When I asked for luck I didn't mean the bad variety!!!

laineygirl

I know your DH cant really help it but if he can put up a facade to his friend and was nice when he phoned during his tirade against you and the children then he knows just what he's doing.
You should be treated the same as the friend and not subjected to a tirade because he's having a bad day and the colour codes and letters on the fridge sound like great ideas so you know to get out of the way. You being mad is fully justified and it needs pointing out big time to him that you will leave the room, the building the town if he goes on like that again.
I know it must be hard for him but his behavior could have beeen the trigger for DS2 temper tantrum. He sees how his father goes off and because sons' follow what their fathers' do he thinks he can do the same. Your husbands behaviour is ingraining that type of behaviour into his son (Like physical abuse in families). I don't want to sound that harsh but its a pattern that needs to be controlled. Your DS2 never knew his father when he was ok like your other son.and he is now at the impressionable age when his fathers behaviour seems to him to be the norm. They say 'give me the child before 5 and I'll show you the man' You have to point this out to your husband otherwise you could have two going off on one....
Anyhow loads of hugs for coping.I know how hard it can be as my first husband had a very low coping/trigger point caused because his father had a temper when things didn't go right.

millionaire_in_training

Poor you what a time you are having. I can sympathise with the father/son scenario. My ex's Dad was a gambling alcoholic and ex used to berate him and swear he would never be like that. So what happens? he drinks too much, gambles every penny he gets his hands on and walks out on his wife and kids :rotfl:. He nailed that then :rotfl:. Hopefully as DS has not seen any of this then he will break the chain

Piquant_2

Oh Lucky what a roller-coaster of a time you're having. I don't know what to suggest. You're doing so well holding your family together, it will pay off in time.

x

Skint_but_Optimistic

My daughter is caught up in a world where her dad - even though she knows hes a twit - she would forgive him anything and excuse him more.

He constantly lies to her and shrouds it in a web of ever more intricate and stupid stories.

The hard truth while it is hard allows kids to live in the real world and to address any issues - they still have to work through it all whether they are in full possession of the facts or if they have had a softened version.

Hopefully your son will be able to see signs and triggers himself and change his behaviours. It might take him a bit of time to learn how to. With your help I am sure he will manage. Also he will be able to see how its almost self harming to behave in this way.

I am still pointing the truth out to my daugher mind. Ive been apart from my ex for 11 years and I am still saying the same things.

Dont let it get you down though, its really demoralising.

HeadAboveWater

please-let-me-be-lucky wrote: »

Ah I love having everyone on my diary, makes me feel like I've had you all round for coffee

Me too! Can I have crackers and cheese next time too please?! :D

So pleased the stag night out went well! Big milestone passed Not saying he'll be making a habit of it but it does put your mind at ease for the next time.

You've had a rough time since though Sounds like you've managed to get things out in the open and under control. Talking does make a big difference, but sometimes it takes several talks to actually be heard. The number of times I've told OH that we've one mouth and 2 ears, because we're meant to listen twice as much as we talk

And it's tough building bridges. I feel like the mediator a lot of times at home too! There's gotta be willingness, openness and compromise on both sides. Hope all works out ok for you.

Chin up and keep smiling :D

satchmo1

Hi Lucky

I hope the last few days have been calm in the Lucky household? I've been praying for you all, and hope you don't mind me saying that.

Hugs
Satchmo x

please-let-me-be-lucky

Thank you for all the support everyone, I really appreciate it :A. It's so lovely to let off steam and get such positive stuff back, both in the practical and emotional sense.

Before the accident, DH had a problem with alcohol. He was what is commonly referred to as a functioning alcoholic, in that he still went to work all day and indeed didn't touch a drop all day, but the first thing he did when he got home was pour a drink and didn't stop. This happened every night, and then from lunchtimes on weekends. We split up for a while because of his drinking when DS1 was 2. I'd watched my Dad drink himself to death and I certainly wasn't going to watch my DH do it. Nor was I going to put my then only child through it! I was in my twenties when my Dad turned to alcohol, so at least I was already grown up, but I didn't want my son to grow up thinking it was normal. DH agreed to attend AA and we got back together after a while. He was never a nasty drunk, very mellow infact, but being with a drunk is never fun for the sober party! (Alcohol was not a factor in the accident by the way).

So I never really equated DH with anger. He did stupid things while drunk, but it all stemmed from low self esteem. His Dad was very intelligent and DH always felt he didn't meet expectations. DH spent a lot of years feeling a failure and that had a negative impact on their relationship. It was only the last ten years or so of his Dad's life that they found a mutual appreciation of each other. I didn't think DH and DS1 would have that problem as they are so similar and have the same likes and interests but it seems they may be too similar! In wanting to prevent DS1 from making mistakes like he did, he may well be laying the foundations of low self esteem etc like his Dad did to him! We are already working on this!

I've always assumed DS2's tantrums are down to his speech delay and not being able to get his point across, however I can see that it could also be due to witnessing DH's anger and strops. I will make sure that DH is aware of this and try to remove DS2 if the situation arises again. DS2 is normally a happy and placid little boy, but boy when he blows, he BLOWS!!

We've had a good day today and DH has managed to control his temper since our chat on Sunday. We've been out for coffee with MIL and her friend and we discussed the recent events. DH looked suitably sheepish and confirmed he wanted to change. I've had an email back from the national branch of Headway which provided the email address of our local branch, so I contacted them this morning. Hopefully they will be in touch soon.

I've waffled on so much I have forgotten all the individual points I wanted to reply to sorry. For now, Satchmo, you can pray all you like! I'll take any help I can get! HAW, cheese and biscuits it is!!!

In other less depressing news, I've lost 2lbs tonight making 20lbs in 9 weeks :j

please-let-me-be-lucky

Wowzers, epic post there sorry

What I wanted to convey, and didn't do so, was that in spite of the anger issue, DH is still a better man that he once was and I love him very much. We will work through this together.

My priority though is still to raise my boys as best I can. Xx

poohbear59

Hi plmbl,
You are doing a fantastic job bringing up your boys. And it is obvious you love your DH very much and that you are both working hard to improve all your lives.
I think you are right about DS2 being frustrated that he can't express himself. But he will pick up on DH's behaviour a bit too. My 'delayed speech' child is a most calm adult and he was so frustrated as a little one. DD also had massive tantrums and she is definitely the calmest person I know so what happens now doesn't have to continue into adulthood.

All of mine have witnessed their father's outbursts too. I would suggets allowing them to express themselves so they learn as children how to control their feelings of anger. We did a lot of it with youngsters in school. There are lots of resources online if you want to try some with DS1. DS2 might be a bit young at the moment. I wish all these resources were around when mine were younger.

Well done on the weight loss!!! I am trying not to be jealous :P Mine is going down a lot slower than yours

Skint_but_Optimistic

I am so pleased you are working through things. I am sure things will get better in time especially if you have the honesty there.

I have had to face my children as I had a breakdown last year. I havent made excuses for my behaviour on purpose but I do find sometimes I try to explain my bad behaviours away, when I should be saying hands up, my fault, I am sorry etc, and not hiding behind a diagnosis - after all I am responsible for my own actions.

Its tough being a parent.