things so I think then would be a good oppurtunity for everything else to come out. I can then update with the other things as I think he knows I come on here

Lexxi

The texts have been mostly arguing, I didn't want you thinking he's missing me or declaring undying love.

He can't get his head around the fact that he has undermined the relationship and made me question everything. I don't think I could just go back but if we lived seperately and spent time together the not knowing what he was doing would drive me crazy.
I'm not like that, I believed him with things that sounded odd and I trusted him and accepted the explanations

Pollycat

Aw Lexxi, you must be devasted.

Hopefully, some time apart may sharpen his mind to what's important in his life - but do be ready for him deciding it's not you.

If I were you I'd stop texting, arguing via a phone isn't going to do either of you any good.
It doesn't sound too good for your relationship when he's told you to stop phoning and leave him alone.

Spend the time thinking of what you are going to say to him when you meet.
I'm pretty sure you have much more suspicions or maybe even proof of his slyness and lies.
Don't allow him to slime his way out of what you know to be true by twisting words or trying to shift the blame onto you.

You're so unhappy now, would living without him be so much worse?

Take care.

Lexxi

Sorry, it's turned into a mega post so you might want to brew up first

We talked yesterday.

He says there is no one else, the girl was phoning him for contacts for work, he didn't really say why he had deleted the number from the call log. The other issues I'd not mentioned on here are straighter, after him denying things, half admitting then being straight.
He says he can see from my point of view how it looks that he has hidden things.

I got a lot of things off my mind yesterday, I think he did too. I'm really depressed at the moment, I'd created an AE about that as I didn't want to put it as me but then didn't want to put the relationship issues under the AE too, if that makes sense. I thought they were seperate issues so I was trying to keep them seperate but they're really not. I guess I was just in a viscous cycle of feeling down, being off with him, thinking he didn't want me, us arguing or sulking at one another, thinking he didn't want me, thinking he must have someone else, all the while feeling more and more down. I've not really admitted how depressed I have been to him or myself, he thought it wasn't affecting me because we hadn't spoken but he also doesn't know how best to support me either.
I think with us not talking about things fully because of it leading into arguments or not feeling like anything was resolved it's made it worse and it's grown out of proportion. Quite glad I didn't phone this girl and tell her what a w40re I think she is

Nothing is resolved really at the moment, we have decided on steps to move forward. I'm staying where I am at the moment, it's my house that we are in the process of selling but would have been empty for about a month, if someone does buy I can always re-asses where to go. I do need the space and time alone and I think it will help us to work forward and get back to where we were, hopefully, he has said he will wait for me to get better and that he isn't going anywhere.
We wouldn't have talked like we did had I still been at home and if we hadn't had these days apart I don't think.

He got a job :j It's what he does but not really what he wants but it's still a great thing and he will be getting paid too of course. Me not being there should make him a bit more aware of money and where it goes too which would solve another issue!

I have an appointment with a counsellor to see if they can help, there are 16 week waiting lists at the moment for charity organisations so I went private. I cancelled all direct debits this month so I'll have someone to talk to for the next couple of weeks at least then I can do a proper budget for where I'm up to and where I'm living.

I want nothing more for it to be how it was for him to be the person I married but he's said he wants the same so at least we're both wanting to go in the same direction, he said he will come to some of the counselling appointments as we both agree there are things to discuss that we couldn't work through on our own, but for me to sort myself first.

As I said nothing is resolved but we are going to work at it, together. It may not get resolved we might get through these things then realise we find something else to replace it with but at least we have direction and a plan of sorts to work with for now.

Thanks guys for all the replies :T

Pollycat

Wow, Lexxi.

I don't really know what to say.
I never expected all that.

It sounds like you've certainly sorted a few things out - both with your OH and in your own mind.

It also sounds like there has been a lot of misunderstanding in your relationship, caused by lack of communication on both sides.

At least that gives you a bit of a basis to maybe start to move forward and I do agree that some time apart may be best for you both.

I really hope the counselling works for you, both of you.

You seem to be really determined to get things sorted out, one way or the other.
From what you've said just now and earlier, I think it might just go the way you want it to go.

Best wishes for the future.

ETA
that's great news about his job.