Pregnant. How are we going to manage??????

Giles_81

Hi there,

My OH and I have just had the news that she is pregnant. It was a major shock, and TBH I am not happy about it. We have just bought our first house together (will be moving in in the next couple of months, previously rented) with a large mortgage and I just don't know how we are going to be able to afford a baby, and look after it the way i would want to look after my first child. I graduated from med school last september, she is a student nurse with a tiny bursary coming in, and i just feel things would be far better if this happened in 5-10yrs time. She's only 22, and has still got a year left of training (if she ever decides to go back to it after having the baby that is), and I'm still finding my feet as a pre-reg house officer and the last thing i think i need is a screaming baby during the night!!!
I don't want or mean to sound matter of fact or calous, but in my opinion having a child is a massive step and i just feel like this is going to be it forever for me now, no freedom or independence. She's not ecstatic about the news, but shes warming to the idea where as i just can't seem to. Its so hard, and obviously i don't want her to go through a termination, but seriously I do not know how we are going to be able to feed and clothe this baby. And look after it properly, when i planned on having kids I wanted the OH to be able to stay off work for as long as she wanted, or stop working all together if thats what she wanted. That option just isn't there now.
I love her greatly, but i am just not ready for children...........looks like i'm going to have be now though. I'm aware this is a consequence of my actions (it takes two and all that) but i just feel kind of suffocated with the news.
Please help anyone with words of advice!!!! is it normal to feel like this at first??????

heather38

yes it's normal. i felt like that and my baby was planned!
it's a huge shock to find out that you are going to be a parent, it's scary, daunting, exciting and anything else you can think of.
give it time, don't force it, your excitement will come when it sinks in.
when you have your first scan and see that baby then all of a sudden the penny will drop and once it's born... well the'res no feeling like it.
don't worry about the money babies DO NOT need all the expensive things that you are told you need. ok you might want the best but baby wont care so long as it has milk and a clean bum.
believe me you will cope, you have to.

carly

Its completely normal, most people feel like this. Unless it is a planned pregnancy the enormity of the situation sends most right minded people into shock. Dont say or do anything rash ( dont forget her hormones will be all over the place too, leaving her more emotional than you ) . Let the news sink in and then go through all your options when you have found out all the details of how having a baby will affect her career plans etc. good luck.

abbecer

You will surprise yourself. You will cope well. We moved into a house with double the mortgage and one month later i was pregnant. I worked with violent patients so due to this i had to leave my job. Got a low paid job in a care home, which paid £800 less. We panicked big style. I am proud of how we have managed. We have a good life with our now 2 boys. We go out for meals go on loads of trips and they have everything they need. We just don't waste money and try to get the best deals on everything we spend.

Good luck with your future. You will never look back once you have your little bundle.

Rebecca x

emma_b_4

hi, yes its completely normal to feel like that!
i can empathise with your situation, i too am a student nurse, 2nd year, and my OH works (aprox 18k) and goes to college two nights a week. we have all the usual trappings of a house, car etc and tbh theres not much left at end of mth as it is!!
we wanted a bigger house, better car, bigger garden b4 we had kids but hey cest la vie! the baby wont come into world saying "aww i wanted a bigger house" LOL and we are better off than many people in that we have each other, a roof over our head and a future.
your OH will qualify for 6mths to a year off uni (paid bursary, im taking a year) and than can go back and qualify. (maybe an extar year will gove job sitaution time to improve wink wink nudge nudge LOL)
i wish you luck and happiness xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Becles

It will be a shock and everyone thinks babies are mega expensive due to the mass marketing of all the baby stuff that is "essential".

Baby doesn't have to be expensive. Of course you want nice things for him/her, but be practical and only buy the essentials. Have a good look round the forums here, and there are loads of tips on bringing up baby on a tight budget.

As an example, I've just bought packs of 8 flannels in Asda for £1 per pack for my baby (due in May!). I'll use those as bum/face wipes and wash them out after use, to save having to keep buying packs of baby wipes :money:

Pink_butterfly_3

Giles.

