16 year old - Eating Issue

stebiz

StudioBeau wrote: »

I'm really sorry to be blunt here but: This is the problem. You are worried about her health and what is the thing you say - it will affect her a levels and uni, you are expecting her to do this and expecting her to do well, this is you putting pressure on her without even thinking about it.

Sorry if you read it wrong. What I meant to say, is if she continues into education, which she says she wants to do - as she wants to be a Doctor (her not me as I'm squeamish of anything like that, and can't stay in the room, even when casualty comes on :eek: ) then I am concerned that if she is prone to an eating disorder, and it isn't controlled now, it will affect her at her A levels or Uni.

StudioBeau

stebiz wrote: »

Sorry if you read it wrong. What I meant to say, is if she continues into education, which she says she wants to do - as she wants to be a Doctor (her not me as I'm squeamish of anything like that, and can't stay in the room, even when casualty comes on :eek: ) then I am concerned that if she is prone to an eating disorder, and it isn't controlled now, it will affect her at her A levels or Uni.

No, I quoted exactly what you wrote. I didn't read it wrong.

Now glance down to the second bolded item. Huge problem.

You are trying to control her (as proven with the big row about being a vegetarian) and you are putting a lot of pressure on her.

I know you don't want to admit it, but the quicker you do, the easier it will be for her to talk to you and get help if she does have a problem.

Let her know you are there for her. Leave her alone apart from that. She is 16, the tighter you hug, the harder she will pull away. If you let her go and let her live and let her thrive, she will come to you when she needs you.

stebiz

We'll have to agree to disagree. I may have made mistakes. Probably still will but I quote

it will only affect her with A levels and Uni.

meaning she has said she is going to carry on studying. Not me saying that.

and it isn't controlled now

I never said I want to control her. I mean she needs to be in control of it herself.:(

Anyway she will get hugs, and I'll keep an eye on her as per my previous post.

scrappie_2

I dont think there is anything 'wrong' with your daughter not wanting to eat meat, it probably just came as a bit of a shock the way the rest of the family were informed of her decision.

Why not sit down with her, explain that you know the next couple of months will be tough and the rest of the family really want to help her through that time. But she must understand that if she is to pass these exams she will need to feed her brain on more than a apple. Might be worth looking into additional supplements that might be needed in the first instance??

I would pull some recipes off the net - or ask her to go on-line and select a few that take her fancy. If the rest of the family are willing to 'go veggie' a night or two a week, she gets so selct the order in which you all try out these new dishes.

I think it's more about making this such a 'non-issue' that she doesn't regard it as one.

Portion size it a whole differnt ball game. My friend had a ED and the way her family dealt with it at one stage was to give her a smaller sized plate - so at first glance nobody would notice that she was eating half the ammount of the others at the table. A huge plate with little on it will always bring out the 'is that all you're having' from concerned parents.

Hope all goes well for you all.

Buttonmoons

To be honest, I see where Stebiz is coming from. She presumably hadn't made any requests or mentioned being vegetarian before lent, it's a convienent time to "give up" something. He's already mentioned she has said she can't eat a whole meal (Ok neither can my 6yr old eat a ladel of pasta and 1 meatball) but I'm assuming since she's been living with him for 16years, he knows and notices the difference in the amount she is consuming.

A packet of animal biscuits isn't a lunch, nor is an apple! She has also mentioned the amount of weight she has lost. Plus "willpower" to give up meat. Im assuming meat is featured in most of your meals at home since no-one else is a vegetarian, so it would be an easy way of ditching half your meal in one go. Oh beef stew is it? I'll just have the potatoes....

As someone who suffers with bulmia, this is the sort of thing I would and have done. "Sorry, no chocolate/crisps/sweets/pasta for me I'm on atkins" and then secretly binge on a night with all the stuff and then purge.

There is a lot of pressure on women and teenagers to conform to certain "look" it's unavoidable with the media, always a diet in every magazine.

From what Stebiz has written, I can see similaritys, but obviously if it was an ED his daughter is developing it would be anorexia, which is not something I can relate too as I love to eat food, it's just the guilt and lack of control shown afterwards that sends me to the toilet.

