When I asked for luck I didn't mean the bad variety!!!

grannyx2

Glad you both had fun with the DGC, Pooh and Dot. They make life that bit better don't they, even if they do wear you out. Hoping to see mine for a few hours on Monday.

Granny x

satchmo1

Happy St Patrick's Day. Wishing you heavy pockets, light hearts, and that good luck pursues you every day.

please-let-me-be-lucky

satchmo1 wrote: »

Happy St Patrick's Day. Wishing you heavy pockets, light hearts, and that good luck pursues you every day.

Thank you Satchmo! The same to you and all my MSE friends Xx

please-let-me-be-lucky

DH has been like :mad::mad::mad: all day. I see no reason for it, he slept well, I got up with DS2 at 6.30am and he got up at 8.30am. I made him a cooked breakfast when he got up and then he had a ham salad for lunch, so he has eaten well and he spent the morning playing Xbox while I did jobs and got the boys ready etc.

He knew that we were meeting my Mum and grandma etc at lunch time so it wasn't a surprise. I tried to prompt him to get ready a couple of times but he was too busy playing his game and then got all stroppy when he had to rush to get ready. He was then very snappy with the boys which I didn't like at all, and I used the code word that he knows means 'calm down'. He wasn't his usual talkative self in the cafe with my family but he was pleasant enough. As soon as we got back in to the car and it was just us he went back to being :mad::mad::mad:. He told our 3 year old rather venomously to "shut up" which I don't approve of (I think "be quiet" is more appropriate and I certainly didn't like his tone) so I pulled him on this and then we sat in silence on the journey home. When we got back he gave me a mouthful and his friend rang him in the middle of it. His tone changed immediately and he was all nicey nicey on the phone to him.

This is where I have a problem. I have made excuse after excuse for his bad temper being due to the head injury. Normally when he gets angry he is intolerant of everyone. No one is usually safe from the backlash - my Mum, supermarket cashiers, other drivers on petrol forecourts etc etc. Today however, he has managed to rein it in for my family in the coffee shop and then with his friend on the phone. I tried to speak to him about it but I got a mixture of anger and woe is me back.

Am I overreacting? Should I try to see it as a positive step in his recovery that he can manage his moods for some, or am I right to feel wounded that he obviously feels we aren't worth him trying to control his temper with us?

Part of me thinks we should spend more time apart, but truth be told we have spent more time apart over the last couple of days that we have in a long time, what with the stag do and DH going out with his Mum to look at cars, and it has made no difference. I had to fight the flight urge earlier though as I really wanted to take the kids out away from him for a bit, but I couldn't leave him alone so I felt very much trapped.

I have to point out that I'm coming down with cold so am probably less tolerant than usual too, but it all seems too much all of a sudden.

satchmo1

Oh PLMBL, big hugs for you!

I'd be inclined to say "are you feeling stressed, have you got a headache?" If the answer is "no" then say "well, in that case there's no apparent physical reason for you being insufferable to us all, so stop as you have upset me and I am very unhappy right now".

please-let-me-be-lucky

Very concisely put satchmo, thank you :A I shall try that next.

Sometimes I don't quite know how to play it as I don't want to upset him and make him worse. He very quickly goes into a depressive 'you'd be better off without me' state, but at the same time, I can't let him 'get away with it' all the time either. Also, like now, he and the boys are tucking into the beef I've cooked like there is not a problem in the world, and I'm the one left feeling too wound up to eat and over thinking things.

Might help the diet though :rotfl:

Lifeforms

I wrote a whole post and the browser ate it, and I don't especially remember all I wrote! But essentially whilst some of it can be uncontrollable, sometimes it is also as a method of getting your own way and just also because it can start as being uncontrolled, but then into habit. Think of bring grouchy when getting out of bed on the wrong side, and just not switching out of it, like people would normally do.
Doesn't make it acceptable, and that sometimes need to be relearnt and not just be a switch for times when your in company.

I do it occasionally still, just be really pi55ed off, but now friends or family know it, and won't let me carry on fishing (maybe for an argument or whatever, dunno myself really). But I've learnt the signs from others, and stop it sharp ish, even just walking off for a bit if needed, and I'm allowed to do that. Works better! But were talking 8 or 9 years on now, crikey!

