What to think.....

sarymclary

Am I the only one reading this that has picked up on the OP saying that she hasn't really gained much weight, as she's still wearing the same size clothes she did when they met?

A difference in dress size is usually about a stone in weight. So you lose 14lbs and you'll go down a dress size, gain it and likewise you'll go up, so by that estimation, you've presumably not gained a stone since you met. Hardly the sort of weight gain to stop a partner fancying you, surely?

If he was capable for fancying the pants off you then, why can't he now, if his lack of interest in the bedroom is really down to that alone?

The mention of him not trusting you, even though 2 years have almost passed since your hidden debt came to light, seems a bit of a double-standard, given that he has been caught by you messaging an ex girlfriend. I'd have a bigger issue with that, than any debt problem.

Also, what on earth is his thing with you not expressing your feelings, and talking about things in a deeper way all about? If you've never been like that, why does he want you to be like it now, and even more so that he isn't like this himself? Is he trying to create an issue out of nothing here for the sake of it? Is he wanting you to emulate someone else? If you were an emotional wreck just waiting to brain-dump on him at the end of every day he'd be having a much tougher time of things, believe me.

I'm a bit suspicious that your weight gain is the sole reason for him not wanting to be intimate. If his libido is OK, then for most men (IMHO) they'll want to get their rocks off regardless. If you've previously always had a regular love life, can you pinpoint a time when things started to die off a bit? Could it have coincided with another event? I suspect he's deflecting his disinterest in sex onto you, and following his usual pattern of making you take the blame for something that may well be his fault.

For me, to have been told that I was unattractive enough physically for my OH not to want to make love to me (for the sake of a few pounds extra) would speak volumes. I suspect this isn't about any weight gain at all, but I've no idea what it is about. That's for you to figure out.

I would, however be very angry, and my ardour would have been dampened completely. I wouldn't be initiating any kind of intimate activity, and I also wouldn't be available for any should he initiate it, until I got to the bottom of what is really going on. Any relationship, emotional and physical, is a two-way street. When you have only one of you putting in any sort of effort, how is that fair? There's too many throw-away comments from your husband here, that when you scratch beneath the surface don't actually have much substance to them as complaints.

Bottom line (apparently) is: You have gained a few pounds, you had some debt he was unaware of, but is now all cleared, and you've never run up any since, and you have never been the kind to talk about your deeper feelings on a daily basis, but now he thinks you should (although he doesn't do it either, and isn't going to change his lack of sharing such things).

Nope, I'm still not convinced. :cool:

January20

sarymclary wrote: »

Am I the only one reading this that has picked up on the OP saying that she hasn't really gained much weight, as she's still wearing the same size clothes she did when they met?

A difference in dress size is usually about a stone in weight. So you lose 14lbs and you'll go down a dress size, gain it and likewise you'll go up, so by that estimation, you've presumably not gained a stone since you met. Hardly the sort of weight gain to stop a partner fancying you, surely?

If he was capable for fancying the pants off you then, why can't he now, if his lack of interest in the bedroom is really down to that alone?

The mention of him not trusting you, even though 2 years have almost passed since your hidden debt came to light, seems a bit of a double-standard, given that he has been caught by you messaging an ex girlfriend. I'd have a bigger issue with that, than any debt problem.

Also, what on earth is his thing with you not expressing your feelings, and talking about things in a deeper way all about? If you've never been like that, why does he want you to be like it now, and even more so that he isn't like this himself? Is he trying to create an issue out of nothing here for the sake of it? Is he wanting you to emulate someone else? If you were an emotional wreck just waiting to brain-dump on him at the end of every day he'd be having a much tougher time of things, believe me.

I'm a bit suspicious that your weight gain is the sole reason for him not wanting to be intimate. If his libido is OK, then for most men (IMHO) they'll want to get their rocks off regardless. If you've previously always had a regular love life, can you pinpoint a time when things started to die off a bit? Could it have coincided with another event? I suspect he's deflecting his disinterest in sex onto you, and following his usual pattern of making you take the blame for something that may well be his fault.

For me, to have been told that I was unattractive enough physically for my OH not to want to make love to me (for the sake of a few pounds extra) would speak volumes. I suspect this isn't about any weight gain at all, but I've no idea what it is about. That's for you to figure out.

