Hubby left and barely seeing his kids

WickedWitch123

Seanymph wrote: »

nearlyrich is bang on right - I want an applause button rather than a 'like' one, but it's not comfortable.

Your eldest has enough realisation to know she is being rejected, and is taking the power away from him in her own way. Your youngest lacks the emotional knowledge so far to make that choice.

Stop forcing your eldest or making an issue of it - you are only increasing her awareness that she has the responsibility to force a relationship with a man who doestn' care.

He's not right - I have an ex like it - it makes him a complete !!!! - but you can't make another adult act in a considerate manner towards children, and forcing them upon him only makes it more apparent and the rejection more obvious and drawn out.

I compensated for my ex for years, and made excuses, and tried to encourage the kids to phone and keep contact........ and eventually sat with them as they sobbed through is continued rejection.

My youngest (17) now makes no investment in him at all. Her older sister asks to see him (18) but generally gets nowhere.

They both break their heart over him regularly.

I do not make it their problem, encourage them, or talk to him. I console them, tell them they are fantastic and he's an !!!!, and share their hopes that when he and his g/f seperate he will be more interested in his children.

You cannot change this situation - just support your children as they deal with it, and make their time with you so interesting that his time has less power.

My ex moved to Canada with his 'g/f' - and didn't even warn me. Didn't tell me he was going to announce it to the children - I didn't know he was thinking of it.

THey visited one weekend, came back obviously 'putting on a brave face' and as he drove off collapsed. It feels looking back like they cried until about Tuesday.

They see him about every 18 months if they are lucky and he calls about once a month.

HER children fly backwards and forwards to visit their other parents all the time - she doesn't work - he pays - but HIS kids aren't welcome apparently.

Yet hers were expelled from school, take drugs, dont' hold down jobs.....

His are doing A levels and the eldest is off to university and they have both worked since they were 14.

His loss.

But standing by and watching them in that world of pain is so hard. Unfortunately it's the only option you have long term.

Hold them, love them, be insulated from him and try and insulate them from him. And know that in time it will be his loss.

This is really good advice, thank you so much. I have been trying to force a relationship that neither of them want. She's old enough to make this decision and maybe when she's not having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of her teenager years a relationship may develop.

WickedWitch123

pimento wrote: »

Are there any paternal grandparents who might get involved?

I have tried grandparents but they've never really been hands-on and now they're frightened to do the wrong thing.

pmlindyloo

I really wonder if this is more of a teenager thing than anything.

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go to see her dad anymore?

Is it because 'it's boring there - nothing to do etc etc'.

A lot of teenagers do go through the phase of just wanting to be with their friends and the 'oldies' are boring!

I really wouldn't worry. Just try and keep the lines of communication open. She's probably too tied up with her own self at the moment to worry about anything else, especially if she has a boyfriend.