Hubby left and barely seeing his kids

WickedWitch123

Hi all
I'm hoping to keep this brief so as not to bore you. Basically hubby of 21 years walked out last year leaving me and his 2 children (4 and 14). Although i've now accepted that our marriage was over and am moving on with my life i'm really struggling with the fact that he hardly ever sees his kids. They originally both used to go for 1 night a week but mid last year our eldest decided she didn't want to see him anymore and hasn't done so. The youngest still goes and i've managed to increase this to twice a week. However, i drop her off at 5pm Saturday night and he brings her back after church at lunchtime Sunday morning (so not exactly quality time spent).

I know that this is affecting our older child but she has just shut down and doesn't want to talk (not helped by being a teenager). He makes very little effort to contact her or speak to her. He texts occasionally but that's it. I try to gently encourage her to speak to him but I guess she's old enough to make this decision.

Do you think I should just leave things to see how they pan out? I'm desperately worried about the affect this is having on our eldest. Is there something else I should be doing?? Am I over-worrying? Any advice appreciated.
Wickedwitch

WickedWitch123

Wow - 268 views and no responses suggests that I am overworrying. Perhaps my post was too vague.

SkintGypsy

Some people just aren't great at being Dads. My own Dad was disinterested when we all lived at home, and now he and Mum have separated and we have all left home we barely see or hear from him. I love him, and I enjoy his company, but he just isn't interested in being a Dad or Grandad. I feel sad for your little one, but I suspect for your oldest the juice simply isn't worth the squeeze. You can't force a relationship if he isn't prepared to bother his !!!!.

For what it's worth, my Mum makes up for having practically no Dad.

CH27

Was your eldest close to her dad before he left?

sausageface

Have you spoken to their Dad about your views? If your youngest sees him twice a week when is the other time?

14 is a difficult age for children in separated families, they would rather be off doing things with their friends than visiting parents most of the time. If this is the case then the Dad needs to approach the daughter and find out what she wants to do with him, when she would prefer to do it - maybe a get together on a week night? I don't mean to pander to your daughter but it would only make the situation worse if your daughter was to kick up a teenage fuss about him ruining her social life or such like.

I hope they sort it out and it sounds like the Dad should be making more of an effort with your eldest.

Wilma33

Rather than trying to encourage your DD to make contact with her dad, might you have more luck trying to encourage him to make more effort? Possibly not, but at least if you encourage them both then you have tried your best!

Wilma33

How far away does he live? Could you arrange a set night were she always goes to his for dinner (or they go out for dinner)? That might be much more appealing to a teenager than having to stay the night.

POPPYOSCAR

WickedWitch123 wrote: »

Hi all
I'm hoping to keep this brief so as not to bore you. Basically hubby of 21 years walked out last year leaving me and his 2 children (4 and 14). Although i've now accepted that our marriage was over and am moving on with my life i'm really struggling with the fact that he hardly ever sees his kids. They originally both used to go for 1 night a week but mid last year our eldest decided she didn't want to see him anymore and hasn't done so. The youngest still goes and i've managed to increase this to twice a week. However, i drop her off at 5pm Saturday night and he brings her back after church at lunchtime Sunday morning (so not exactly quality time spent).

I know that this is affecting our older child but she has just shut down and doesn't want to talk (not helped by being a teenager). He makes very little effort to contact her or speak to her. He texts occasionally but that's it. I try to gently encourage her to speak to him but I guess she's old enough to make this decision.

Do you think I should just leave things to see how they pan out? I'm desperately worried about the affect this is having on our eldest. Is there something else I should be doing?? Am I over-worrying? Any advice appreciated.
Wickedwitch

Have you discussed this with your ex? Have you expressed your concerns to him? Have you asked him to have the children more often/ longer at a time?Is there any good reason why he does not have your youngest until 5.00pm?

Yes 14 is a very difficult age and they go through a lot of emotions but it is for her father to contact her and ask to see her. Perhaps he could ring her and just pop out with her now and again to the cinema or for a meal out etc. rather than her staying over.Even if she says no, at least she will feel that he still cares enough to ask.

delain

Is it him taking DD to church, or do you go whilst she's at his? Could be he just wants to show her off so to speak.

Try asking him to pick her up Saturday morning and arm her with a picnic she helped make to have outside with daddy and some duck bread!

WickedWitch123

CH27 wrote: »

Was your eldest close to her dad before he left?

Hi, no they weren't particularly. He always tried but more out of duty than any natural affection. I guess i expected this to carry on when he left (its better than nothing) but i was wrong.

Wilma33

delain wrote: »

Is it him taking DD to church, or do you go whilst she's at his? Could be he just wants to show her off so to speak.

I also wondered if he wants to show the people at church what a great dad he is(!).