At wits end with daughter

lessonlearned

averagemummy wrote: »

We are still going to the DR's this evening. Not because I think she needs psychiatric help or anything but because I think she needs something more than I can provide. She needs help in how to cope with her feelings of inadequacy / low self esteem and loss of confidence, again I am putting words in her mouth here but this is how I see it. It may be that I am somehow making this worse. I am not dyslexic so perhaps I do approach this wrong.

Don't underestimate yourself. You will be more than able to help and guide your daughter and have lots of fun in the process.

As for psychiatric help - although I don't know you both I would have said this is highly unlikely to be necessary. Dyslexia/Dyspraxia are not mental or psychiatric illnesses.

The big problem is that schools - especially infant schools - seem utterly fixated on reading/writing etc, therefore the dyslexic child will struggle. Higher education, university etc is a completely different kettle of fish. They work with the individual's intelligence, talents and abilities. The ability to write something on paper becomes almost irrelevant. There are many ways of expressing thoughts and ideas, through film and visual media, using computer software etc.

I agree that many dyslexic people have other gifts - look at those famous dyslexics on google. Artists, writers, scientists, actors, inventors, entrepeneurs, world leaders - they are all there - some with very severe dyslexia. Just look at that list. Leonardo Da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Richard Branson, Winston Churchill, Keira Knightly, Tom Cruise. The list is endless.

Many dyslexics have compensatory gifts and abilities that far outweigh the ability to write and spell. Reading and writing are skills can be acquired, that's what dictionaries and spell check are for.

Imagination, artistic talent, musical abilities are not gifts that everyone is blessed with. The thing that many dyslexics have in common is the ability to think "outside the box" - I hate that expression but it does explain what I'm trying to say. Because dyslexics are wired differently they are very often highly imaginative.

My son struggles to express his thoughts in writing and cannot spell even if his life depended on it. However, he is very articulate, has an amazing vocabulary and an almost photographic memory. He is a keen photographer and a skilled guitar player, and is a whizz with computers and anything electronic. His particular strengths are anything "arty", science and maths.

Despite his difficulties in writing he still managed to clock up 8 GSCE's and 3 "A" levels before going on to University.

Please don't think in terms of mental illness or needing psychiatric help - it just isn't true. In fact it could even make matters worse - making your daughter feel she is inferior in some way, making her stand out from her classmates even more.

Re the lack of self esteem, the "dramatics" etc please remember she is still a very young . She is struggling at learning to read and write and probably feels overwhelmed. She probably just gets very tired trying to cope with it all. I know my son used to get really tired - when he was tired he would get upset and over-react.

Now you know what the "problem" is (not that it is a problem - she's just different that's all, not ill, not stupid) you will find ways of getting round issues. You will be able to help and support your daughter, you will be able to help her develop coping methods. As she copes better she will grow in confidence and so will you.

Just trust in yourself and your abilities - you know your daughter better than anybody - you can do this.

aliasojo

lessonlearned wrote: »

As for psychiatric help - although I don't know you both I would have said this is highly unlikely to be necessary. Dyslexia/Dyspraxia are not mental or psychiatric illnesses.

Can I just clarify something please?

An appointment with a kid's psychiatric nurse does not necessarily mean a person has a mental or psychiatric illness. It's only a job title. And I did not suggest this in connection with the dyslexia, only with the other concerns the OP had about her daughter.

The nurse will deal with all sorts of emotional issues....including low self esteem or anxiety and can help the child make sense of how he or she feels and offer ways of feeling better.

I think perhaps people are only seeing the word 'psychiatric' and are making incorrect assumptions?

Mojisola

lessonlearned wrote: »

The big problem is that schools - especially infant schools - seem utterly fixated on reading/writing etc, therefore the dyslexic child will struggle. Higher education, university etc is a completely different kettle of fish. They work with the individual's intelligence, talents and abilities. The ability to write something on paper becomes almost irrelevant. There are many ways of expressing thoughts and ideas, through film and visual media, using computer software etc.

