Hubby left and barely seeing his kids

delain

WickedWitch123 wrote: »

Yes he takes her to church on a Sunday morning and then drops her off straight after. I don't think that going to church for 2 hours is spending quality time with your daughter (just my opinion). He can't even give her her lunch before bringing her back.

I also wouldn't consider it quality time, I didn't mean to imply that i did, hence the picnic suggestion.

My dad only texts or emails me, haven't seen him since I was 4.

And definitely tell his parents that they can maintain a relationship via you whether your ex is speaking to them or not!

WickedWitch123

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

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If he has had some kind of breakdown then I would not worry about the children spending more time with him tbh!.

I do not understand why his parents would be frightened to lose contact with their grandchildren? Surely they could maintain that through you?

Oh absolutely and i've told them that more than once. They have no worries in relation to that. I would never withhold their grandchildren from them.

nearlyrich

I went through a divorce when my two were young, my ex was rubbish at access and all things parent, he used to just not turn up or come late without any call. My DD was not treated the same as her brother and she felt unwanted and she didn't want to go so he just cut her off as if she was an adult who had slighted him, she was about 9 at the time. He never sent her even a card on her birthday and age 25 she has no relationship with him.

In my opinion it was not my responsibility to make him see the error of his ways, I tried to encourage her to have a relationship with him but he was the adult and I had no way of making him treat her how I thought she should be treated. I think you should back off and let him do whatever he wants to do make sure your eldest knows that you love her and that for whatever reason her dad is not there for her but she has not caused the problem, if you can refrain from making him the bad boy you will probably find that she is fine.

WickedWitch123

nearlyrich wrote: »

I went through a divorce when my two were young, my ex was rubbish at access and all things parent, he used to just not turn up or come late without any call. My DD was not treated the same as her brother and she felt unwanted and she didn't want to go so he just cut her off as if she was an adult who had slighted him, she was about 9 at the time. He never sent her even a card on her birthday and age 25 she has no relationship with him.

In my opinion it was not my responsibility to make him see the error of his ways, I tried to encourage her to have a relationship with him but he was the adult and I had no way of making him treat her how I thought she should be treated. I think you should back off and let him do whatever he wants to do make sure your eldest knows that you love her and that for whatever reason her dad is not there for her but she has not caused the problem, if you can refrain from making him the bad boy you will probably find that she is fine.

Nearlyrich thank you for sharing your experience. I just don't understand how someone can have no natural affection for their own offspring. Its just so alien to me but I guess thats the reality for lots of people.

I think your advice to back off is good - i've tried it before but i'm determined to do it this time. I just want what's best for my 2 girls. I have completely over compensated for him not being here for them. I'll be paying for last years birthdays and Christmas for evermore but i'll try to ease off this year and just be there for them emotionally. If they can see i'm happy and less stressed that can only be good for us all.

doglover123_2

My parents got divorced when I was about 10.

I've still managed to keep a relationship with my dad although it has been tough at times.

I think it sounds like he needs to make more of an effort to talk to her - nothing more annoying when your 14 and having to do all the work to keep the relationship with your dad going!!

Now i'm a bit older and have a steady relationship with my dad but even now we speak roughly once a month and I only see him roughly twice a year.

Don't force her to do anything she does'nt want to as she will just end up more reluctant to see him.
Maybe in the long term she can build a relationship with him but for now its best to let her to make up her own mind.

Hope thats been helpful

krlyr

WickedWitch123 wrote: »

Not that i know of but ive really no way of knowing.

Is there any chance he could have another woman and your daughter perhaps knows, or has an inkling?

