What to think.....

NAR

Judi wrote: »

Before i had my youngest son i went on a diet and lost 5 stone in a little over 12 months.
I really thought it would make myself more desirable to my husband. Sex was good but i honestly thought losing weight would make it even better.
It didnt make a scrap of difference.

Come on, you weren't trying hard enough! :rotfl: :rotfl:

System

NAR wrote: »

Come on, you weren't trying hard enough! :rotfl: :rotfl:

He got me pregnant, what more proof do you need?;)





Then i put on a stone and a half in 9 months :mad:

NAR

Judi wrote: »

He got me pregnant, what more proof do you need?;)
Then i put on a stone and a half in 9 months :mad:

Ah but you had the good sense not to do it again!

System

NAR wrote: »

Ah but you had the good sense not to do it again!

Yeah we stopped holding hands :rotfl:

Grumpygit

Dear all

Thanks for taking the time to answer

I know that I asked for honesty and do appreciate that he did tell me the truth rather than some random excuses - that's part way forward - I am not slating him for it - but it's still hurtful to have your suspicions confirmed.

The trust thing comes down to debt I had that I didn't tell him about - it wasn't just money spent on me but us (holidays etc) and then it came out and got settled (no debt now). he also says that I hide things from him and have secrets - but it's not the case - I am just not used to bearing my sole every day even to him and feeling stupid in telling him how I am feeling - he doesn't with me unless really pushed, so why should I?

The trust issue goes both ways with him texting/msn'g/calling an old girlfriend not once but several times (and I caught him each time) and he knows that as well and admits that there are trust issues on both sides.

The thing about the weight is, I was about the same size when we met but lost weight at first (honeymoon period etc) then have put it back on and off and on etc - we are not talking massive amounts either - I am an 18 (20 on top) and I am still wearing some clothes from back then so I can't have put a lot of weight on.....it's probably more down to where I have put it on.

I can guarantee that if I offered him a BJ he wouldn't say no, but I am not going to do that - he has to come to me now he also said a while ago that when I've made moves on him, he hasn't wanted to do anything but has done anyway just to keep the peace......how does that make me feel??

He's never had a problem in performing and hasn't recently either so that's not a problem

I agree with the for fat or thin being in the wedding vows - that would make things interesting!! lol

We are both in our early 40's.

My downfall with food, is nibbling and snacking on crisps (not so much choccie) but he is bad for that as well, I eat when I am happy and then don't when I am not (haven't eaten since Tuesday night) which I know is bad, but I just don't want to eat.

he doesn't like skinny women either - he prefers women with meat on their bones so to spite him I might just go down to a size 8 or less!! ha ha

Ahh - we will see what happens tonight - I just don't know how to react around him, don't know about touching him (not in an intimate way either) I just don't want to be pushed away which is what I am feeling now.

balletshoes

Grumpygit wrote: »

The trust thing comes down to debt I had that I didn't tell him about - it wasn't just money spent on me but us (holidays etc) and then it came out and got settled (no debt now). he also says that I hide things from him and have secrets - but it's not the case - I am just not used to bearing my sole every day even to him and feeling stupid in telling him how I am feeling - he doesn't with me unless really pushed, so why should I?

The trust issue goes both ways with him texting/msn'g/calling an old girlfriend not once but several times (and I caught him each time) and he knows that as well and admits that there are trust issues on both sides.

okay, it does sound a bit like deflection on your OH's part then, having read your post above.

If any of this "trust" stuff on both sides was going on until fairly recently, then its probably going to take time (for both of you) to regain trust in each other. And if he doesn't tell you the minutae of how he's feeling/what he's done all day every day it doesn't sound like he's being fair if he expects you to do that. I don't need or want to know what my OH has been up to/feeling every second he's awake, whats all that about?

Maybe for your OH, this was a lay-your-cards-on-the-table discussion, everything is now out in the open, and its business as usual. Thats not a bad thing, and none of it is a complete surprise to you.

But if either of these issues, the weight or the "trust" scenarios, are affecting your lives together, and you in particular are noticing it in the bedroom, or are unsure if you are wanted and appreciated in your relationship, then you both need to talk a bit more and find ways to deal with it. I don't think in this case, this is something you can fix on your own.

danielley

Hi OP

Just read through your posts and the replies. Firstly can I say that I think that you are being very brave, it can't have been easy to hear those things from your partner, but hopefully now it has been said you can try to tackle it.

I know that this isn't for everyone, but perhaps you could try some relationship counselling? From what you have said about your partner he may not be willing , but it may help to get to the root of any issues.

Good luck with everything and you do need to start eating - even if its just some soup!

x

Grumpygit

The trust issue on his part has been probably since mid 2010 when it came out about the debt - he obviously had problems with communication etc before then but didn't make an issue out of it where as now, he does bring it up - we had a bit of a bust up the other week about it and I have been proactive about talking about stuff etc. I know that it won't be cured overnight but I am trying.

My lack of trust in him happened just before we got married, carried on right after we got back from honeymoon and then came to a (final so he has promised) head in mid 2010 - not long after we bought our house (which is when my debt came out).

he does deflect "blame" on to me and always makes it out to be me having the problem and some times never fully explains himself (like the texting)

To be fair, I don't fancy relationship counselling either - they are not that good where we are

he sent me a text today apologising for saying those things and saying that it was hard to and that he loved me, which I can understand and appreciate even though I asked for it. I replied saying that it did hurt but I don't know how to be around him - did he still want hugs/cuddles etc and he said of course he did when we are watching tv etc.

I am dreading bed time now - but I am just going to let him to come to me now - I just can't bring myself to try it on with him when there will be a little voice in my head questioning whether he actually wants it or not

NAR

Good for him for texting, at least you are not going to be on tenterhooks waiting for him to come in and wonder what to say to each other. Good luck with tonight.

cottonhead

I think there is a massive positive from all of this. Thats that you were willing to ask his honest opinion and not hide from the truth and he was willing to be honest even if it might upset you. Thats pretty good. Not every couple can do that.
My husband hates my weight. I have gained 3 stone since we met. Trouble is I eat when I am down or stressed and its not easy for someoen who doenst do that to realise how hard it is to break the cycle. I resisted loosing weight as I didnt want to feel I was doing it because someone else said so. However I know if I was this size when I first met my husband he would not have fancied me so in a way I do feel I am letting him down. I think in a marriage you do have a responsibility to look good for each other. Thats why I have now decided to diet and also for health reasons as I have developed some bad side effects of weight gain too.
Why not do some sort of excercise together then ? actually sex is calorie buring so perhaps tell your husband you were researching weight loss when you read that having sex burns 200 calories ! Then see what he says to that ! Perhaps your energy and body confidence has lessened and you dont even realise. Not being confident in the bedroom is a turn off for most men so it could partly be that.
Dont feel pressurised tonight. Just make a casual comment and see what happens.