Pregnant. How are we going to manage??????

hobo28

Hi Giles

When I first read your original story I saw a lot of similarities with me ten years ago. I had only been out of uni for about a year when I got my (then) GF pregnant. We'd only been going out for 9 months and to be honest I was actually thinking about dumping her at the time.

Anyway, we didn't terminate and we're glad we didn't. I think for me the bottom line was I didn't want to be bimbling about wondering what may have been. Every family I saw, I'd be thinking "Wonder what it would have been like....."

At the start, I earned peanuts and we lived in my mum's house. At one point I was even supporting my GF's two sisters who had nowhere else to go after their mum died. I earned a fraction of what I do now and we could barely afford to run a car, let alone buy our own place. But hey we were young, innocent and we survived.

Its been a rollercoaster ride. I think all parents will know what I mean. Being a parent involves sacrifices you will never understand until you do become a parent.

I've lost track of the money I've spent so far on the kids and am terrified about how the hell I'm going to afford university etc.

BUT the pluses are again indescribable. Just a smile, a hug, it makes all the sacrifices worthwhile. The unconditional love. Just watching my daughter walk into school some days makes me SO proud.

Of course there are bad days too. Some stomach churning days especially when they're ill. And some days where I'm told in no uncertain terms that I'm a terrible father for making them eat fruit and vegetables!

Occasionally I do wonder what my life would be if I didn't have children. A friend of mine earns similar money and doesn't have children. He has so much cash in the bank he really doesn't know what to do with it. But I wouldn't swap for his life.

I respect whichever decision you both make but just wanted to offer another perspective from someone who chose the other path. Yes it will be hard but its definitely worth it.

vics_1982

Hi Giles,

I have been following this thread and have decided to share our experience,
I too had a termination last year, it was a very hard decision, but myself and partner are very career orinentated (sp). I'm studying for my Accounts acca course and was 23 at the time, It was a really hard decision, unfortunatly my pill failed for the first time in our 4 year relationship and we didn't find out until i was 8 weeks, it was a reallt tough decision but one that had to be made, we just didn't have the time or money for a newborn and like you would want to be able to give it everything, time money etc.

I won't lie and say i'm over it, it was and still is tough, all of a sudden there are loads of babies about and after you have the termination there are loads more children about. i had to have the op, but i believe if under 9 weeks you get 2 pills on seperate days to slowly disperse. We hit a rocky patch of resentment about 2 months afterwards, from my boyfriend, i would advise counselling, we didn't have it but should of.

Sending you lots of hugs, go with what you both feel is right and keep talking all the way through. Get as much support as possible.

HTH,
Vics
xx

Jo_R_2

I can't tell you how many thoughts and emotions have run through my mind since reading yr posts Giles_81. I can see both sides having been there, done it and got the t-shirt so to speak! I think you are being very honest and upfront about how you feel and that is only to be commended.

I think at the end of the day despite all the thoughts around whether you can afford it, whether you have room, whether it will get in the way of your careers and so on, the ultimate question really is, looking to your heart, do you want to have this baby? Disregard any other concerns - I can tell you a good friend told me when I was pg with DD1 that so may people worry about how they will afford a baby, but somehow you manage. And she was right. I still have my uni debts sat there smiling at me and rubbing their hands but in my heart I wanted my two children despite us not being in the place I had imagined - imagined being at least 30 when having my first child, in a full-time career role, with a mortgage and married - I was actually 25, sharing a rented house with my best male friend (not the dad LOL!) and working in the job that had gotten me through uni whilst I was applying for graduate positions. We were scared and anxious but we did it, we look at that decision every day and I never regret it. It does add a new dimension to your life but doesn't mean you 'give up' the socialising, going out, travelling - children can be minded and can travel quite easily!