I would, however be very angry, and my ardour would have been dampened completely. I wouldn't be initiating any kind of intimate activity, and I also wouldn't be available for any should he initiate it, until I got to the bottom of what is really going on. Any relationship, emotional and physical, is a two-way street. When you have only one of you putting in any sort of effort, how is that fair? There's too many throw-away comments from your husband here, that when you scratch beneath the surface don't actually have much substance to them as complaints.

Bottom line (apparently) is: You have gained a few pounds, you had some debt he was unaware of, but is now all cleared, and you've never run up any since, and you have never been the kind to talk about your deeper feelings on a daily basis, but now he thinks you should (although he doesn't do it either, and isn't going to change his lack of sharing such things).

Nope, I'm still not convinced. :cool:

No you're not the only one! you have just expressed very well what I was thinking.

I am feeling quite angry on your behalf OP. So you are too fat for sex but he still wants cuddles when you are watching tv??? What is all this about? That makes me think he has a problem because if he really didn't fancy you, surely he wouldn't want cuddles, would he?

Never mind sex, in your situation I would be so angry by his unfairness and his demands, he wouldn't even get a cuddle!

FBaby

It sounds to me like you are deflating blame on each other.

Regarding the trust issue, I can understand how he feels. You kept something important from him and that probably had him shaken. It is now a case of rebuilding the trust and that will take a long time. All you can do is never put his trust to the test again and be patient.

Re. the weight. He was honest and he whether it is right he should feel the way he does, it is how he feels end of it. My partner is attracted to slim women, that's how he is and I knew that when we met. I know that if I put on weight, he wouldn't stop loving me, but yes, I expected his physical attraction would be affected. I wouldn't blame him for it, that's how he feels, it would be up to me to disregard his feelings and therefore not act on them, or accept his feelings and assuming it is something I want to do for myself too, do make an extra effort to lose it. In the end, it is not just him that will get the rewards but you too if it means you rekindle your sex life.

Grumpygit

I can appreciate what you are all saying

I am angry about it and am trying to be "normal"

Get this though - I said what do you want for tea - sprog said cheese & Chips, he has said Oh I will have pie and chips. I got the food for them but I am not having any I am not going to get the "I told you about the weight and then you have chips" snide remarks

Because it's getting to me I am not really eating - ok, did have a chinese last night (no sauce just rice and something dry) after sprog's parents evening but I hadn't eaten since Tuesday night because I was so stressed about him and his lack of communication)

I am just letting him make all of the moves - but he will probably be narked at that because I am not coming to him..........I won't be able to win!

belfastgirl23

Have been following this a little.

IMHO you are making all this about him and what he wants. But what about you and what you want? Is that not a better starting point for figuring out your future?

It sounds like you have both done things in the past to cause trust issues in the relationship. And that you are in a negative cycle of blaming each other for the problems when the truth is that you have both contributed to the problems. The issue with the weight thing is the same, you asked him to be honest not really meaning it and he responded in a way that he knew would be unhelpful. It seems to me that you are both trying to put the problems in the relationship on each others shoulders. You are obviously now using not eating in a sort of passive aggressive way to make a point to him. This is not only unhealthy but also not good if communication is what you want.

So I will just say, is this the relationship you want to be in? If it is then I guess you have to just get through this. If not then you need to make an effort to change the dynamic. Stop thinking about posturing, stop finding reasons to be upset with him and start talking honestly. Tell him that it was hard to hear about the weight issue. Talk to him about what you as a family can do to establish a healthier lifestyle for both of you. Be open to change. And encourage him to be open to change too. He will probably at first try to re-establish the old negative patterns. Don't let him. Try to hear what he is saying afresh, take on board and admit to your own failings rather than get into being defensive. Set a good example of the kind of relationship you would like to be in and he will hopefully follow suit.

