How much child support?

euronorris

I read once (I think it was on this forum actually), that teenagers are driven more by rewards, than consequences. I'm just not sure how that helps with the whole 'wear a condom' discussion?! lol

clearingout

alias*alibi wrote: »

I'm well aware of that; however it doesn't excuse her from not protecting herself either. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. I've been back with my husband for 8 months now and still struggling to come to terms with things and really resent paying the CSA to the point where I don't know if my marriage will survive my bitterness to be honest.

Anyway, enough about my situation.

perhaps she wanted a baby? perhaps she was aware of the risks and decided that weighing it all up, it worked for her? and clearly you have no idea of what he promised her (or didn't promise her).

I am sorry you are in this situation. Your husband has a child he needs to take responsibility for. I know you must be tempted to want him to leave that behind but you don't want the sort of man that would make him in your life.

POPPYOSCAR

[QUOTE=clearingout;52454689]perhaps she wanted a baby? perhaps she was aware of the risks and decided that weighing it all up, it worked for her? and clearly you have no idea of what he promised her (or didn't promise her).

I am sorry you are in this situation. Your husband has a child he needs to take responsibility for. I know you must be tempted to want him to leave that behind but you don't want the sort of man that would make him in your life.[/QUOTE]



She also knew he was married.

alias*alibi

FatVonD wrote: »

Wow, you are a stronger woman than I, I don't think that I would be able to do that :eek:



I can fully understand the bitterness/resentment of the wife but not the husband. I do agree that there are women around that will deliberately see a man as a sperm donor if it suits them. To be honest, my son is only 14 and I already worry that at some point his life could be ruined by a girl saying she's on the pill when she isn't but ultimately if men aren't prepared to take the risk then they should be using condoms in addition to other forms of birth control (especially when they are also exposing their wife to sexually transmitted diseases!)

Believe me it's hard. 12 months on I still get thoughts of anger and rage. I took my husband back for the sake of our daughter as she was suffering terribly and was going off the rails at 6 years old. I tried to comfort her but mentally I wasn't in a good place either. My husband isn't a bad man; he has been fe.ckless during a bad patch in our marriage and thought the grass was greener. It wasn't but by the time he had realised that she was pregnant. She tried all sorts of blackmail and threats when we got back together; text and emailed constantly, tried emotional blackmail. We changed numbers, blocked emails then she resorted to sending letters. She only really got the message when he sought legal advice on the threats she was making. We haven't heard from her now in 5 months but she is due back at work next month so I am sure the fun and games and hate campaign will start all over again.

FatVonD

alias*alibi wrote: »

Believe me it's hard. 12 months on I still get thoughts of anger and rage. I took my husband back for the sake of our daughter as she was suffering terribly and was going off the rails at 6 years old. I tried to comfort her but mentally I wasn't in a good place either. My husband isn't a bad man; he has been fe.ckless during a bad patch in our marriage and thought the grass was greener. It wasn't but by the time he had realised that she was pregnant. She tried all sorts of blackmail and threats when we got back together; text and emailed constantly, tried emotional blackmail. We changed numbers, blocked emails then she resorted to sending letters. She only really got the message when he sought legal advice on the threats she was making. We haven't heard from her now in 5 months but she is due back at work next month so I am sure the fun and games and hate campaign will start all over again.

Yikes, is there any chance of your husband changing jobs or even to another department?

alias*alibi

His work are aware of what's happened so I think they will ensure they work in different areas and on different shifts but inevitably their paths will cross at some point. I trust him (I think) but I don't trust her to not to cause him trouble and grief. Nightmare situation all round really.

clearingout

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

She also knew he was married.

A fair point. But you also have to see it from the other side - he's happy to start a relationship with her whilst married, she likes him, he tells her what she wants to hear, she ignores the alarm bells that tell her she's being told every married man cliche in the book....he goes back to his wife, leaving her pregnant after probably promising her the world. I think I'd be a tad fed up with that situation too! Not that her being fed up excuses her behaviour, of course.

I'm not one for siding with the 'other woman' (my ex had an affair and left me for her whilst I was pregnant) but I have learnt that things are never very clear cut and you can't trust anyone to be telling the absolute truth in these situations. My ex did and said some dreadful things all as a direct result, I believe, of his guilt and anger at himself that he had let it go as far as it did. I also believe that he got his claws into the other woman in a hook, line and sinker kind of way and she was daft enough to believe everything he told her. It got neither of them anywhere in the end...you do have to face up to reality and put things properly into perspective when these things happen.

