At wits end with daughter

Mojisola

lessonlearned wrote: »

DS2 was 4.5 and had just started school in the reception class. I let him go to school in shoes that had velcro fastenings (he didn't manage to learn to tie shoe laces until he was 8).

I though it would be easier for him at PE times etc, rather than see him weep with frustration trying to tie shoe laces. At this point I wasn't aware that he had dyslexia.

Anyway I picked him from school to be met with by teacher who handed me a bag with some wet clothes in. Apparently DS2 had had an "accident". She was very cross, said son was crying.

I quizzed as to what had happened - had he left it too late etc.

'Well" said - "I was telling him off for wearing Velcro shoes. I told him they were for babies, all the other children were laughing, he got upset and he wet himself".

That is shocking!

jellyhead

That story is awful!!

I think most of the kids wet themselves at least once in reception, or at least the boys ...

But what on earth have velcro shoes got to do with anything? Clarks sell them in quite large sizes, in black, in the school shoes range! I bet half the kids in my son's year 2 class still have velcro! Nobody has mentioned them to my boy, and the teachers certainly haven't. They are already concerned about the amount of extra time they have to allow my son to get dressed after PE, so there's no way they would want him to wear shoes that didn't have velcro!!

My eldest wore them until he got to high school, but then he worried about them being babyish - but there's no way a 4 year old should be told that they are babyish! I'm really upset by that story, how dare she upset your little boy like that!

jellyhead

By the way, I am 40 and I still don't know how to tie shoelaces! I use the bunny ears way. I'm not dyslexic but would probably be diagnosed with dyspraxia if I got assessed.

I am always a lot more shaky and clumsy if I feel that I am being criticised ... it's certainly no way to get results from a child!

mumps

I feel for you and your daughter. My daughter had similar problems, although she wasn't dyslexic but probably dyspraxic we decided not to have her assessed but our Health Visitor thought that was the problem. She had low self esteem, got bullied, didn't mix well and of course was always the kid who didn't get picked for games. One of the things we did was try loads of activities to find out which she liked. She liked dancing but struggled with it. We thought it was good for her so we talked to her teacher and arranged a private lesson the night before her class. She went through everything on a one to one basis and then coped with the class. She ended up doing well and did solos in some of her dancing school shows. This boosted her no end. She did Brownies, we talked to Brown Owl about the problems and she paired her up with a new girl and made her a sixer, another success. My daughter also did well with swimming and loved it when school did swimming as it was the one PE thing she was good at.

I hope I don't offend some people with this but here goes. I have a friend with a son who has very severe dyslexia. Eventually he went to a special boarding school. He was told about all the brilliant dyslexics, and I know there are lots of them. The problem was he was waiting for his brilliant talent to be discovered and although in the short term it gave him a boost in the end it did the opposite. He is a nice boy but as an adult he is still struggling with reading and writing and hasn't found his special talent. He now feels that not only is he a failure because he can't read or write well but he is also a failure as a dyslexic as he isn't a genius at something else. I think he feels he just needs to be accepted as himself and doesn't need his mother pushing him to try this and that because he could be the next big thing.

I always told my daughter that I understood and promised her it would get better. Primary school is a small world, much easier to find a likeminded soul when you get to big school. When you get to 16 it is even better, you get to study something you want, hair dressing, dance, academic subjects or whatever. No one was ever going to make her do PE again. At 21 my daughter is happier than she has ever been and she says she is now glad she isn't one of those people who say school days are the happiest of your life because they are behind her now and she can look forward to the best years. This is a girl who at nine told me she would rather be dead than ever go to school again. I know it is hard now but she has a mum who loves her and I hope one day you can look back at this and realise she has the worst behind her and only good things to look forward to. Good luck.

Mojisola

mumps wrote: »

I hope I don't offend some people with this but here goes. I have a friend with a son who has very severe dyslexia. Eventually he went to a special boarding school. He was told about all the brilliant dyslexics, and I know there are lots of them. The problem was he was waiting for his brilliant talent to be discovered and although in the short term it gave him a boost in the end it did the opposite. He is a nice boy but as an adult he is still struggling with reading and writing and hasn't found his special talent. He now feels that not only is he a failure because he can't read or write well but he is also a failure as a dyslexic as he isn't a genius at something else. I think he feels he just needs to be accepted as himself and doesn't need his mother pushing him to try this and that because he could be the next big thing.