Break the patterns. Move away from the negative cycle. You are responsible for this, it is as much your mess as his and you should take some responsibility for fixing it. And at the end of the day if you want to change something in a relationship, you need to begin with the bit you can change which is yourself and your own reactions.

catch_me_if_you_can

Grumpygit wrote: »

I can appreciate what you are all saying

I am angry about it and am trying to be "normal"

Get this though - I said what do you want for tea - sprog said cheese & Chips, he has said Oh I will have pie and chips. I got the food for them but I am not having any I am not going to get the "I told you about the weight and then you have chips" snide remarks

Because it's getting to me I am not really eating - ok, did have a chinese last night (no sauce just rice and something dry) after sprog's parents evening but I hadn't eaten since Tuesday night because I was so stressed about him and his lack of communication)

I am just letting him make all of the moves - but he will probably be narked at that because I am not coming to him..........I won't be able to win!

don't starve yourself because of what he might say! If you want chips, have chips! Otherwise it's a form of control, he makes a comment and you immediately stop that course of action.
It doesn't take too long for someone to suss that and start to push boundaries. Please don't become a victim.

lostinrates

Grumpygit wrote: »

I can appreciate what you are all saying

I am angry about it and am trying to be "normal"

Get this though - I said what do you want for tea - sprog said cheese & Chips, he has said Oh I will have pie and chips. I got the food for them but I am not having any I am not going to get the "I told you about the weight and then you have chips" snide remarks

Because it's getting to me I am not really eating - ok, did have a chinese last night (no sauce just rice and something dry) after sprog's parents evening but I hadn't eaten since Tuesday night because I was so stressed about him and his lack of communication)

I am just letting him make all of the moves - but he will probably be narked at that because I am not coming to him..........I won't be able to win!

Grumpygit, i understand how hurt you are, but. Don't think you are being very fair. You asked him to be honest, he was, now yo are being dishonest.

If you want to lose weight do so, quietly if you want to, but please, more healthily than not eating!

Grumpygit

I am not eating to spite him so if that's how it has come across then it's a mistake.

I have always been the same I don't comfort eat when down, angry or upset like some people, I just don't eat. It must be nervous tension or something but in periods of stress like this i just can't face food.

I am not doing this to punish him or make a point it's just the way I am.

Yes I didn't have chips when he did but I have eaten.....small salad and fruit. So am not starving myself just not eating crap or big amounts now.

Grumpygit

lostinrates wrote: »

Grumpygit, i understand how hurt you are, but. Don't think you are being very fair. You asked him to be honest, he was, now yo are being dishonest.

If you want to lose weight do so, quietly if you want to, but please, more healthily than not eating!

How am I being dishonest?

Why am I not being fair? Yes I asked for honesty and did appreciate that he was (which I have said earlier)

January20

Grumpygit wrote: »

I can appreciate what you are all saying

I am angry about it and am trying to be "normal" Why are you trying to be be normal? So he says something nasty to you and slightly unfair (because he has put weight on too since you met) and what? you are just going to leave it and not discuss it anymore. You are hurt - understandably - so why stop talking? I don't understand because I couldn't leave it at that.

Get this though - I said what do you want for tea - sprog said cheese & Chips, he has said Oh I will have pie and chips. I got the food for them but I am not having any I am not going to get the "I told you about the weight and then you have chips" snide remarks If you want chips, have chips. If you want to eat a whole chocolate cake, do! Don't let him tell you what to eat. Where will it stop? Anyway, why do you let your child choose what to have for tea? Chips and cheese is bad for everybody, you , him AND the child. If it was me, I'd be cooking healthy meals for everybody from now on, and if he complained, I would refer him to his comment about your weight and the fact it's not practical to cook 3 different meals!

Because it's getting to me I am not really eating - ok, did have a chinese last night (no sauce just rice and something dry) after sprog's parents evening but I hadn't eaten since Tuesday night because I was so stressed about him and his lack of communication) Don't start justifying what you eat. It's a dangerous road to take. You should lose weight and if you want and because YOU want, not because it will make him have sex with you, because I don't think that's the reason he's not having sex with you. It's just an excuse, to deflect from the real reason imo

I am just letting him make all of the moves - but he will probably be narked at that because I am not coming to him..........I won't be able to win! After what he said to you, and how hurt you were, it's understandable that you wouldn't want to make the first move!

See my comments above.
Could you explain to me though, in some of your posts you said he doesn't want to be intimate with you, but in this last one you said he will be upset because you won't make the first move. I find this weird. Is he just playing a sexual power game with you? Denying you when you make a move, but getting annoyed when you don't make a move? I'm a bit confused!