I've been in a similar situation, but as the daughter - not quite 14, I was about 16. My dad started having an affair - with a good friend of mine (not far off my age!) and although I didn't know about it initially, the friend was constantly boasting about her new boyfriend, how great the sex was, etc. while my dad was going mysteriously AWOL in the evenings - I'd need a lift home from college, for example, and have to wait an hour for him to turn up (later found out he was ferrying her around to and from work, taking her to pick her little kid up from the childminder, etc)
My mum got a feeling there was another woman involved (wasn't the first time) but decided it was the final straw, we were all old enough to understand why he was leaving this time, so he was out for good. Not long after that I ended up finding out about the new girlfriend - had an argument with my mum about something, stormed out, insisted my dad pick me up so I could stay at his and ended up being told literally on the doorstep that he was living at this new flat with my friend. Quite a slap in the face!
Anyway, I stayed there (think I was in a bit of shock and not quite at the horrified stage yet) and my dad kept encouraging me to not tell my mum. I'd have to leave the flat to answer her phone calls, lie about who was there, etc. and my dad manipulated me into it by trying to convince me my mum was crazy, that she'd overreact, etc. - it was during a frank conversation later with my mum that I learnt he'd tried the same tactics with her when she'd suspected the previous affairs.
Anyway, the whole thing brought to light what a manipulative man he was and when me and my mum patched things up, I didn't want anything to do with him. I still don't, 8 years on. Have to sum this up quickly as my laptop battery is flashing warnings - but my point is, sometimes as a child we realise our fatherly figure isn't all he's cracked up to be. I don't like him as a person and don't feel obliged to have a relationship with him, and I appreciate that my mum doesn't push me to, like some relatives try. Give your daughter time, she may well make up with him in the future but she may not, but she may well appreciate being given the chance to make up her own mind.

mintymoneysaver

I have very recently separated from my husband. Mutual decision, very amicable ( Long story, but basically I didn't like him any more and he didn't blame me! He doesn't really like himself...) Anyway, I have an 18 and 14 year old. I'm going to be interested to see ow their relationship pans out. He's a good dad, but I'm already starting to feel like they'll have to fit in with his social life ( part of the initial problem ) rather than him fitting in round theirs...

Seanymph

nearlyrich is bang on right - I want an applause button rather than a 'like' one, but it's not comfortable.

Your eldest has enough realisation to know she is being rejected, and is taking the power away from him in her own way. Your youngest lacks the emotional knowledge so far to make that choice.

Stop forcing your eldest or making an issue of it - you are only increasing her awareness that she has the responsibility to force a relationship with a man who doestn' care.

He's not right - I have an ex like it - it makes him a complete !!!! - but you can't make another adult act in a considerate manner towards children, and forcing them upon him only makes it more apparent and the rejection more obvious and drawn out.

I compensated for my ex for years, and made excuses, and tried to encourage the kids to phone and keep contact........ and eventually sat with them as they sobbed through is continued rejection.

My youngest (17) now makes no investment in him at all. Her older sister asks to see him (18) but generally gets nowhere.

They both break their heart over him regularly.

I do not make it their problem, encourage them, or talk to him. I console them, tell them they are fantastic and he's an !!!!, and share their hopes that when he and his g/f seperate he will be more interested in his children.

You cannot change this situation - just support your children as they deal with it, and make their time with you so interesting that his time has less power.

My ex moved to Canada with his 'g/f' - and didn't even warn me. Didn't tell me he was going to announce it to the children - I didn't know he was thinking of it.

THey visited one weekend, came back obviously 'putting on a brave face' and as he drove off collapsed. It feels looking back like they cried until about Tuesday.

They see him about every 18 months if they are lucky and he calls about once a month.

HER children fly backwards and forwards to visit their other parents all the time - she doesn't work - he pays - but HIS kids aren't welcome apparently.

Yet hers were expelled from school, take drugs, dont' hold down jobs.....

His are doing A levels and the eldest is off to university and they have both worked since they were 14.

His loss.

But standing by and watching them in that world of pain is so hard. Unfortunately it's the only option you have long term.

Hold them, love them, be insulated from him and try and insulate them from him. And know that in time it will be his loss.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'd back off from forcing the relationship and offer the grandparents time with them instead; and if they don't take up the offer just let them get on with it.

pimento

Are there any paternal grandparents who might get involved?