There is a risk of this if parents over-do it. There are only a few brilliant people in any particular group in society. If all dyslexics were brilliant, they would be sought out and cultivated by schools. They can't all be top of their fields but they may have things that they are better at than non-dyslexics.

You don't have to be the best at something to be good at it. If a dyslexic stops trying in any particular area because he or she doesn't easily get to the top immediately, that's very sad.

We all need to build on the talents we have and that takes application and hard work. Someone who is good at writing at school isn't going to become a famous author without years of hard work. A dyslexic who is talented at music or architecture design isn't going achieve without a similar amount of effort.

lessonlearned

Mojisola wrote: »

That is shocking!

Isn't it just. Luckily the Headteacher was in earshot when I gave the teacher a piece of my mind. The head rang me later that evening to ask what had happened. She asked me if I would call in and see her the next morning and she called my son in. She was lovely with him.

The teacher was given a formal warning. She resigned within the year. I don't think it was purely to do with my son because after the incident lots of other mums came up to me with their own horror stories.

duchy

jellyhead wrote: »

By the way, I am 40 and I still don't know how to tie shoelaces! I use the bunny ears way. I'm not dyslexic but would probably be diagnosed with dyspraxia if I got assessed.

I am always a lot more shaky and clumsy if I feel that I am being criticised ... it's certainly no way to get results from a child!

I do too and yup I think I'd get the dyspraxia diagnosis too at 51

averagemummy

Gosh I am a bit gobsmacked to come back and find this on the first page still! I guess it affects many many more people in different ways than I'd thought.

Thank you for all your inspiring stories. I've spent ages reading through them. It's really brought it home that dyslexia does affect a person in more ways than just reading and writing. For example, DD can't tie shoeslaces, still gets her left and right wrong , takes ages to eat her breakfast in the morning and get dressed, get stressed if there is too many things asked of her too quickly. This mornng I was making mental notes all the time not to hurry her along too much, and to go at her pace. Luckily we still managed to leave the house on time, but not stressed and still friends!

The Dr last night said the situation is not bad enough for her to be referred to CAHMS. I was worried about that last night, but after the school run this morning I think I am relieved. Dr advised us to utilise the school for support, from the SENco and school nurse if necessary. By the way, I am not quite sure what outcome I had expected or wanted. But actually hearing everyone elses stories have helped hugely.

DD was very clingy once we arrived at school, but I had to go into the classroom anyway to see her teacher to get her IEP signed off. Her teacher has nothing but praise for DD, she is progressing well and they are making sure she gets time away from the main class every day for extra reading or exercises. Her teacher is going to make sure they build some confidence building excercises into this as well. (We have always taken this for granted, but after reading what other people have gone through I think we may have been exceptionally lucky with our school?)

Hubby is away now until Friday night, so between now and then it is just me and the girls. I'm planning to go on a nature walk to some local woods on Sat, collecting lots of god-knows-what to come back and make pictures with. With OH away so much at the momment I want to try and build in some family time every weekend, and not just let the time slip away.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, you don't know how much you have helped

averagemummy

By the way I just remembered something the Dr said last night. He was talking directly to DD who was countering every suggestion he was making. Made him almost speechless at times! As we were leaving he said we may have a future politician on our hands as DD can debate so well!

Mojisola

averagemummy wrote: »

Thank you to everyone who has replied, you don't know how much you have helped

I'm glad if our experiences can help someone else. I wish we'd had the benefit of web forums when our son started having problems.

We put up with the school being useless for far too long because we didn't know what our son's problems were and what the school should have been doing about them. He retreated into himself and didn't cause problems so was left on the sidelines a lot. The Ed Psych was very disappointed with the school's management of his difficulties and told us that it was a shame our son was so well-behaved and that he would have been called in much sooner if our son had "lost it and thrown chairs around the room" which he thought would have been quite justified under the circumstances!