I agree that many dyslexic people have other gifts - look at those famous dyslexics on google. Artists, writers, scientists, actors, inventors, entrepeneurs, world leaders - they are all there - some with very severe dyslexia. Just look at that list. Leonardo Da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Richard Branson, Winston Churchill, Keira Knightly, Tom Cruise. The list is endless.

Many dyslexics have compensatory gifts and abilities that far outweigh the ability to write and spell. Reading and writing are skills that can be acquired, that's what dictionaries and spell check are for.

Imagination, artistic talent, musical abilities are not gifts that everyone is blessed with. The thing that many dyslexics have in common is the ability to think "outside the box" - I hate that expression but it does explain what I'm trying to say. Because dyslexics are wired differently they are very often highly imaginative.

My son struggles to express his thoughts in writing and cannot spell even if his life depended on it. However, he is very articulate, has an amazing vocabulary and an almost photographic memory. He is a keen photographer and a skilled guitar player, and is a whizz with computers and anything electronic. His particular strengths are anything "arty", science and maths.

Inspiring post!

My son had this problem with creative writing. I got round it by letting him record his stories and typing them out for him. His teacher accused me of "doing his work for him", thinking that I was making up the stories so I made her and the SENCO sit and listen to his tapes. They apologised and admitted they had underestimated his talents because of the problems he had with writing.

I was a teacher myself but these kind of teachers who can't see past a very limited range of skills really frustrate me. There are so many children who are not being educated well as a result, just being expected to fit into boxes.

jellyhead

aliasojo wrote: »

The nurse will deal with all sorts of emotional issues....including low self esteem or anxiety and can help the child make sense of how he or she feels and offer ways of feeling better.

A bit like high school kids going to see CAMHS then? My eldest saw them and it was helpful. He doesn't have a psychiatric disorder and never needed medication. It's just counselling really, which can be good for a child who has low self esteem.

lessonlearned

aliasojo wrote: »

Can I just clarify something please?

I think perhaps people are only seeing the word 'psychiatric' and are making incorrect assumptions?

When I read the OP's comment about her daughter maybe needing psychiatric help I got the impression that the lady thought she had to turn things over to the professionals because she felt she wasn't knowledgable enough and that she wouldn't be able to support her child.

I wanted to reassure her that this was not the case and that she would be able to help, guide and support her daughter.

I agree that counselling may be of great benefit for issues regarding lack of self esteem etc. However many people do seem to think that counselling is a "cure" for dyslexia, which of course it isn't.

I just wanted to emphasise the point that dyslexia/dyspraxia are not illnesses - either physical or mental. So often people think they are.

There does seem still to be a lack of understanding about dyslexia - some think it's an illness or disability, others think it's just an excuse that parents latch on to as an excuse for a child being stupid/thick/lazy.

I know this because of my dealings with teachers who had no understanding of what it means to be dyslexic. I won't bore you with the battles I had to face when my son was small, or just how awful some of the teachers were.

There are still far too many people who simply "pooh-pooh" dyslexia as a made up syndrome. Throw in dyspraxia with its memory issues and lack of organisational skills and you have a recipe for some pretty nasty bullying from (some) teachers and educational professionals who should know better.

aliasojo

jellyhead wrote: »

A bit like high school kids going to see CAMHS then? My eldest saw them and it was helpful. He doesn't have a psychiatric disorder and never needed medication. It's just counselling really, which can be good for a child who has low self esteem.

Yes, exactly that. :beer:

In fact the CAMHS site has info on the professionals that may be useful in helping kids. Psychiatric nurses are listed there too.

aliasojo

lessonlearned wrote: »

When I read the OP's comment about her daughter maybe needing psychiatric help I got the impression that the lady thought she had to turn things over to the professionals because she felt she wasn't knowledgable enough and that she wouldn't be able to support her child.

Ah, now I didn't have the same interpretation. I thought she was just putting feelers out for extra pointers or tips on how best to handle or support her daughter. That's why I made the suggestions I did. I didn't get the impression she thought she couldn't deal with it herself.

lessonlearned

aliasojo wrote: »

Ah, now I didn't have the same interpretation. I thought she was just putting feelers out for extra pointers or tips on how best to handle or support her daughter. That's why I made the suggestions I did. I didn't get the impression she thought she couldn't deal with it herself.