Anyways, I hope this is maybe just one of those teenage things Stebiz, and if she gives up meat, its not a big deal, but if she is purposely skipping meals, only eating tiny amounts, it would cause me a lot of concern (as a parent)

suki1001

My 11 year old daughter is vegetarian. All it means is we cook with a seperate pan. For example we did curry the other night, we cooked the same sauce, but added more veg and a tin of green lentils to the veggie one.

There are plenty of meals, jacket potato's with filling, pasta bake etc which you can easily adapy either way.

I always have tins of greeen lentils and bags of dried apricots, because they are good for vege diets.

I remember being 16 as the worst time. I got criticised on my eating habits all the time. I got accused of being anorexic. The fact was I was a very slow eater and I now see it as a good thing that I found it impossible to eat my way through a whole marathon and I could never drink a whole can of coke, just meant I had a smaller appetite.

I now wish I still had that small appetite! Our portion sizes are so large, if you look at the Swiss, they have tiny portions in comparison.

I think a lot of 16 year olds feel unloved, I certainly did and confrontation adds to that feeling, so maybe if you are going to tell her you are concerned, show it by completely emphasising how much you do love her and how wonderful she is.

Millie2008_2

Echo Buttonmoons

Just to add that I have experience of ED as both a sufferer and from working in the field and I would advise a chat with your GP at this point. If it is an ED, then the earlier it is recognised and treated, the better. If it is a "phase" then sometimes a kind word from a GP/nurse, together with some family support might be sufficient to help her to think differently about her diet.

If she wants to go to med school, she needs to be well enough to do 5+ years of uni and she will not be able to do this if she is malnourished. I had a student forced to take a leave of absence from her med course a few years ago because of an ED. Sadly, she ended up withdrawing in the end. I also knew a girl being treated as an inpatient in hospital who had dropped out of her medical degree

Echo also the suggestion to contact Beat- they are brilliant!

fluffnutter

DylanO wrote: »

If she's getting enough nutrition then she'll be fine...

stebiz wrote: »

The problem is she isn't getting enough nutrition from other sources...

How can she be?

At 16 I assume she's not eating separately to the family. If you base your meals around meat (and it sounds like you do) then she's not going to be getting enough nutrition, as your sources of protein and many vitamins won't be available to her.

Perhaps you could try accepting her diet choices and start thinking about ways to introduce protein rich foods to the family diet that aren't meat-based. That way you'll be respecting her and ensuring she gets the nutrition she needs. You can't just force her to eat meat.

If she refuses to eat full stop then it's time to think about some professional advice.

clairec79

Leave the no meat issue, that's her choice - saying she needs to ensure her meals are balanced (ie she can't just cut the meat out of the family meal and just have potato and carrot) is fine.

At 16 I had an eating disorder, for me it was nothing about losing weight - although had you asked me at the time I may have said it was, as it's 'acceptable' for a teenage girl to claim she's on a diet - it was all about control.
I was sexually assaulted (I never told my parents, only a few people knew) and food was one of the few things I could gain control in.

Unfortunately I don't know how to advise you to help her, for me I had to hit rock bottom (which was when the smell of a rich tea biscuit being snapped in half made me vomit - I hadn't eaten for about 36hours at that point) before I was willing to help myself - and I don't think I would have taken any help off anyone else)

DVardysShadow

stebiz wrote: »

I ..... On the 41st day we had a big argument, as I'd done a roast, and she said she no longer wanted to eat meat. In the end, I did all but force her to eat it (banning phones,laptop etc)

....

Am I going OTT?:(

stebiz wrote: »

..... I don't think I'm a control freak, otherwise I wouldn't have taken her to our corner supermarket 20 minutes ago, and asked her to choose ANY meal for tonight, and ANY breakfast, for in the morning.

I know nothing about eating disorders. But I am well convinced that what you did at Easter was incredibly damaging - the kind of thing which you will never be able to quite undo. And taking her to the corner supermarket is more of the same. And for the large part, it is you controlling her.

As I understand it, control has a lot to do with eating disorders. So if you try to control her eating and she is minded to control it for herself, about the only way she can 'have control' is to do the opposite of what you say. Taking her to the corner supermarket is I am afraid, more control.

I think the only way forward is a family based therapy where you accept you need to change.