You have a word, but maybe you also need a "you're pushing too far and I'm going to walk out for a few hours with the kids, without you" word for when the original word doesn't work. There's not really much you can do at that point, cept remove yourself from the situation because you are able to do that, where as the OH cant, but he does need to learn it too. Obviously you can find someone to pop in and look after as it sounds like you have a great support network behind you family wise. Depending obviously on the impact of the brain injury it can be learning it all again, so you teach your kids compassion to others, acceptable behaviours, ie not a strop when they don't get what they want etc, so sometimes it is something that someone with a brain injury also needs to relearn, and remember! Sure this is all you know anyway!

Did you ever get anywhere with the likes of headway? It's not just cognitive, behavioural, or educational support that they can offer for your OH. They are also very good with their family, and often carers. I do a monthly meet which is great to just be "normal" and just chat, and meet others too, but also open to carers, or family to come long for help or support, or just entertainment too.

I just went back to read your first post, and you're almost a year on from that, and have done incredibly well as a person, mother, carer, and partner of someone with a significant brain injury. Glitches like this happen, but as you have shown you are incredibly strong, and cope amazingly well with all then new stuff this year (since ur first post) has thrown at you!

poohbear59

Oh plmbl Huge hugs from me. You have had a difficult time again. My DH doesn't have a head injury but can behave the same way as your DH when depressed. I have learnt, over the years, to take myself and the kids away from the situation. It might sound odd but DH behaves well with other people because he wants to put up a 'front' for them. With you because he is comfortable with you he shows how he is really feeling at that moment. It is because he loves you all that he feels he can be himself but obviously his behaviour is still unacceptable. Maybe you could ask MIL to come over so you and the kids can go out.?

I know I have done the same, myself. When I was first diagnosed I had a severe BD and I was able to answer the phone and appear cheery when I was miserable and snappy in front of the family. I feel bad about it now.

On a good day explain how you feel and ask if DH can treat you and the boys like he treats your family and his friend even when he has a bad day. See if he can give you an indication of how he feels without talking about it. We had a colour code on the fridge. Red was a beware I feel bad to yellow which meant I feel good. You can probably guess the code. Blue was feeling miserable. We did it with fridge magnets, the kids alphabet letters. We just had a random word or letters that the kids couldn't reach.

If it was a red day I would take the kids out. Three times took them camping on my own which was a bit of an adventure.

please-let-me-be-lucky

Thank you for your fantastic post as usual Lifeforms. It's good to get perspective from the other side as it were, I really appreciate it. Having a second code word, or a colour system as Pooh suggested definitely seems the way to go, and I think going through with the threat and actually leaving with the kids for a while will be beneficial all round too. Though I draw the line at camping .

We use the Headway website and techniques a lot but I've had difficulty in getting a hold of anyone on the phone. The number for the Newcastle branch goes to someone's personal voicemail and the national helpline number says there is no one available to take the call. I've sent a request for contact through their online form but as yet haven't heard anything back. I shall chase that up. If all else fails their address is on the website, I could take a drive over at some point to see if anyone is there.

I've spoken again to DH today. It was easier as he is not in an angry mood and whilst I am loaded with cold and feel awful, I don't feel hurt or wounded like I did yesterday. Our 3yr old was in a blind fury of rage this morning over something not working the way he wanted it to and we ended up having to put him in time out in his bedroom. DH made a remark about how OTT and unnecessary DS2's temper tantrum was and I said "yes, like your's yesterday! I should have put you in time out!" This gave me the opening to talk to him about it and how it made us all feel. He said he gets annoyed with DS1 in particular as he feels he isn't behaving as well as he could, but I had to point out that he is still only 8. DH always felt his Dad was disappointed in him and resented him for it for many years, and yet in my opinion that is what he is doing to DS1. DH was shocked at the realisation and I think we are going to organise more Father/Son stuff to rebuild bridges.

brizzledfw

Sounds promising. Well done for tackling it. All good points by pooh etc ( as ever on these diaries!:))

Realising how much we 'put' our childhood issues on our kids ( and I certainly include myself in this:o) is pretty critical and takes some maturity and self awareness so congrats to you both for acknowledging this.


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