When I asked for luck I didn't mean the bad variety!!!

HeadAboveWater

Fantastic PLMBL!! Very well done :T

grannyx2

Well done on weight loss and don't worry about OH being in the lead. Don't forget Aunty Flo came to visit and may still be out staying her welcome. She always messes the scales up. You'll be back in the lead before you know it. I know it's only a fun competition between you anyway.

Granny x

please-let-me-be-lucky

Thanks everyone!

Not having the best day today thanks to DH's mood . It's been getting progressively worse over the last few days and it's worn me down. He seems to have zero tolerance or patience and is very angry all the time. It's not so much what he says, rather the venomous way he says it. For example, today we have been to get the boys' haircut and he was very stressed about DS2 'running away' in town. To you or I he was only a few steps ahead but to DH he was at least 3 miles away with no chance of retrieving him from certain death. We then called to Mr M's for milk etc and when we got home I found the milk had leaked in the bag. I thought the top was loose so I cleaned the bottle up, re screwed the cap and put it in the fridge. Ten mins later DH went into the fridge and kicked off because there was milk dripping which was all my fault and he 'HAD TO CLEAN THE WHOLE FRIDGE' :mad::mad:. ie the bit of the door it sits in. I suggested bagging the bottle and taking it back to Mr M's tomorrow, but didn't even get to the end of the sentence when I was accused of wasting diesel yada yada and he stormed off upstairs. I'd had enough and after giving him a while to calm down I went up and said I thought his mood was becoming a problem and he started to cry and said he gets 'so angry' with himself. I suggested we made a Drs appointment and he then came out with how sometimes he wishes he didn't survive the accident :eek::eek:.

Now, the loving caring part of me feels so sorry for him as I know it's hard for him dealing with the memory loss and loss of independence etc, but overall I feel anger. It feels like a slap in the face that after everything we've been through he wishes he wasn't here. How dare he wish that my boys were fatherless and I were a widow! I feel sick that he is having those thoughts, as for the last 2 years he's always maintained he feels lucky to be alive so it's a new situation. I think he needs to talk open and honestly with someone about how he is feeling without me being there and probably some stronger antidepressants. I feel like I can't cope with this and I have never felt like that before .

HeadAboveWater

Aw *big hug* for you PLMBL

I do agree that maybe it would be good for him to talk to someone about it. He seems to have bottled up a lot of anger and frustration, and then you end up getting the brunt of it, which isn't really fair. Try to encourage him to open up more, and explain that he's hurting you and the family by what he's doing.

Stay strong

laineygirl

Sorry he feels this way, unfortunately its a bit like the stages of grief and all part of his healing process.
We had a friend who had a serious car injury 5 years ago.Like your husband he needed a lot of help, suffered memory loss etc. and wasn't the man he used to be.
At first he said he was so so lucky to be here and blessed the days he had with his family.
Then it sank in that this is how he was probably going to be for the rest of his life with no chance of getting any better. That's when the depression and mood swings started. They went on and on and it took its' toll of everybody. It was an emotional roller coaster and there didn't seem to be any way forward. He suggested that his wife take the children and leave because he thought they'd be much better off without him. He threatened to end it all as it would be better for everyone.
He'd decided that he wished he'd not survived and like you, his wife felt so angry that after all they'd been through he was giving up. She was the one who went to the doctor to explain what was happening so that the next time her husband went the doctors he knew what was what and could treated accordingly.
He was given stronger anti depressants which his wife doled out (just in case) and the doctor arranged for him to see a counselor.
Meanwhile his wife sat her husband down and explained that she knew what he was going through, couldn't possibly imagine what it was like or how he felt. He wasn't a burden to the family and they were all glad he'd made it through and had a life with them. She then calmly told him his attitude was selfish because without him her grief and that of their children would be unmeasurable, They wanted and needed him in their lives. He was their lynchpin no matter how he was, he was needed. He was one of the lucky ones who had survived and could live a fairly normal life. She knew he had his limitations and was frustrated by his life and how worthless he now felt but everybody had accepted them except himself. That was what he had to do.
There were a lot of tears and things actually got worse for a while. The pills helped but it was the counseling that helped most. He was also given a mentor, a little like AA, who he could ring or go and see whenever. Someone he could vent his frustrations on without anybody being judgmental.
He'd also go for his hourly sessions at the hospital and sometimes he would sit for the whole hour and say nothing, sometimes they couldn't stop him talking. Finally he came to terms with his frustrations, has accepted that this is him now and he is loved. Yes he's different now but he has built, slowly and painfully, another type of life where, yes sometimes he does feel depressed and worthless but he knows he'll come through.
One of the things that was suggested was that his friends try to engage him in things that he liked to do before the accident. He'd practically given up on them because he thought he was so much more different than he was before and they couldn't possibly want to be with him.They had to take the rough with the smooth. The 'you're only doing this because....you don't really want me to do/ be with you'. They persevered and it helped with his confidence and gave him his self esteem back. He was once more part of a group.
I know it must be hard for you seeing the man you love be just a part of what he was and I know you must spend your days trying to make a normal life for all of you. You are the strong one at the moment and no matter how frustrating and angry you feel you have to keep going.
You've stepped up to the mark now you have to help your husband to step up beside you. Its a long haul and there will be tears but if you can get him thee it will all be worth it in the end. I'm thinking of you and hoping you're not too down. Read your posts and you'll see just how strong and focused you are now, how much you've accomplished in such a short time and you know us 'posters' are all with you willing you on.