But I know the other side of the coin and it was the right decision for me AT THAT TIME... I wouldn't do it again though. I do sit and wonder what the baby would be like now and how life would be different but hey, I made that decision... In my heart then I had no desire whatsoever to be a parent, not meaning to sound heartless but it just didn't stir anything in me. Maybe you feel like that?

Just see if you can picture your life with your lady and a baby, given your current circumstances. Does it appear happy and rosy? Do you feel that stir, the mix of excitement and passion of bringing a new life into the world? Or the opposite?

Look to your heart and that will tell you.

geekgirl

Giles_81 wrote: »

I mean the weekend social life will be right out of the window wont it??

No it won't. When I had my first baby I was 21 and in a punk band. Usually doing gigs at the weekends and sometimes during the week. At first I had to spend a lot of time concentrating on my daughter as I breastfed her and needed to be around. But once she was sleeping through the night, which didn't take long I hasten to add, I got a good babysitter. When you get a good babysitter you treat them like royalty and pay them well, it is one expense that no matter how much money you want to save is money well spent. They are your key to keeping your social life.
3 kids later (and I am about to become a grandmother) I am so pleased with my lot, we never had a lot of money but you know, it pales into insignificance to what you gain from your children.

Relax, deep breath and get ready for the rollercoaster of life, its fun!!!


I replied before I read to the end of the posts. So above is not really relevant anymore.
You will make the right decision for you both, it is your decision to make. Good luck.

grahamliza4

Well I think Timmne's comments show a lack of understanding if not a lack of several other things too....

If a baby is not a baby until birth how is it possible for babies to be born prematurely at 22 weeks and survive? My friends little girl born at 30 weeks and all fine, my neice at 35 weeks and she went home three days later. You are saying these children were not valid while in the womb, even though capable of surviving out of it?

Giles, I think misspenny has made a lot of good points. Maybe PM her and probe further - I'm sure as a Moneysaver she'd be willing to share budgeting tips with you re bursaries etc.

Ten years into the future if you actually had a child and suddenly lost your job and were struggling badly for money, you wouldn't think ''oh i can't provide enough for my child, I'll just get rid', would you?'

If you are leaning towards a termination why are you moving to a bigger house? Surely the point of that extra room is a place for the little one?

I respect this is 100% your descision and essentially none of my business but having seen couples go through terminations for the sake of their careers I must say I have not come across one person who thinks the sacrifice was worth it.

Your career will not make you smile, your career will not love you unconditionally, your career will not visit you when you are old.

If you remember my earlier post and also the PM I sent you, what I didnt mention is at first my OH tried to persuede me to have an abortion. Although this was only for the first week after he found out, and afterwards he put it down to shock, pressure from his mother, etc. Even now I am still unable to fully forgive him for some of the the things he said. I simply cannot get my head round the fact that he would have had our baby killed (Yes come on, shoot me down, I'm pro-life and proud:T ), and yes, that is what I see it as. Had a scan at eight weeks and I could see Bens heart beating away.

I have seen a severe case of PND in the wife of a friend who had a termination five years ago to save her career, now she has had another baby she cannot cope with what she did to her first one and the grandparents care for the child while she sits in the dark all day crying. She says she is now mourning the first baby.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, it IS your descision alone to make.

Sorry if I offend - I don't mean to. But my beliefs on this are very strong and I cannot sit here, read that and say nothing.

Right, let the tirade commence. I know I stand pretty much alone in my beliefs and I am well prepared for what others may have to say on the subject.

Curious_George_2

grahamliza4 wrote: »

I am not trying to make you feel bad

your not doing a good job of making him feel good either.... :rolleyes:
decisions like this are hard enough without practically being told that your a baby killer, what a terrible thing to say to someone.
im almost disgusted about the level of emotional blackmail in your post.

the only advice i can give the OP is maybe you would be better off making the choice between you and not involving your parents, you sound like you have almost decided... what if they all get really excited about a grandchild?
wont that make it harder for you??

good luck with whatever you choose,
and please.... if your going ahead with the abortion, do it asap.