It's important that people try and see things from all sides and acknowledge that people aren't necessarily 'bad' because they're 'bad' but because they are incredibly hurt and angry and guilty and it pushes them to do and say things they wouldn't otherwise. People having affairs are usually desperate to have a stepping stone out of a situation they believe if making them unhappy. Grass rarely is greener and many step back very quickly - but there is an awful lot of work that needs to go on to make a marriage work and regaining trust must be very difficult.

I hope you make it work for you, alias, as you're just as important as your daughter in all of this. I wish you well - you're a far bigger person than I ever could have been.

Marisco

clearingout wrote: »

A fair point. But you also have to see it from the other side - he's happy to start a relationship with her whilst married, she likes him, he tells her what she wants to hear, she ignores the alarm bells that tell her she's being told every married man cliche in the book....he goes back to his wife, leaving her pregnant after probably promising her the world. I think I'd be a tad fed up with that situation too! Not that her being fed up excuses her behaviour, of course.

But from what the op posted, he'd already split with his wife and was sleeping on the op's sofa! He then met a woman, she got pregnant and decided to leave! After 6 months op's mate went back to his wife. If she hadn't left they might still be together. So I don't think it's really fair to blame the bloke here! Maybe he didn't want to move 200 miles with her and leave his kids. On another thread a bloke is being torn to shreds for moving to Scotland and leaving his son, so it seems sometimes whatever they do, the men cannot win!

POPPYOSCAR

clearingout wrote: »

A fair point. But you also have to see it from the other side - he's happy to start a relationship with her whilst married, she likes him, he tells her what she wants to hear, she ignores the alarm bells that tell her she's being told every married man cliche in the book....he goes back to his wife, leaving her pregnant after probably promising her the world. I think I'd be a tad fed up with that situation too! Not that her being fed up excuses her behaviour, of course.

I'm not one for siding with the 'other woman' (my ex had an affair and left me for her whilst I was pregnant) but I have learnt that things are never very clear cut and you can't trust anyone to be telling the absolute truth in these situations. My ex did and said some dreadful things all as a direct result, I believe, of his guilt and anger at himself that he had let it go as far as it did. I also believe that he got his claws into the other woman in a hook, line and sinker kind of way and she was daft enough to believe everything he told her. It got neither of them anywhere in the end...you do have to face up to reality and put things properly into perspective when these things happen.

It's important that people try and see things from all sides and acknowledge that people aren't necessarily 'bad' because they're 'bad' but because they are incredibly hurt and angry and guilty and it pushes them to do and say things they wouldn't otherwise. People having affairs are usually desperate to have a stepping stone out of a situation they believe if making them unhappy. Grass rarely is greener and many step back very quickly - but there is an awful lot of work that needs to go on to make a marriage work and regaining trust must be very difficult.

I hope you make it work for you, alias, as you're just as important as your daughter in all of this. I wish you well - you're a far bigger person than I ever could have been.

I think you might have misunderstood my post.

I agree with everything you say here and I am the last person to judge anyone.

I understand that affairs happen and that there are sometimes good reasons why they do, BUT any women entering in to an affair with a married man no matter what he promises her etc. does so at her own peril. So whilst I have understanding I do not have sympathy iyswim.

POPPYOSCAR

alias*alibi wrote: »

Believe me it's hard. 12 months on I still get thoughts of anger and rage. I took my husband back for the sake of our daughter as she was suffering terribly and was going off the rails at 6 years old. I tried to comfort her but mentally I wasn't in a good place either. My husband isn't a bad man; he has been fe.ckless during a bad patch in our marriage and thought the grass was greener. It wasn't but by the time he had realised that she was pregnant. She tried all sorts of blackmail and threats when we got back together; text and emailed constantly, tried emotional blackmail. We changed numbers, blocked emails then she resorted to sending letters. She only really got the message when he sought legal advice on the threats she was making. We haven't heard from her now in 5 months but she is due back at work next month so I am sure the fun and games and hate campaign will start all over again.

But ultimately he chose you, I hope that gives you some strength in this awful situation.