Thats the way life is i'm afraid. These things always come along when you least expect them. I can understand how you are feeling as I had my first 'suprise' at 22 and then just to top it off, got pregnant with our second 'suprise' just 14 months later. They are now 20 months and 6 months. I went through all the same emotions - freaked out, felt sick, panic attacks, oh my god how are we going to cope. We were living in a one bedroom flat - i had never even held a baby in my life! How were we ever going to afford it?

I had to get over all that and get on with it - as do you. At least you don't have to carry it for nine months and then push it out a tiny hole! Seriously though - as you say, you & your partner have created a little life and you now have to deal with it.

Life doesn't end just because you're having a baby, it just takes a different path! It takes time to get used to the idea, but you will and once your beautiful baby boy/girl comes into this world, you'll wonder how you ever managed to live without them.

Its easy to focus on the negative points. Try to look at the positive side alos, although it may no seem like its there at the moment. Yes, the first few weeks are hard, but the sleepless nights don't last forever - hell, both my babies were sleeping through by 6 weeks and I don't think my husband even heard them at night let alone got up for them! Your wife will get paid maternity leave and as far as i'm aware, don't NHS staff get subsidised childcare??

The first smiles and how proud you feel when they first roll over. Having your precious baby fall asleep in your arms and watching his little face with wonder as you can't believe you've created something so wonderful.

Baby clothes and nursery equipment can be got for free from freecycle and most other things can be got dirt cheap from the local newspaper or ebay. AND i'm sure you will have a family of doating relatives scrambling to buy your baby things!

As for going out, no you won't be able to go out as much, but when you do, you'll appreciate it and enjoy it a million times more than you ever did when you were childless.

As for your last paragraph - please don't forget to support your OH, she will really need it over the next nine months. Be open with each other and don't let things boil up inside you until it explodes into something nasty. You'll get through it and you'll be a much stronger person for it.

You can do it!!!!!!!

Giles_81

Thanks for the words of encouragement, i hoped ppl would say everyone feels like this. We found out on monday night and i just cant seem to even start getting used to the idea.
emma_b do u have children? not sure whether it said that in the post (sorry if it did!) How do u manage? Not on a great deal more than your OH wage wise so just wondered how u managed with children financially?
ive never really been a children sort-of-a guy either and worry about that too. I mean the weekend social life will be right out of the window wont it??
i dont want to say this but i kind of feel trapped. i know its my fault too but its really effected my mood and this week at works been terrible as i cant concentrate properly. And pregnant women and babies are EVERYWHERE!!!

Becles

You can still have a social life - just not as much as now!

I've got 2 boys, and they are going to stay over at Granny's next week, so me and hubby can go out for a meal and some drinks on our own. Hopefully you have family/close friends close by who can babysit, as having some time away from the children occasionally helps keep you sane!

plumpmouse

I was 22 when I had my son (he's 3 now). He was planned and very wanted so I never experienced any shock. We didn't think we would have any and would love another but alas it doesn't seem meant to be.

My son is my world and yes it is hard but I adore it. A child does change your life but you decide how really. Your baby is coming and that is a very special gift. Timing may not be perfect but be honest when is it ever going to be perfect. There is always something else you could do, travel a bit, diy etc etc.

When the shock has subsided I'm sure you will see this as an incredible thing, and will hopefully start looking forward to meeting your baby.

It is hard (don't think anyone can ever prepare you) but it is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. Good luck to you both

Knelley

We both cried when I found out I was pregnant the 2nd time!:eek: We had a 1 year old baby and we were still living in a 1 bedroom flat with our wee boy sleeping in with us. But you cope and yes, times can be tough but there is so much joy. The thing is when you have never had your own children, you cannot understand that, you just see the worries, we were the exact same. It takes time to come to terms with and when you do it is a mind blowing thing:p

I wish you all the best and things WILL work out and you will wonder why you worried so much! It is the classic scenario of worrying about things that are going to happen, the fear of the unknown. We were terrified, me in particular:rolleyes: Now, they drive me crazy:rotfl: but I love them to bits:smileyhea