UKTigerlily

grahamliza4 wrote: »

Well I think Timmne's comments show a lack of understanding if not a lack of several other things too....

If a baby is not a baby until birth how is it possible for babies to be born prematurely at 22 weeks and survive? My friends little girl born at 30 weeks and all fine, my neice at 35 weeks and she went home three days later. You are saying these children were not valid while in the womb, even though capable of surviving out of it?

Giles, I think misspenny has made a lot of good points. Maybe PM her and probe further - I'm sure as a Moneysaver she'd be willing to share budgeting tips with you re bursaries etc.

Ten years into the future if you actually had a child and suddenly lost your job and were struggling badly for money, you wouldn't think ''oh i can't provide enough for my child, I'll just get rid', would you?'

If you are leaning towards a termination why are you moving to a bigger house? Surely the point of that extra room is a place for the little one?

I respect this is 100% your descision and essentially none of my business but having seen couples go through terminations for the sake of their careers I must say I have not come across one person who thinks the sacrifice was worth it.

Your career will not make you smile, your career will not love you unconditionally, your career will not visit you when you are old.

If you remember my earlier post and also the PM I sent you, what I didnt mention is at first my OH tried to persuede me to have an abortion. Although this was only for the first week after he found out, and afterwards he put it down to shock, pressure from his mother, etc. Even now I am still unable to fully forgive him for some of the the things he said. I simply cannot get my head round the fact that he would have had our baby killed (Yes come on, shoot me down, I'm pro-life and proud:T ), and yes, that is what I see it as. Had a scan at eight weeks and I could see Bens heart beating away.

I have seen a severe case of PND in the wife of a friend who had a termination five years ago to save her career, now she has had another baby she cannot cope with what she did to her first one and the grandparents care for the child while she sits in the dark all day crying. She says she is now mourning the first baby.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, it IS your descision alone to make.

Sorry if I offend - I don't mean to. But my beliefs on this are very strong and I cannot sit here, read that and say nothing.

Right, let the tirade commence. I know I stand pretty much alone in my beliefs and I am well prepared for what others may have to say on the subject.

It is your decision, but I agree with the above post & also with someone who said don't involve the grandparents or something similar? I won't say much as I appreciate this isn't easy for you, but i'd love kids & see them as a blessing, end of the day it IS a life & I mainly don't agree with abortion tho everyones entitled to their opinion & I admire your honesty & hope whatever you decide you get through this

alyth

OP, do what you think is right - it was abundantly clear from your original post that you felt uncomfortable at the idea of having a child, not everyone wants children, not everyone can embrace pregnancy with joy, you and your girlfriend sound as if you have discussed this night and day, and come to a decision that you feel is right for you. I had an abortion 6 years ago, it was the right thing to do FOR ME, I am still with my partner, and to be honest I rarely think about it. What upset me more was the anti-abortionists outside the clinic ranting and shouting at me as I went in that day. I'm not a particularly vocal person, but I believe that everyone has the right to make a decision that is right by them, and not have to justify what they do.

I'm of that age where if I want to have children I need to have them now - I am the least maternal person ever, I actually can't stand even being in a room with a child. What someone said to me once, imagine your life now, then imagine doing those things with a child in tow - if you can picture yourself going shopping, etc with your baby then having children is right for you - if you can't imagine how you would cope/deal with children in your life then it's not right for you at that moment. Perhaps you will change your mind, perhaps you won't, please do whatever you feel is right for you and your partner, only you two can decide what you want to do. My partner was absolutely behind me, in fact having spoken about it over the years we feel it kick-started what was a new life for us, as we were faced with decisions we hadn't had to choose before, this is only my personal experience of what I went through, I know how you're feeling now, as I'm sure others do, and my only advice to you would be to go with your girlfriend when she has the termination if that's what she chooses - if nothing else, apart from her emotions, she will be a bit shaky and sore, and will need looking after for a couple of days.