please-let-me-be-lucky

Thank you HAW! :A The hug was both needed and appreciated!

Oh my goodness laineygirl thank you so much for that! I so could have written that post! Absolutely everything sounds so familiar, I'm sorry to hear that your friend has gone through it all too but I'm comforted that someone else has got through the same thing in one piece. DH assures me that he isn't thinking of ending it all, just that he feels sometimes that the boys and I would be better off without him. We went through several bad patches before the accident (due to DH drinking too much) and he seems to be focussing on that at the moment, like he's been a constant source of pain for me. The truth is, had it not been for the accident (he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since, though alcohol was not involved in the accident) then we might not still be together but I'm mighty pleased we are. I don't know how many more ways I can say this to him.

My sister has been here for tea and it's been a welcome distraction. Everyone seems much happier now. I will be making a Dr's appointment for DH tomorrow Xx

dorothy52

Oh Laineygirl what a fantastic post - how lovely of you to share that experience and cheer our Lucky up! Lucky I am just catching up and was delighted to hear how upbeat you sounded, and the weight loss is awesome, you really are on a roll now aren't you lovey? Then I read how much DH had upset you and my heart aches for you. It WILL get better, and we will all be here for you xx

please-let-me-be-lucky

Ok, I've got my rational head back on. DH's low mood/dark thoughts were not a personal attack on me and I shouldn't have taken it as such. I need him to open up to me no matter how hard it may be to hear and it's my duty (for want of a better word) to get him through this. I need to prove to him how much he is loved and we are not better off without him. I see life as so precious and something never to willingly give up. Some wonderful friends, both MSE and RL have lost partners and loved ones, I need DH to see how lucky we both are that the same fate did not befall us.

Before the major incident this afternoon, I suggested that DH might want to spend some time round at his Mum's on his own (with her but not with us), to chill out and calm down, as the boys and I were obviously proving hard to cope with. He refused. In hindsight I should have insisted but I was worried he'd think I wanted rid of him. Laineygirl's point about her friend isolating himself from his friends is playing on my mind though. It wouldn't have worked this afternoon as DH's best friend was at work, but I think I need to engineer getting them together without me. DH has also shied away from going out and therefore most of the time when he sees his friend it's because he comes to our house, and I'm there too. Even if I just disappear upstairs it will give them a chance to talk without me.

DH did see a counsellor, but due to his memory I was there for quite a lot of the session. Plus that was when he was high on life and feeling lucky to have survived. It would be worth him seeing her gain now his mood has changed and for him to go without me. I can also contact his psychologist. The reason I keep saying without me, is because I want him to express how he really feels without worrying he will upset me.

*Robin*

Oh dear, rough day at yours too Be Lucky. Have you come across these people:
https://www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx
There is a local branch in Newcassel.

They helped my mate a lot. :A

please-let-me-be-lucky

Thank you Dot. I'm sorry we cross posted, I stopped typing halfway through to sort DS1 out for bed and hadn't realised you posted meanwhile. Xx