hiding things

the_cat

I suppose I would ask myself the question.... If all his secrecy, checking up on me, applying for credit for no particular reason etc etc was for notbecause he was up to no good, would I be happy to continue with the relationship or is the REAL problem for me the fact that I am being treated in this way, have very poor communication between us and do not feel able to trust my oh, even if it transpires that on this occasion he is not playing around?

You ask if there can be smoke without fire. I would argue that the 'fire' is the way you are being treated and the 'smoke' is his reason for doing so, not the other way around.

Lexxi

I'm glad some of you made some sense of my posts, I had to go back and edit it as even in my state it made no sense to me, so thanks for that.

We live together
We're married, 18 months ish
No kids
joint account at minus 19 so not a big thing
He's not going out as in out, things like buying steak, asda for breakfast
I pay for everything I can afford, by which the bills are 1200 I earn 1000.
His mum will be giving him cash but that doesn't explain why or how receipts say debit card on them, I haven't seen the credit card to know what numbers it ends in
A name on his call list made me suspicious, he then took that number off his call log, I checked his phone after I had posted, I know this makes me as bad as him but I don't know what to do. I want to leave, for a few reasons but don't know if I wait till I find something concrete and it breaks my heart or leave now and see if the space let's us work on things or just cut my losses entirely.
He accuses me of cheating and if I accuse him back he backs off.
He is on his phone a lot it used to be games but now its facebook and messaging

Lexxi

The card he is hiding is not the one from the receipts. He has also lied about the credit limit. I don't know how he is planning on paying for it.
He doesn't tend to pay attention so I'm never quite sure if he's not listened/understood is lying or the not paying attention is an act so he can be vague.
He got a new phone contract and said it has the frst few months free, no provider offers that. He has either misunderstood or has found someone else to pay it as the phones were something that didn't get paid last month

Caroline_a

You know what is happening... he's got someone else. Either accuse him outright and ask him to disprove or cut your losses and walk.

bluebird

Sorry but this sounds wrong,i wouldn't bother making accusations the Trust is gone if there ever was any trust.
What if anything is he bringing to the relationship?

Is your heart breaking enough to make that final split? if you just answered yes then my dear Lexxi do it, don't hang around waiting for nothing,life's way too short for that.
Leave or kick him out either way i'm sure you'll find life just changed for the better.

Alikay

It's hard living with someone so dishonest, and very common that they are often deeply suspicious of their (usually innocent) partners. My first husband was like this too and in the end I just trusted my instincts and left, although he swore his innocence for months after.

He lied about everything - not very convincingly as he wasn't too bright :rotfl: - and as I was so young and naive, I though I couldn't act on it unless I caught him red-handed or he came clean. He wept and wailed on every shoulder in the neighbourhood about how I'd misjudged him, but luckily the girl's ("just a mate - you're crazy to suspect me") rather untimely pregnancy sort of proved I didn't need therapy for jealousy, simply a swift divorce!

Don't think you need concrete proof or a confession to leave him: If your instinct tells you he's being unfaithful and you have sufficient circumstantial evidence to back it up, you're almost certainly right!

MissMonkeyMoo

Lexxi, I hate to say it but he is clearly up to something here and you can't go on the way that you are! I have been in a very similar position to you; my ex had credit card statements coming to the house (he didn't tell me he had applied for them) and I was convinced that he was cheating on me. I caught him texting someone one night, he was drunk and started deleting it as soon as he saw I wast reading what he was writing but I checked his phone the next day and found messages to and from another girl. Long story short, I confronted him and he said it was just phone flirting and he hadn't actually done anthing. i didn't want to believe different so we carried on. After three years together he broke down and admitted that he was £30k in debt from gambling. he has used the money from the credit cards and loans to fund his habit. Again, I stood by him and helped him but after another year I realised that I didn't love him and we split up.

Whatever the reason is behind your OH credit cards/messaging it is not acceptable. In a relationship you are not meant to have any secrets and for him to be checking your social network but not allowing you to check his shows that there is a serious imbalance between you. Kingfisher is spot on when they say that if he doesn't trust you it is because he is judging you by his own behavious. I can;t tell you what he is gettin gup to behind your back, but it is clear form what you have said that he is up to no good of some sort and you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to put up with it any longer. You need to sit him down and ask for answers; if he starts to get argumentative or confrontational don't respond in kind - just stay focused and very calm and don't raise your voice. if he continues to try to start an argument just tell him that you;re not prepared to talk to him whilst he is like that and that you'll give him some time to calm down. I know it is easy to say but you need to stay strong and find out the truth. Once you do know what is happening it will be your choice as to where you go from there, but that's the key thing - YOUR choice. Only you can decide what is best for you, but from the sounds of it this is not a man who loves and respects you and you deserve more than that.

best of luck. x

SophieCat

Has he done anything in the past to make you suspicious? Have you been cheated on before? Just wondered why you'd be checking his receipts, etc. It sounds as if you don't trust each other & without trust, no relationship can thrive.

Lexxi

I got fed up of being accused of cheating so started doing it back and realised he backed off if I accused him back. I got suspicious of where his money was coming from then when I was clearing things out saw one of the receipts which has been paid for by card not cash. I asked who bought it and he said his mum gave him the money.

Thanks for the replies, I do feel like I need something concrete but it will hurt so bad I wonder if its worth waiting around for then wonder if I'm hurt enough to make the split and have enough faith in myself to go with what I know.

Alikay

Lexxi wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, I do feel like I need something concrete but it will hurt so bad I wonder if its worth waiting around for then wonder if I'm hurt enough to make the split and have enough faith in myself to go with what I know.

You may never get complete proof, just lots of small things which could be classed as evidence. Personally, there would be a point at which I'd consider my suspicions to be adequately supported and after that it would be beneath my dignity to hang around waiting for that "gotcha!" moment or a confession.

However, that song "Wasn't me" by Shaggy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g5Hz17C4is could've been written by my ex!!