What to think.....

Grumpygit

OH & I had a "deep" conversation last night - prompted by me as I wanted to get to the bottom of certain things.

Our erm...bedroom activities haven't been good for a little while and he always makes snidey comments...."well, if you'll stop falling asleep on me" etc etc etc (when in reality 9/10 it will be him falling asleep!
But to get anything sexual, I always have to make the first move and it gets tiresome after a while and you want to feel desired and wanted as well.

So I thought I want to sort this so bought this up and although I am glad I did, in some ways I wish I hadn't as I just feel so alone now.

The upshot is, he says that he doesn't fancy me because I've put on a bit of weight from when we met (hence the lack of bedroom activity from his side)

I know that I have, but so has he even my mum commented on his weight gain last night!

The other thing is that he says he doesn't trust me (not in a cheating way) but just everything else ie money/not telling him what's going on etc etc

I just now feel alone and just don't know how to act around him now - I certainly don't feel affectionate anymore - this little voice in my head is saying don't get too close to him he may not want to cuddle a fatty!

All I have done this morning is cry.

When he left for work this morning he gave me a big hug and cuddle and kiss like normal, but I just don't know what to think or how to react.

I know that I called for the conversation and basically asked him to lay it on the line and I kind of figured that's what he was going to say but him saying it just made it real.

Whilst I do want to lose weight (for me) it will obviously have the desired effect on him (hopefully) but then, why should I lose weight just because he said I should!

I have all these conflicting issues going around in my head - voices from both sides

I don't know what I want, just to right it down I guess

xx

Sambucus_Nigra

How much weight are we talking? Are you married? How long have you been together?

You could lose the weight for you, tell him to get stuffed on the 'intimate' front and go find yourself someone who wants you for you regardless of weight.

CH27

At least he's been honest with you & you know where you stand.

It's now up to you to decide how to proceed. Do you want to turn things around or do you want out?

Mara69

I've been married to my husband for 20 years and I love him more today than I ever have. He has aged; of course we both have - but it doesn't affect my love for him or how much I fancy him. If he said that he didn't fancy me because I've put on weight, I'd have to seriously consider if this is the sort of relationship I want. A deep, long term relationship should be based on more than looks.

liney

Grumpygit wrote: »

The upshot is, he says that he doesn't fancy me because I've put on a bit of weight from when we met (hence the lack of bedroom activity from his side)

I know that I have, but so has he even my mum commented on his weight gain last night!

The other thing is that he says he doesn't trust me (not in a cheating way) but just everything else ie money/not telling him what's going on etc etc

Men are visual creatures, hence their fondness of !!!!!!. You want to lose weight, so lose weight and you are both onto a winner, however, I would question what his reaction would be if you mentioned the same thing to him? Would he make the same effort? And in his defence you have pushed him for the truth; he hasn't just popped him from work and announced he thinks you are fat.

In my eyes, the lack of trust would be more of a problem. Is he right? Lack of trust builds resentment, and that would have been the most important remark to me.

Nicki

I've been with my OH for 25 years and he has put on at least 6 stone in that period, and gone from normal weight to into the morbidly obese category. But although I wish he would do something about it for his own health's sake, it hasn't affected how I feel about him or made him less desirable. And being fair, I have gone up a couple of dress sizes in the same period though on a far lesser scale.

I'd be hurt too by what your partner said. I wonder whether he has other issues which he is concerned or embarrassed about and used this to deflect attention though. You don't say how old he is, but it's not uncommon for men in their forties to have a bit of a libido dip, especially if they are carrying some extra weight as you say your OH is. If he's worried about rising to the occasion, or being able to complete, then that might make him reluctant to initiate. He may not have actually failed at either yet, just be finding things a bit more difficult. If that's the case, his GP could probably help.

hazyjo

I honestly think 'for fatter or thinner' should be added to wedding vows!

I'm a size 18 and apart from a few body hangups, am pretty comfortable in my own skin as I've never had a problem attracting men. I've found it's about confidence and making the most of your 'assets'. I've got big boobs too and a small waist - happy with the top half, so try to keep the bits I'm not so keen on a bit more under wraps.

Are you dressing in the same sort of clothes that are showing off all the wrong bits, or are you dressing in baggy stuff to hide it? It's hard finding that happy medium, but there are some brilliant clothes out there. Since I accepted my size and wear the right clothes, it's amazing how many people have said 'OMG you've lost so much weight'. I think it's very easy to deceive people about your size!

Good luck with whatever decision you make. It's a tricky one. If you're happy as you are, fine, tell him to get stuffed. If you know he's right, it's been making you miserable, you've lost your confidence and are hiding under baggy clothes, do something about it.

Jx

peachyprice

It was unkind of him to say that to you, but as you said you did ask for honesty.

You say you know you've put on weight, but so has he. Did you say that to him? Perhaps you can turn this into a positive by suggesting you both lose weight together.

He may be feeling unattractive himself because he's a bit podgy and as Nicki said, anything that might lead to him underperforming is likely to stop him from trying in the first place.

peachyprice

Nicki wrote: »

I've been with my OH for 25 years and he has put on at least 6 stone in that period, and gone from normal weight to into the morbidly obese category. But although I wish he would do something about it for his own health's sake, it hasn't affected how I feel about him or made him less desirable.

Mine too

lostinrates

Hmm.

Weight is an issue for me, i put on a lot of weight when i got ill, and not very long after dh and i had met. Certainly early enough for him to duck out without any one thinking badly of him. I was trying not to eat to reduce weight gain, while dh and my doctors were saying i had to. I cried to dh and said i was repulsed by my body and didn't know how he could look at me, and he just laughed and said he would rather i was fat and alive and....he said, grinning, look at your breasts, they were good, they are now formidable!

I think that weight might be part of the issue, and possibly his own wieght bothers him as much but he cannot cope with that? It might even be impacting on his libido.

Personally, i would tackle it, but together. Mind you, get a head start....men tend to lose weight more quickly which can be dispiriting

BugglyB

I think you're being a little unfair, you asked for it straight up and honest and thats what you got. As you said, you already thought that might be the case so it's no surprise. If you didn't want to have your fears confirmed perhaps you shouldn't have asked.

Its quite unfair to say 'really, tell me how you honestly feel'
then say (or think) 'I can't believe you said that'

Sure, 'your partner should love you for who you are', but thats different to 'your partner should be turned on by you no matter what size you are'.

It sounds like there are perhaps other things in the relationship that are making you feel anxious, and in other ways your partner is not being very fair to you - this trust thing sounds odd.

I do know what it is to feel down about how you look and feel. You can change yourself - exercise and good health are good for your self esteem, your circulation, your heart, and your mood. Forget sex and do it for those reasons instead.