Maybe I just got the wrong end of the stick. :rotfl:

I do think it's sad though that sometimes parents are made to feel that they are not good enough and that they should leave it up to the professionals.

I did get that a lot when my son was small.

I'm not saying don't get the professionals involved - it's just that a parent knows their child far better than any doctor/social worker.

I just knew that my son was struggling - and that some of the teachers were being unreasonable, calling him lazy, naughty etc

I know I said I wouldn't bore you with my horror stories but this one was actually quite funny in a way.

DS2 was 4.5 and had just started school in the reception class. I let him go to school in shoes that had velcro fastenings (he didn't manage to learn to tie shoe laces until he was 8).

I though it would be easier for him at PE times etc, rather than see him weep with frustration trying to tie shoe laces. At this point I wasn't aware that he had dyslexia.

Anyway I picked him from school to be met with by teacher who handed me a bag with some wet clothes in. Apparently DS2 had had an "accident". She was very cross, said son was crying.

I quizzed as to what had happened - had he left it too late etc.

'Well" said - "I was telling him off for wearing Velcro shoes. I told him they were for babies, all the other children were laughing, he got upset and he wet himself".

I calmly asked her where she had done her teacher training. She told me the name of her uni and asked why I wanted to know.

'Oh I just wondered" I replied. "I thought perhaps it was Gestapo Headquarters".

She looked like she was about to hit me, so before she had time to say anything, I pointed out that at 4.5 he was just a baby, that there was nothing in the school uniform regs to say that they couldn't wear shoes with velcro fasteners and that I thought she was a sadist to tease and torment a child until he got so distressed that he wet himself and then to shout at him for wetting himself.

I didn't shout, swear, rant or rave but I did do this in full view of other parents and teachers. I also pointed out that if she ever treated my son like that again I would be making a formal complaint to the Board of Education and that I would also inform the press.

Never upset a mother. :rotfl:

zcrat41

lessonlearned wrote: »

I just wanted to emphasise the point that dyslexia/dyspraxia are not illnesses - either physical or mental. So often people think they are.

There does seem still to be a lack of understanding about dyslexia - some think it's an illness or disability, others think it's just an excuse that parents latch on to as an excuse for a child being stupid/thick/lazy.


There are still far too many people who simply "pooh-pooh" dyslexia as a made up syndrome. Throw in dyspraxia with its memory issues and lack of organisational skills and you have a recipe for some pretty nasty bullying from (some) teachers and educational professionals who should know better.

Hear Hear.

Dyslexia is something that can be overcome.

My brother is severely dyslexic. Diagnosed at 7 he spent hour upon hour upon hour with my Mum reading and learning special ways to cope with his particular problems (which, OP I'm sure you will do as you sound like a fab mum). Which, being his bigger sister, I of course used to rib him about mercilessley. He got his own back though as I was horrific at maths.

He is now has one of the coolest, yet most challenging and difficult jobs in the country as a fast jet pilot. If my severlely dyslexic brother can do that your daughter can do anything.

The only thing I'd say is yes, let her stop stage school if she really hates it but keep on going with extra curricular stuff. It builds character, social skills and if you are lucky like my brother who tried the ccf after school as he was bored of hockey, you might just inspire your future career.

You sound like a fab mum, keep at it and make sure you get some R&R whilst your hubby is away.

aliasojo

lessonlearned wrote: »

Maybe I just got the wrong end of the stick. :rotfl:

I do think it's sad though that sometimes parents are made to feel that they are not good enough and that they should leave it up to the professionals.


Never upset a mother. :rotfl:

Just different interpretations is all.

Agree.

Agree again.

My eldest is 29 and is learning disabled amongst other things. I have had more dealings with useless professionals than I care to recall andI've done my fair share of going against the grain over the years.

But, on the other hand, some professionals have been brilliant and certainly the nurse daughter saw for her low self esteem and anxiety was really helpful which is why I mentioned it earlier. And kinda wish I hadn't now.:rotfl: